In the coldness and the dark
Emptiness, existance stark
Not so much as a tiny spark
Unable to utter one remark

The emptiness of this void
Where mind and spirit are destroyed
Where despair is there deployed
Leaves you feeling paranoid

To all you call humanity
Ends now your affinity
Leaving you in calamity
And pusillanimity

Never from this place to move
Stuck forever in this groove
Never goodness to reprove
Of your wellness none behoove

Lost to you are faith and hope
As if pulled out by a rope
You not knowing how to cope
In the blackness vainly *****

And although you loudly cry
No one seems to even try
To lend you aid though nearby
All so simple but then why?

In you're every waking thought
A hopeless end that comes to nought
In a web seems to be caught
All the joy that you forgot

Out of the darkness of your fear
****** your mind of any cheer
Keenly edged and oh so near
It seems to you to be so dear

In this place of blackest mire
Death becomes your sole desire
As you begin to slowly tire
Of all the things you did admire

What would I do to be free?
End the life given me?
In this state I seem to see
No way to prosperity

Hello little fly lying there on the ground
Did you ever stop to think what end would come around?
Did you ever wonder how it may all end?
What kind of death that fate did wait to quickly your way send?
Most of the time generally you get old and die
All the buzzing stops at once, and in silence there you lie
Another common way in which you may have died
Is when your inside someones house and they spray insecticide
You start to get all dizzy and fly iratically
As the chemicals penetrate and affect you dramatically
After a few seconds though, you stop flying around at all
On your back you spin around break dancing there you sprawl
Another way that's quicker and happens just like that
Is when you're swiftly swatted and you insides go 'Ker-splat!'
That is rather messy as everyone can see
All your guts and blood get spread. Oh my goodness me!
All your little entrails and intestines so fine
And look at that. Your blood is red! The same color as like mine!
Sometimes there are even eggs that get squirted out
A death and an abortion, simultaneously no doubt
There's also an electric zapper that does a real fast job
Twenty thousand volts that your life from you does rob
You simply explode and your parts vaporize
Into fly mist without any time to say your last goodbyes
But the slowest and most gruesome by far seems to be
The fly strip that beckons you with a smell of food for free
As soon as you land there thinking it's a treat
You find yourself stuck there by your six little feet
The more you struggle though, the more the glue does bind
But it seems to take very long, you for death to find
Sometimes you squirm there for oh so many hours
Sometimes so stuck moving would take super powers
And then what is this grossness that I see
Little tiny baby worms squirming out of thee
I wonder if they realize that you're in trouble dire
And decide to abandon ship to escape the deadly mire
I guess it is that you flies have no morals or loyalty
The only thing on your minds survival seems to be

This morning I had to go ***** so bad
I squeezed and I pushed with all that I had
And after what seemed like a great battle
I heard a ker-plunk from what I did straddle
The mighty splash that this thing made
To have a look, my curiosity bade
So up I did rise slowly and sure
So as not to drop any poo onto the floor
I looked into the bowl not believing my eyes
This terd was of a most bodacious size
The cause of the strain was now easy to see
I new then not what I had set free
It leaned upright on the side of the bowl
Like it was in a jacuzi relaxed and whole
As I looked at it again in utter disbelief
I knew I had to flush away my relief
But when I pushed the handle on the toilet I found
All the **** did is spin round and round
Like a wooden stick in water being stirred
I was amazed at the stiffness of this ****
When the flush was done I looked with disdain
The **** was still there and left not even a stain
I flushed again with greater resolve
And the **** broke in half as it did revolve
But then as it started to finally go down
Something then happened that made me frown
It got stuck and clogged up the hole
I watched in horror as water filled the bowl
It plugged the toiled up tight like a cork
And now I wished I'd chopped it up with a fork
I grabbed the plunger from off of the floor
And plunged real hard, for my toiled to restore
But though I plunged with all of my might
It seemed that the **** was winning this fight
After several minutes the water went down
But only at a trickle as again I did frown
So along I did move from plan A to plan B
I'd show this **** who's the boss, not it, but me
So with hot water, a bucket I did fill
And dumped it in so it could swallow that pill
After twenty buckets, the **** did give way
And I was able to flush. Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Popping pimples once again
Popping pimples, where have you been?
Missing pimples when they're gone,
I'm out of ammo, wait there's one!
Thinking up new games of skill
New ways that **** gives me a thrill
Pop it straight up into the air
Catch it on your tongue, if you dare.
Target practice with a friend
Hope this fun will never end!
See who's better, as you try,
To hit each other in the eye!
You'll still have fun all alone
Squirt them on a plate of foam!
Dry them out and scrape them up
And keep them in a little cup!
Show your collection all around
All your friends you will astound!
Who's got more? Why its me!
With a total of seventy-three!
Before you run out, find your sister
And this time try not to miss her!

Hello there little hemorrhoid.
Hanging from my ****.
I really wish you'd go away,
'Cause you hurt like you know what.
At times you seem to disappear,
And then I have relief.
But when I go and take a dump,
You then return. "Good grief!"
You really make me feel,
Like I'm pooping broken glass.
Or something else that's jagged,
That I have to try and pass.
I don't want you to stay around,
My sphincter and I agree.
'Cause when I use the toilet paper,
It feels like bark from a tree!
I've used medicated pads
And even gooey cream.
But no matter what, you still return,
Like an awful, recurring dream!
From suppositories to cold packs
And using an air pillow.
There seems to be no relief
From you my little fellow.
I've heard that a specialist
Who braves that funky zone
Can remove you with a snip
But my wallet's empty and alone.
So I guess I am stuck with you
On my derriere
And with the pain I get from you
Causing me to swear!

Finishing a job I had started by sitting down
I had to do the paper work before I left town.
So I took what I had thought was an adequate supply
And wrapped it 'round my left hand to keep it clean and dry.
Reaching beneath gingerly and taking extra care
My mission was to use it to clean my derrier.
Then without any warning and much to my chagrin
A finger broke through the paper and charged right in.
This I had not planned for nor could I predict.
That into my poopy ****, a finger I would stick.
This was not the worse thing to happen to me my friend.
There was much worse ahead on this trail before the end.
My very first reflex was to pull my finger out.
An automatic, involuntary reaction no doubt.
But my hand ****** back too quicly, and this is no joke.
The toilet paper and my hand the water now did soak.
Now I had real problems, this was a frikin mess!
There with my hand under my ****, wrapped in poopy, wet paper no less!
I tried to drop the paper, but did't have any luck.
'Cause the poopy, wet paper, to my hand was now stuck.
I couldn't shake it off and with nothing with which to scrape.
I started getting desperate, it seemed there was no escape.
Suddenly it occurerd  to me, there was a ray of hope.
So I stuck my hand in the water, where the poopy paper would soak.
I slowly pulled back my hand, and much to my delight,
The paper lost it's sticky grip and sank slowly out of sight.
I let the water drip completely from my soaked left hand.
I then pulled it out slowly and  held it over a waste can.
I got more paper and completely wiped my hand off.
Then finished what I had started before this messy standoff.
The lesson that I learned, since this adventure did begin.
Is that paper work ain't easy, if the paper's too thin!

Cutting you open just to see,
What the cause of death could be.
Lets open the chest and try to find,
What killed this person. Death of what kind?
Spread those ribs a little wider,
So we can see what's inside 'er.
Use a saw on that skull,
Not a hatchet or a maul.
Remove that brain and check it out.
Tell me what they were thinking about.
Cut some more. Into the belly.
Is it full of bread and jelly?
Did they eat some chicken soup?
Did they have to take a ****?
Is the liver nice and clean?
How's the kidneys and the spleen.
Where's that blood work and tissue sample?
Your time for analysis has been ample.
The end results are inconclusive,
'Cause all your parts are unobtrusive.
The only thing that they can find,
Is that death is never very kind.