i had visions of a girl with brown
hair - her - eyes
lit up my soul, her
mouth was like a womb
her mouth was a womb for words
that gave life to chaos - her
hands were delicate like
a white napkin or a bird's perched
on an electrical wire - i hear
her speak when i look at the clock

i hallucinate like a starved sexpot
the lights bouncing brighter shades -
in this cold body, crossing your street
outside the walkway stumbling muttering
existential curse words, i  - curse words
for - never sounding like they promise
they will, coming from my mouth - i
have these habits you think are strange
but they - vapid on a cosmic scale - vanish, you
devoid of reflection, a vampire *******
the life, a tick in the morning dew grass you
imagine with pink sunlight and
the songs of birds chirping their affection

i - talk quickly
when i
get nervous and
don't think
about the words coming so fast i
just say what i hope you like i
made you a picture
i
hope you like it

I don't listen to what people say much
or comprehend many situations that rise
I use plain language like yogurt
and barely taste the sunlight on my eyes -
I shave my face on Sundays
I occasionally stalk you online
I exercise on a bi-weekly schedule of shame
and I lie to my lungs telling them it will all be fine

i can't be another statistic
i already made it this far
this world can't be that sadistic
that i am not so sure of, so far -
i see bloodshed of newborns
and lies from the preacher
i hear gunshots in the mornings
and lose track of the weekends
i barely notice the sky anymore
i rarely look you in the eyes anymore

Heart is as heavy as
Eyelids salivating for sleep
Salvation in closing
To just let go

I wonder how many
Hours I've
Spent
Sitting
In desks, from school
To work to home
I wonder
How long until I
Stand again