you will never be let down by anyone
more than you will be let down
by the one you love most in the world
it’s how gravity works
it’s why they call it falling
it’s why the truth is harder to tell
every year
you have more to lose
but you can choose to bury your past
in the garden
beside the tulips
water it
until it’s so alive
it lets go
and you belong to yourself
again

when you belong to yourself again
remember forgiveness
is not a tidy grave
It is a ready loyal knight kneeling before your royal heart

call in your royal heart
tell it bravery cannot be measured by a lack of fear
it takes guts to tremble
it takes so much tremble to love
every first date is an earth quake

sweetheart , on our first date
I showed off all my therapy
I flaunted the couch
where I finally sweat out my history
pulled out the photo album from the last time I wore a lie to the school dance
I smiled and said
“that was never my style
look how fixed I am
look how there’s no more drywall on my fist
look at the stilts I’ve carved for my short temper
look how my wrist is not something I have to hide”
I said
well , I was hiding it

the telephone pole still down from the storm
by our third date I had fixed the line
I said listen ,
I have a hard time
and by that I mean I cry as often as most people *** and I don’t shut the door behind me
I’ll be up in your face screaming

“SEATTLE IS TOO RAINY SEATTLE IS TOO RAINY
IM NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO LIVE HERE .”

I sobbed on our fourth date

I can’t live here
in my body , and by that I mean
I can’t live in my body all the time it feels too much
so if I ever feel far away know I am not gone
I am just underneath my grief
adjusting the dial on my radio face so I can take this life with all of it’s love and all of it’s loss

see I already know that you are the place where I am finally going to sing without any static which means
I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back ,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already .
when we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already

it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love ,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars ,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart .

just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart .
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my separate parts
and none of those parts are going to be wearing the romance from the overpriced vintage rack
that is to say I am not going to get a single speed bike if I can’t make it up the hill
I know exactly how many gears I’m going to need to love you well
and none of them look hip at the hot coffee shop
they all have god saying

“good job . you’re finally not full of ******* .
you finally met someone who’s going to flatten your knee caps into skipping stones ."

throw me
throw me as far as I can go
I don’t want to leave this life without ever having come home
and I want to come home to you
I can figure out the rain .

as he tells his stories , I watch , curious .

does he ever feel the body walking next to him ,
the one whose life ended so quickly .
does he feel the ghost of his friend ?

does he hear the guns firing , the bombs booming ,
the cries of his fellow soldiers .
do the sounds play over , terrifying music
without melody ?

does he ever close his eyes and see the battlefield ?
the destruction wrought by only man .
did he ever take a step and feel as if he was on their soil ?

does he ever turn around when called by name ,
and expect to see his fellow fallen soldier ?
does he ever turn and expect to see
the war raging behind him ?

do the images haunt his nightmares ,
his dreams ?
or worse ,
do they haunt his waking moments ?
has he been able to find happiness,
after all he has saw ?
I only hope he has .

my mother told me
that life
was worth living
and that dying
by my own hand
was selfish

my father said
that he would always be there
after leaving
five times

but I wonder if he knows
how many times
I died
by his foot steps
or by my mothers
second hand smoke

I would rather shoot myself
in the head
than have these demons
control me
and I would rather suffocate myself
than let your smoke choke me
I would rather choose my own fate
than have one chosen
for me
let me breathe oxygen for once
and not have my lungs crushed
by your gym shoes
let my heart not be smashed by
another slammed door
or have my mind poisoned
by your treatment and religion

god was manifested to manipulate
in whatever way
suits you best

let me not be tied down to a leash

let me not die by your hand

let me die
by my own

I listen to comedians on pandora 
because it's the 
comic relief
in the midst of my tragedy 
and I always fall asleep
to the sound of laughter 
just to dream
of death 
and of worthlessness 
and I wonder if maybe
I fell asleep to the sound of
your breathing
that I would dream of better things
but for now
I will lay in the dark
in my black sheets
and stare at a ceiling that I can
barely differentiate 
from anything else in the room
in the world
and I don't know 
how I got here or how I get back 
but louie c.k. and lewis black
remind me that things are funny
that life itself
is one
big
joke
so I go back to sleep under my
black sheets
listening to hard laughter 
as the comedian says 
" if I can prevent my son from being gay , I will "
" I say hate in a harmless way "
" you hate child abuse , but you like strippers "
" taking your clothes off for money is the easiest job in the world "

and I wake up 
to death
and worthlessness

I wake up
to
the world

love is a flame
but mine doesn't warm you
I love you like an inferno
you would be ashes in the blink of an eye
maybe that's why you stand so far back

sleeping feels better than being awake

but the more I sleep , the worse I feel when I am awake

which seems obvious , but nothing quite is

when I am not with you , 
which also now seems obvious .
I want to do my one good deed for the day

but as soon as those words enter my head in that order

I feel disgusting and it feels ruined .

my head prattles away
with some other part of my head

about this and that ,
I don’t know . 

I wasn’t invited .
I’d never say this is the worst day ever ,
or whatever .
not everything needs to be said .

for the longest time I thought that maybe
I
could suffocate you
and
your demons ,
so that you could die
and live
but your parents refused
they said that you would have to be
shocked
and have water that they had to kneel on their knees to make holy
poured onto your face .
it's a little funny though ,
because I don't think anything could shock you more than I did
the night we both heard the
crackcrack
of your ribs as I told I didn't love you
as much
and that I have made you cry
more than twice ,
and your demons know how to swim
because of it .
I never saw you in the hospital ,
but I bet you looked beautiful ,
and vulnerable ,
and scared ,
and scarred ..
I regret it now , not visiting you
because at least you were feeling something there ....
and I would've liked to have seen that ;
I would have liked to see you live
as they watched you ,
and as you died .