You took me to the top of the highest hill,
nestled me in a Eucalyptus tree,
and laid the city out at my feet.
The view was unmatched
industrial beauty mixed in with the natural Earth.
The Bay in a pool underneath us;
the metal and stone of
city changing constantly.
You give me all the secret places
(in your city and in your heart).
In everything you’ve given me,
loving you has made me richer
than I’ll ever be again in my life.
You being gone is an excuse for my bad behavior.
My insides are all messed up.
I don’t sleep or eat the right things.
Taking pills to fix the little black holes in my system,
momentarily replace missing you with something else
deeply rooted beneath my sternum,
straining at the tendons of my neck.
You are my love and you are not here.
When I ripped off my fingerprint
it was an accident
the new skin grows
from the center outward
and I grow into a new identity.
I sleep like there’s no tomorrow
and no yesterday
I am not a perfect human
when I was born there was gunk in my lungs
and for a while now my heart's been talking to me in rhythms
like let me out like forget to beat like no blood to my brain
They tried to make me a perfect human
in the summertime under the knife
under flourescents instead of the sun
crinkle sheets crinkle paper gown
crinkle pop heartbeat
When they burned me from the inside I could feel it
I woke up when I wasn't supposed to like a volcano of survival
the light was white, I screamed, I remember it all
till anestesiologist put me back to sleep
all three seconds
Days and weeks after bruise hobble
the monitor is even now every third beat
like a perfect human being's
I watch everyone around me breathe strong
I breathe strong too and only check my pulse
out of nerves.
I **** like a fairy on acid
I could bruise you with the flat of my thumb
Fly my kite way up into the sky
you lay me back, feather bed
tremble anticipating gentle
I know you want to know.
I'm too hard for that ****.
The homework assignment was particularly hard
you never clarify what it is that you want.
I wanted to dance with you in the ***** of a dark hill
in my drop-dead dress.
Steal my heart
or still my heart
It makes no difference, just
filling the silence till
he says he loves me (tomorrow?
maybe never again).
So if you ask me to come I'll come
but don't you dare bore me
I'll put out (my cigarette in your eye).