It hurts

to be in a world full of people
and still feel so alone

Friends and shallow conversation
lackluster meaning with a crave for more

I want substance
Depth

I want to pick up the phone
But I know I shouldn't

Fighting that pain in my stomach

I can't help it

I can't do this.

I need to get away.

I'm not sure 100% of the time.

I don't know what I want.

Impulses drive my decisions.

Impulse after impulse
like wave after wave of
Neverending small pulses of electric shock
Just enough to keep you on edge.

Tick, Tick, Boom. Tick, Tick, Boom.

Twitch Twitch

Eyes bloodshot,
No sleep.
No satisfaction. No happiness.
Bah humbug.
Only scrambling to fill the void.

Scrambling, trying to fix,
Trying to cope,
Trying not to disturb the delicate border of
Hurt.

Moving from one quick fix to the next.
Hurry, Hurry. Or you'll feel the pain.
Faster, move faster. Don't stop now or
It will ***** you again.

It'll catch your heels and make
You trip and fall
Skin your knees and hands.
Get up, now run.

Scrambled, Scrambled,
Brain tattered,
Scattered messages,
Mixed and garbled

A calm face. A calm expression.
Calm mannerisms. Completely
without symptoms.

Or so it seems.

So, why is it that life seems to go on without me? It seems like I miss the bus because I hesitate with almost every decision I make. I always try to calculate every possible angle before making a choice, and I take so long to do it, that whatever opportunity I might've had disappears. Or, I make the wrong decision and pine over it like a dog licking its wounds.


When it comes to things I should think about before I jump into them, that's when I don't think. I just do it. I think that route is more risky, but I can't get past square one with the first option of thinking it all out. On the other hand, my decision-making process doesn't have to be dichotomistic either. There are more than two ways to think things through. I think it's just been really hard for me to find a balance because I tend to go back and analyze the results of my actions regardless.

Needless to say, I second-guess a lot. and third and fourth guess. Indecisiveness is one of my weaknesses. And yet, if you take me shopping I can be in and out of 10 stores in an hour and come out with exactly, and only what I went in for.

sigh

Emotional/life decisions are where I have problems. People can't help make those for you, and you have to deal with the consequences because you're the one who chose to put yourself through it. Maybe that'll be one of the things I'll get better at when I move off to college.

So many shifting tiles under my feet that I'm not sure where to step. If I second guess, the tile under me may shift and I'll fall. But then the one that I jump onto may also move before I step onto it.

Indescribably infallible

a vault of secrets kept gaurd by the walls of my memory
a picture of innocence sustained by the secrets that are inside

A Pandora's box of gross testimony
shaded in by the lines of worry on my face
a small undisturbed box of calamity and fear

Unguided and unaided,
My own decisions staring me in the face,
Unsure if my own self can sustain,
let alone stand the problems of the world.

My shoulders alone cannot bear the burden,
But I have already accepted the responsibility
So I must carry the weight and imperceptable sadness
of others so that they may flourish in place of me,
so that they may blossom while  Iwither away into
age that is beyond my years.

Quietly, in solitude, silence, packed full of secrets that
threaten to tear from inside me like a demented child from a womb,
with claws so sharp as designed to rip me open and bleed out my sympathies.

Getting quieter now as I back away into the corner that I have reserved for myself,
A somber face with the perilous, treacherous things of my past and the past of others contained in a box inside my heart.
A ticking time bomb.

Roaring in my ears,

Fire in my soul,
Deafening, all consuming, treacherous:
The violence with which my body trembles
is enough to make me want to collapse.

Every nerve in my body is raw
raw to the synapse,
down to the electrical impulse that jumps
the gap and creates
a chemical that induces
some kind of process
that I have little control over.

Happy, sad,
Lust, love,
Confusion, pain,
Pleasure, resolution:
All just chemical reactions of the brain to stimulatory catalysts.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel;
for there is no tunnel.
Yet if there was, I would be too afraid to travel through
the dark to get to that supposedly
Desirable end.

Electrical impulses that control every thought,
every feeling, taste, touch, smell and
how they have an effect on us.

Simple yet complicated beyond understanding, and yet we breathe,
Continue our lives with only the faintest idea
that we are controlled by the chemicals contained within us.

Perplexing. Deeply thought provoking. chemical producing.

Tears that stain my face, Trickle their way
down my cheek and neck,
Resting on my palpatating delapedated *****

Mending the cracks and sealing the wounds.
They stare, wonder, speculate,
let them.

Hot gazes, a flash in the pan,
A gaze to distract, to dispell
to intoxicate, to forget.
A shallow drop in a dry well of tears
Emotions like a cloud over the well,
Grey and ominous with the promise of rain

Rain rain go away,
Come again some other day,
Some other day when you won't see,
This shadow of my former me.
Tears trickle past my heart,
leaving a trail from begining to end
from my eye to my stomach.

Glistening paint that covers the holes
But does not fill them.

My stomach touched by the tears has an adverse reaction,
Does flips and kicks that would make an acrobat jealous to the core
my chest heaving with sobs of wretched,
sobering gasps of shocked air

I can't do this. I need to stop the self-destruction.
I need to regroup, regain control, and stop.
The clouds shake and thunder rumbles,
threatening to release their heavy load.

Rumble, wave after wave,
a crack of lightning,
a release, a temporary reprieve
then a following panic, confusion
as I realize I'm IN the well.
the well is not a well of tears,
but an endless wall of brick crushing me
as a constricting snake,
slowly feeding off of my life until I am no more.
As I awaken, I trace my index finger lightly across the stains,
those stains that stain my pillow, and drip black,
burning ink on my heart.

Oh what those tears could heal and tear that
I might be torn in half and sewn up again
one final time
to let it be finished.

My mind is a current of wave after wave of jumbled thoughts and mumbled words
Not knowing how to interpret, how to cope, how to breathe.

Breathe.

I Must Breathe.

Can't breathe, for there is no breath, no air to **** into my lungs, the harsh sting of water filling my lungs as I drown in my own misunderstanding. Pain and fear bind my hands and I cannot disentangle them.

My feet feel like lead a weight pulling my body down into the dark depths of the deep black abyss where my eyes that have seen little thus far, can see nothing.

Your words hold no weight, no substaniality in this impartial harsh reality of suffocation.

Gasping for air, swallowing more water...the world around me slipping away as my mind frees itself feeling lighter than the rest of my body.

floating, falling apart from the inside out, freedom on the one hand, and a saving grace on the other. both tied behind my back as i look up towards the impossible glimmering surface of the reality i cannot return to.
Help me ******. I can't do this. I can't handle this alone. Pull me out.
Rescue me. Be my hero.