the girl of no return
hiding behind pale papery skin
and malicious eyes
so gentle when you walk
and angry when you speak
heavy when you think

and we would have thrown out
a thousand different lands for you
they say,
just promise a stable mind
bring back the old acts
are you not so human
that you cant feel the agony in these voices that cry to you
lovely bird once you where white
bathe in the dew fallen on pedals by spring rain
and free yourself

press hard against your heart
and ****** the past
and leave it there
somewhere in a cemetary in your mind
to rest in peace
acknowledge it will always be there

and let it be calmly
in a far away place
where it cannot bother you

This is a poem for the poems that are not ready yet
a poem for memories that have not yet reached the surface
a poem for miseries I refuse to accept

I'm not sure what the purpose it serves can possibly be
all I know is that even in the smallest way, I need to get these other poems
out of me .they are rotting my body.they are moving around harshly.

as a poet, I write when I am upset, I write when I am elated
there are still things I have to much pride to write of
things that swell in my wrist that I have not yet gathered inside
to see created into one of mine. To see breathe and become alive.

poets. poor miserable happy poets.
how do we survive.

I leaned over backwards
to eat the paint that dripped from
your lips, hearty sentiments
given to nature by exquisite controversy
life took humanities blood drenched towel
and squeezed us out
and now we lay
here
in something that is so
much more powerful than your
average noisy silence
and I smile gently to you

concrete painless seduction
overwhelmed by my own understanding of your pain
love thins like alocholic blood
seeping everywhere
onto my lips
onto my fingertips

and things they feel withered down
by your withered down eyes
cries cries
cries
cries
crying I care
begging to find out what you would like me
to cook you in the morning
oh anything to put a smile on your rigged face

cold dry and wet your ***** speaks in my body and
in the back of my arms I am so so beaten down by your
love

is that love,
that comes knocking on my window sometimes
like a child
with beautiful red cheeks and little fingers
and wonderful innocent eyes?

when your drapery and garments of a thick velvet
find a better home sprawled on the floor like dead creatures
and fill everything but you
I see poetry written all of your body
and the words puncture like exotic knives into my stomach
invisible scars singing like children in the sunlight
invisible scars that stand like strong men who are stricken
and afraid
your eyes hum lullaby's
and they sing the saddest songs
that are now stitched beneath my tongue
and to the edges of my lips
I drown in that forbidden place
where my stomach caves in
like lovers hearts beating in the grave of spring
a nocturnal escape of pleasures
and souls meeting place
dug with our hands through the soil of our lives
chastity comes in purely
while we walk with our disguise

Murdering the infants of soft cruelty
that build sand castles in my back yard
I heard them cry out for sugar
and laughter

I place the old pictures in my pocket
I find my luggage
my clothing that I wish to burn

branches quiver in the sun
so innocent and lifeless
so potent and malicious

Im a woman who will retain
a unfertilized egg
and a single heart

I see beauty only on the surface
and I dont dare go any further
then the skin
anything past flesh has become
nothing but
disappointment

I will love you the same
no matter who it is to blame
regardless of the persona you take
or the one I seem to attain
I will love you the same

in my heart perfectly my hatred for you I will frame
no matter the cruelties and the monsters I find in you
I will claim
I will love you the same

I will leave the disaster put away my pride
and my shame
In histories books they will mark our names
they will speak of what we became
how satan twisted his strings and played his games

its him taken form of humans I blame
who touched our fiery hearts with their blackened flames
then came the black pit from our stomachs we couldnt tame
cracked out and drunk on *******
can you explain what could have I possibly gained
from the flood of this pain
left my self in peices of grain
forbidden and unhumane
insane
and
mundane

my conciousness leaks down with the water
in the drain
I have become so numb
I cant even complain

I restrain from my
veins
I bleed to feel
the feeling of sane




at the end of the day Im left with nothing but stains
from the rain

and still
I will always love you the same

its amazing how many words I let loose
off so many strings with you always in mind
but this shall be the last time i write of your existence

I remember your water like a faded fingerprint
bent and pressed all over my naked chest
I remember your meaning like I remember distant days as a child
everything is so faded
due to the crushing that i have done over time

now we speak in strangers tongue
although i never really knew you
I knew of what you might be
and I knew of what you did to me

- at some point on the time line I felt
like patience was lost even though it was there
like my mind had found another place to live
although it was here all along

or maybe perhaps I did loose my mind
to have thought that such a situation can bend
or levitate itself to my planet
where you and I would live
never once did you read the script
and show appreciation towards my
rare admiration towards you

never

in humans I disgust
but you kept yourself in a twilight
somehow in my sky longer than usual
and till now the enigma puzzles me
oh you epidemic and dreary young life
how did you condemn me
in all the ways you did

how can you let me watch how you move
when you know my simplicity will fall apart after you leave
I thought before I met you
that i let my mind drift into forbidden places
but after you
I realized for the first time what forbidden was
it was being in between that little space in between your lips
soft and delicatley spoken your eyes conversate
with every crease on my suffocating palms
palms that suffocate for you
one set by the other
oh how they all faded away so simply
drifted away so weary
and those whom I kicked out calmly
but you

I will miss you dearly

this time the pull might have been too hard
they are whispering for a call back there
5 minutes of pure speech
antagonize me
in the pursuit of something I wanted so badly
sitting
repeating listening to Amy
words like that make me want to shout bravely
but instead I lay back and speak calmly
tell this nation to think rationally
that's them thinking stupidly
thinking impossible can be made a possibility
the sun doesn't shine everywhere
but your eyes do

it hurts to see things I have written for you
so simple and real
as the abyss that surrounds you is
and as the complexion of your fragile body

I feel your weakness in my bones
and i feel your strength in my blood
running through me
colliding
impossible to explain
extreme to decipher

i see how you hair falls
and your smile is like a childhood memory that
i cant let go of
take me with you not somewhere empty
but heavily inhabited
so that i can know what it is
to feel invisible

basking in the light the preludes from your fingers
and drips slowly on to my neck
i am exhausted by your intensity

and when i fall asleep
it will be to our silent song
that we dare not sing aloud
and happily

your syllables once sprouted butterflies in my womb
and now those same letters off a strangers tongue have
manifested the monsters growing in my pit
layers retreating back to the moment i layed eyes on you
layers that have fallen away
and are rotting on my doorstep
your smile
but I must say
that little smirk
that still makes me forfit the flesh in my body
if only that and not all the rest
shackled in old rusty chains
I beg to dismiss myself
yet I cling to stay
dip your hands into me
please

I hold these thoughts as I hold onto my infested pupils
my hands open like that of an infant in sleep
curved fingers, innocent and unexpecting of what is to come
the life
the street corners
the slum hearts
and the filthy
all the ends and all the starts
the loved ones who will depart
the torn bed sheets
and the opening of evil flowers
in the dirt of small drunken conversations
the murders and the beauty
of the old burnt down houses
I forget everything

only to be brought back to this state
feeling like a child.

all you had to do was take that little look from me
or rather more give me that look of yours
come with me cause you know you can
come with me cause you know you should
I ask you too cause I know you wouldnt

so they say that sometimes things are better left half done

no matter how far I push the ice I will never feel like I'm half way there

outside the old bar I smelt the alcohol in your breath

when you told me you never wanted to say it
and then you let it go
you broke free
and thats when I turned around and decided to leave everything behind me

including you

my hand slowly slipped off the back of your wet neck as I walked away

I leaned against the light pole
something classical faintly playing in the background
and I'm thinking to myself I'm never going to forget this day

I know your still standing behind me watching me
I yelled inside my head you will hate yourself for this
but I didnt turn back

I stuck the needles in all the right places
and stuck the warmth in all the wrong places

and my end result was a bleeding soul with no guidance from that smile I needed desperatley

just water from the clouds
falling down

falling down

.

I had to go, I had to leave.
lay
        your beautiful face
on the pillow

and don't you

                                                .grieve.

I will love you the same
no matter who it is to blame
regardless of the persona you take
or the one I seem to attain
I will love you the same

in my heart perfectly my hatred for you I will frame
no matter the cruelties and the monsters I find in you
I will claim
I will love you the same

I will leave the disaster put away my pride
and my shame
In histories books they will mark our names
they will speak of what we became
how satan twisted his strings and played his games

its him taken form of humans I blame
who touched our fiery hearts with their blackened flames
then came the black pit from our stomachs we couldnt tame
cracked out and drunk on *******
can you explain what could have I possibly gained
from the flood of this pain
left my self in peices of grain
forbidden and unhumane
insane
and
mundane

my conciousness leaks down with the water
in the drain
I have become so numb
I cant even complain

I restrain from my
veins
I bleed to feel
the feeling of sane




at the end of the day Im left with nothing but stains
from the rain

and still
I will always love you the same

I feel the skin move through me
like a thousand bricks fallen off of a mountain
completely at ease
you ravage me with your simplicity
eyes edged on the corner of every dark alley
your smile is a projector
in my mind of all the things
that I really admire
is it too much to ask
that you always spread your soul around me
I fall into heat
and there is no way to be discreet
about this anymore
Im bored with holding my tongue
Im bored with the run
I would like to lay in your arms
my beautiful sun
as I press my lips to yours
and my heart to the gun

past phase through mansions of vampires
that lurk at my doorstep and ask for garlic and white flags
just bare with me please
one more time through this
just one last time through this
sire I grasp these iron lungs and beg for forgiveness
at the thought of your gratitude I am driven
to find something far greater than you
although

I know its impossible
I know its impossible

the room is copper
your hair is not there,
how I knew it all along

I bare

because the one thing that will drive you to destruction besides love is
despair

hoping for something greater than this
just a little better than this

I know its impossible

Poetry
oh her
I speak to her as a woman
because
she feels too much
she leaks too much
she burns too much
she cries too much
she loves too much

I am dark
but have faith in me
when my mind speaks all the tales
of what goes on within the walls of berlin
inside of me
and I hide in domestic places
cluttered by people and music
I loose myself
I find myself when I'm alone
with your voice playing in the air
around me
and then touching me
swimming on the floor
my back is rubbing against the rough
carpet
and it feels so good
when Im entangled in my own arms
why do you come to me sometimes
other mind of mine
and tempt to your fellow play things
when I do so well
on my own without you

the souls a wreck
shes coming
or going
and its all uphill from here
but wether it down or up its still a catastophe
and if shes steady going, then where could she possibly be
the bright shines in the late night sky
and its another minute where she forces herself to say goodbye
a tear falling down on to her smile
and she realized that its all her fault
but she knows all this was not meant to be
where is it that your feet walk
when the sun leans beside your shoulder
when the earth eats you alive
and in reality in the back of your head all you want to do is die
but your to scared to admitt it to your frail body
because in that instant you will break
but then you wonder how much of it can i really take
when you wake up everyday singing this is the song of life

,

I push reason into mind
and it pushes me further from you

I push passion into place
and it brings me closer to you

I
me
If I were in someplace a hidden globe
would multiply myself in your lives
so many little to one
I am imagining your beauty
between my fingers you see

and all I want is to bring you closer to me

and then my mind sets its foot down into
who I am
and then I realize
maybe you should become a shadow
not the one which follows me
but the one of my days
the one that represents everything I smile
at when I wake up in the morning

I didnt know you
I made up who you were with a combimnation
of little things you have shown me

bring me to subtle understanding
distressed creature of another sort
I am yearning
in the pool of you
alone

I have died within you
explicitly in ways that I only die within my own self
do you understand what that means
maybe you do not
but I speak with the words of a brittle child
who has parents who would never understand him
from such a young age
from such a young age
you see
I am learning these things
drowning in a genetic mutilation
this is not me, no
this is what life has lead me to be
I am underneath you
I breed within what we call sanity
although I know nothing of it
I will wait here for you
as you try
try
to tread closer to me.

its amazing how many words I let loose
off so many strings with you always in mind
but this shall be the last time i write of your existence

I remember your water like a faded fingerprint
bent and pressed all over my naked chest
I remember your meaning like I remember distant days as a child
everything is so faded
due to the crushing that i have done over time

now we speak in strangers tongue
although i never really knew you
I knew of what you might be
and I knew of what you did to me

- at some point on the time line I felt
like patience was lost even though it was there
like my mind had found another place to live
although it was here all along

or maybe perhaps I did loose my mind
to have thought that such a situation can bend
or levitate itself to my planet
where you and I would live
never once did you read the script
and show appreciation towards my
rare admiration towards you

never

in humans I disgust
but you kept yourself in a twilight
somehow in my sky longer than usual
and till now the enigma puzzles me
oh you epidemic and dreary young life
how did you condemn me
in all the ways you did

should I evaporate in between your hands
in between your mist
in between your palms
before I ever know what it is to really be
within you
I disintegrate at the thought
of the second time i ever felt your flesh
very close to mine
very close to mine

and still i blend with your moisture
and i inhale everything inside of you that is more
human than this

more human than this

I don't know whats real anymore
because my imagination stretches so far when
your name comes to mind and grounding myself is
never an option
when I see your face

I'm gone
I'm gone
when lost in thoughts of possibilities

possibilities of your blood and what flows within it
might be
I wander in vast landscapes on which i have no recognition
--
of life--
--

of me
--
of you

--

cause when inhabited in thought of your existence i no longer know meaning
nor do i know truth

closed eyes
hands clenched to my legs around and under my feet
under everything
and below everything

everything that I don't know
ebbs and fluid of things in my subconscious that might forever grow

who are you
who are you
and why do you possesses me in these ways
with my thoughts i speak with in the corner
why is it .. my emotions that you betray

me
me

its me
not you

and I fall
deep
I'm nothing more than what you think I am
or maybe I'm more
Or maybe I'm so much less

you have no comprehension and neither do I
if your stagnant stare is all I need to fall ablaze
so let it be that for now
you possess me and captured beneath a thousand layers is where
my heat goes

when my heat goes for you
and I'm am demanded by two

the one I am familiar with
and the one who had turned into a complete

taboo

My heart beat so hard when I was next to you
that I feared you might hear my barbaric secret in its drum
my pupils expanded so wide, at the sight of your hands
that I could have swallowed the ocean with my eyes
and then shed that salty water when you depart
my heart surrendered and my soul left to the skies

locked in your demented skin and your innocent smile
I would like to kiss the back of your neck and breathe you in
for awhile
your moon stricken and I drink you in the morning
I place you like salt on my tongue
I take your skin and cover myself in it
we make each other wet with scorn
your paint is on my walls and now it is not myself
it is you that I morn
it is my white face that is torn
now
now
the fragile death has been born

my suppression finds its weak moments
but I have seen their faces
when they simply let words caress off their tongues
(I don't feel alive anymore)

- don't give me reason to believe so

I know hope is lost
nourishing me under all the sheets I sleep on
when nothing cradles me in my sleep
but oh the ground lifts me
the ground
(lifts me)

I almost lost myself within myself
or perhaps I have
life where shall you drag me upon your silk path
I am wondering in your pain
and not satisfied with your happiness
unless its in your sun
or in your sky
but night comes
and clouds cover
and where am I left
with no human
with no heart beat
with no emotion

alone I wonder
like a drop on a stormy night
I fall to the ground
and I am forgotten

I evaporate
or I fall into the dirt
that blends in with more of itself
with more of my loneliness

how incomplete I must be
when I look into eyes
and feel the pain of my own
and I forget about everyone else

in worlds
in where only I live
conquer me for I cannot conquer myself