Mikaila

Mikaila Sep 2018

I saw the earth in your eyes
Every forest
And every ocean
And I faltered, surprised-
As unstoppable and unfathomable
As the deepest water
Constantly changing but always
More powerful, more beautiful, more vast than it seems.
As sacred and peaceful
As the quietest mountainside
Only birdsong and the murmuring of leaves to break the stillness
Sunlight dappling the ground with soft gold
And not a footfall for miles.
As desolate and strange as any desert
Sometimes hot enough to burn
Sometimes cold enough to bite
Harsh and lovely and full of secret life,
The anchor of a sky so large it bows out like a sail
The captor and nurturer of a thousand constellations.
As gentle and close
As the air that turns grasses into waves of color
And whispers to passers-by of springtime as the snow starts to melt
And coaxes dandelions to give up all their wishes
To the sky.
I saw all this and more
And I understood why you feel so out of place.
You belong to this world
And it belongs
To you.
We don’t love this place as we should.
We don’t stand in wonder enough.
We pave over it, we shut it out, we manufacture it
And you
Are the real thing
You belong here like so few people do.
That
I think
Is why you feel so lost.

Mikaila Sep 2018

Untitled

I have already written you
Over four thousand words.

Mikaila Sep 2018

That’s All

Can friends
Write each other poetry?
Can they be like this?
I am so scared
That you will think I lied to you
But I never have.
I told you who I am
And how I feel-
You just think
It’s not for you.
I worry you’ll think I only like your art
Because I love you.
I worry you’ll think our friendship
Isn’t real-
It is,
It’s the realest thing I’ve ever made from love.
Loving someone like this...
It’s like a puzzle.
I walk in knowing one thing: that I adore them.
And slowly, they show me why.
You’re showing me why.
I would love all of this in you
Even if I hadn’t accidentally loved you first.
I am discovering my own reasons
Because I always have them
And they are always
Good ones.
Just... when you realize,
Know that.
Know that I’m not betraying you.
I am using my feelings
To build something new
Something better
Something that’s good for us both
Instead of painful for just one of us.
Know that it’s taking
All of my courage.
Know that I consider it worth
Everything I have.
Know that it very well might
Cost me just that
And that
I don’t care.
Know that I worry
Because loving someone means you want them to be happy
And I want you to be happy.
I want to be your friend
Who writes you poems sometimes
And hangs on your every word.
I want to live up to this feeling.
That’s all.

Mikaila Sep 2018

Thank You

Gazing up at the sky with that stupid grin on my face
Radiant with undisguised joy
I said
Thank you for hanging out with me.
I didn’t mean that
Not exactly
And I don’t believe you think I did-
I think you saw through me
Completely.
You looked at me sidelong
And I blushed,
Having just seen
Forests and deserts and oceans in your eyes
Having just seen the world all wrapped up in a person
Looking at me
And been
Overwhelmed.

See?-
I can’t just say
What I mean.

Especially not when what I mean is
Thank you
For ever being near me in this world.
Thank you for the nights I’ve given up sleep
To sit and watch the light seep through my curtains, lost in the strange beauty of your dreams and thoughts and ideas.
Thank you for your art
That digs its way into my heart and takes root there
Making me vibrant inside.
Thank you for those times I’ve spent
Happily close to you
The warmth like sunlight that spreads through me whenever I see you.
Thank you for the beauty I notice in the world
When I think about you-
The broken glass on my street
Suddenly like fallen stars.
The little weeds that push valiantly up through the cracks
Like mighty trees.
The lights spilling over the pavement
Like dawn.
Thank you for
The chance to feel
Alive.
Thank you for knowing me.
Thank you for letting me in.
Thank you for letting me in even though you know me.
Thank you for the image of an odd, smart, wonderful little kid
Asking mom what color her A was.
Thank you for the tenderness that brought to my heart.
Thank you for your stories and your courage and your wit.
Thank you for looking at me with gentleness.
Thank you for giving me some of your time.
Thank you for your passions, your dark, angry moments,
The beautiful, bitter hurt you carry inside of you and let me witness like a storm at sea
But always shelter me from being touched by.
Thank you for being the kind of person
Who struggles to understand being loved
But does not rage against it.
Thank you for being kind.
Thank you for being complicated.
Thank you for being strong, and insightful, and wicked, and bold.
Thank you for hoping I’ll be happy.
Thank you for making me happy.
Thank you for the moments when I can look at your face in full
Its captivating beauty
The little thoughts that pass across it like clouds across the sky
Mischief and vulnerability and laughter and pain all mingling in your eyes.
When I look at you like that I feel like I might belong somewhere someday.
Thank you for being sarcastic, and humble, and sweet, all at once, all the time.

The truth is that when I said thank you for hanging out with me,
I really meant
Thank you
For being.
I meant thank you, thank you, thank you
For ever being born.

But,
After all,

You can’t just say that.

Mikaila Sep 2018

Untitled

No matter how gently I try to do it
Willingly walking away from you always feels like
Cutting the ropes that tie a ship to shore.

Mikaila Sep 2018

Early Morning

Love love love
It’s going to spill out of my veins
Run through the streets and find you

Mikaila Sep 2018

Wherever

I wish I had even the self restraint it would take
To keep from following you home like a lost puppy
But clearly not.
If I don’t pay attention when I’m with you
I swear I could end up anywhere.
You could probably walk out into traffic
And there I’d be beside you.
Whatever it is that I feel about you
Pulls on me
Like a string tied to my heart
And I just
Follow
Without knowing why.
It’s ridiculous
It’s dangerous
And I know it
And I am completely helpless against it
Anyway.
I think you saw it for a second tonight
As you were leaving.
I think you expected me to walk away first
And honestly
TRULY I was trying to-
Sadly, I was trying
My best.
My feeble efforts did absolutely nothing.
Instead I stood there,
Frozen,
Feeling that pull to go wherever you went
And watching you look at me
Quizzically,
Watching you notice how difficult it was for me
And wonder about it.
I probably should have been embarrassed,
But instead
I was just stuck,
Stuck for a moment in this weird gravity
Struggling to break free.
And then common sense returned and I think I must have blushed
And said something strange
And hurried off as you turned away.
I don’t know how long this will last-
I don’t know if I’ll just be like this forever
Always sort of tugged towards you,
Or if it will smooth itself out eventually and I’ll be looking back on this with chagrin.
I just know that
Right now
I’d cheerfully follow you into hell
And there’s not a **** thing I can do about it.