It saddens me deeply
To know you'll be gone
And you'll never be there
For me when it goes wrong.
The clock is ticking and
Every second that goes by
Is another less second
That I'll spend by your side.
I'm haunted by the thought
That you'll soon find another,
And you'll start out as friends
And then bloom into lovers.
Her hand will replace mine
And its place in your hair.
And when you get down
It'll be her who is there.
Her lips will replace mine
And their place on your chest
And it'll be her who reminds you
That, babe, you're the best.
Promise me one thing,
Just to never forget
The girl with the block fringe
Who is so happy you met.

Do you remember what Harold was told by Maude?
"Oh Harold, that's wonderful. Go and love some more."
A young boy of your age should not be tied to the ground,
He should be free to love and learn in no bounds.
But a man like yourself should be only with myself
I assure you that together we need nobody else.

Day two
Without you.
A million miles apart
But under the same stars.
I am sleeping alone in this river I've cried.
The nights are so long when you're empty inside.
Are you thinking of me?

Do you remember the sparks when we kissed that night?
In the sky, in my soul, in your eyes.
November fireworks both within and without.

Your veiny hands cup my face while your lips settle on my forehead.
My inner child uncontrollably grins at the fairytale cliche which, in this moment, my life has become.

Why can't I write when I'm not feeling sad?
My pen only cries when my heart is bleeding.
It's not like happy souls don't have a thing to say,
But it was ink that got me through those lonely, rainy days.

Why can't I write when I'm wearing a smile?
I can only do it with a tear upon my cheek.
It's not like broken souls have any more to say,
But it was ink that got me through those lonely, rainy days.

It's not like I'm not trying when I'm not crying.
It's not like I would rather be in pain.
It's just that I would like to write you something,
To thank you for those dreamy summer days.

I could be brave,
Or at least I could try.
Lord knows I've had a lot of practise.
I could be stubborn.
I could match your decibels.
I could cry.
I could listen.
I could do damage or be damaged
If I thought it's what you wanted.
I could sing your favourite song,
Admit that I was wrong,
Be weak, or be strong.
I could plead, pray, or beg.
I could hold my head high.
But I could never be yours could I?

Who am I?
I'll never know,
So you don't stand a chance.

I, the real me, has been hidden by fuchsia feathers and fairy wings,
Restrained in ribbons since in infancy.

Sometimes I think even my coffin will be smothered in sequins and surrounded by only my proudest of family.
"She was always so sensible"
"What an angel"
They'll say as they watch me lie there, one last time.

I was one granddaughter amongst six grandsons. Or as they put it, I was "our little princess"
(Even at the age of seventeen in maturity's mirage).

My entire life has already been decided for me. I am destined, doomed you might say, to be great. Great in their eyes, adequate in mine.

Never was I free to make my own choice.
Never was I free to find my own voice.
Never was I free
And never will I be.

The day you went away
was the day my world stopped turning.
We both always knew this would be temporary but Three Hundred and Twenty Seven days of you was never going to be enough.

The flowers here wilted
and shrivelled away when you left.
They only ever blossomed for you.

The grass dried up
and the leaves fell down.
Dusty tracks now where once lay roads.

The birds flew South
but not just for the winter.
To be with you.

This place,
our place,
the town that brought us together
is tainted now.
It can offer me no more.

Come home.

Midnight.
Both an end and a beginning,
More of a transition...
The tension of the countdown,
The thrill of the cheer.
The champagne,
the kisses with near and dear.
A rainbow of measures,
one after another,
drop after drop.
The night carries on,
song after song.
The clock strikes
as does a glimmer of hope.
For a second the promise
that this year will be better.
We swayed in the streetlights,
the moonlight,
the club,
And we sang
with the busker
who played only for us.
The truth is this year
will be the same as the last,
But blink and you'll miss it
and it'll soon be the past.

You always said you loved me too.
Now I'm 4000 miles away from you.
Broken by all the things you do,
My tired heart breaks into two.
But why is heartbreak so taboo
When our love seemed oh so true?
You always said you loved me too.
The feeling is one I thought you knew.
There's things I wish I could undo;
The things that make me feel so blue
Like when you said farewell, adieu.
I'm not saying that I'm one of few
But you always said you loved me too.

It's somewhat funny
But it's also somewhat sad.

I can be surrounded by dozens of people, family, friends...
Yet feel so alone.
So empty.

Or I can be with you.
Only you.
And my world is complete.

Do you remember all those nights that we painted the town?
When I'd bring you back up when you began to come down.
Our mouths were dry from smoking but never too bad to kiss.
I'd be happy if you were with me and we were laying like this.
When he touches my thigh baby, know it's not the same.
And know that I don't get those butterflies when he says my name.
In another life, another place, maybe we'd work things out.
Perhaps we'd live happy ever after and we'd have no doubts.
But for now it seems the least we can do is try.
No worries, no *******, but just you and I.

I've spent all this time thinking you were toxic for me
But I'm having second thoughts, I'm toxic as can be.
Laying up in bed with a man expecting you to be alone,
And then freaking out the second you don't pick up your phone.
I'm a hypocrite.
I hate myself.
I'm holding his hand.
But when you come to me,
you met some girl,
I'll never understand.
We both made promises we both should have kept
Because the way you make me feel that day I'll never forget.
You said you'd wait for me, said I was worth the pain
And now you come around saying you can't do this again.
I get it.
I ****** it.
Yeah it's always the same.
But it's cool if you're in bed with her and can't remember her name?
That's *******.
You can't expect me not to feel hurt
After all those late night texts telling me I was the right girl,
And that I rocked your whole world.
Now the thing is
Does she make all your senses tingle even when it's only kisses?
Does she write you songs and poems when it's you that she misses?
And ten years from now is it her you picture as your missus?
Let's stop playing all these games.
Stop hiding, there's no shame
In loving when it's us two.
I'm the one you know you're always gonna run to.
You know this makes sense.
Who you think you're kidding? It's us until the end.
It's you who said the one you love most to kiss is also your best friend.

Does she listen to your stories and then pretend to care?
Do you make that moaning sound when she plays with your hair?

Does she hang out with your friends and has she met your dad?
Does she hold you oh so tightly whenever you get sad?

Does she let you keep her awake with your snoring?
Does she know how you like your tea?
And that it's coffee in the morning?
And which mug you like it in?

Does she know you listen to Green Day when you brush your teeth?
Does she know you like your teeth?
And that you hate the rest of you?

Does she notice the scars on your arms?
And then does she wrap you in her's?
And does it feel the same?

Pensive as I am, I thought of you today
Amongst the overgrown grass and the clouds of grey.
The heavens, they opened, perhaps pathetic fallacy
As I lay there saturated, already losing my sanity.
But I stayed in the showers and let nature embrace me
When all of a sudden a gold globe came to face me.
Warmer I felt, as down on me it shone
Almost as if to remind me to always be strong.

My glass was always half full
But now my bed is half empty.
My despondency begs the question:
*Did you ever really love me at all?

They sat there, peaceful in euphoric bliss,
Feeling the rush of electric with only a kiss.
They talked about death and the meaning of life
And the times he had struggled, just him and a knife.
They sat on a bench amongst autumnal trees,
Gazing through eyes that pleaded never to leave.
They sat in silent intervals, savouring each second,
Realising what seemed like an hour had turned out to be seven.
The sun set and they kissed at the station and parted
Content with knowing that they're journey had started.

Flowers in her hair like the first blossom of spring.
Swaying in the wind, picturesque.
The birds, for her, they sing.

When her branches lay bare and she's empty and colder,
Don't take it personally,
Don't be afraid to hold her.

Seasons come and go
And this you should know,
She will never be evergreen.

I miss your eyes illuminating with the fire in your heart,
Burning as you ramble on before returning to the start.

The lyrics, the key change, the hook, the middle eight.
"This is the best part", you say, "this next part here, wait"

Musical jargon soaring high above my head for hours
While you sing me folk songs of women with hair full of flowers.

And though I didn't understand what you meant by A Minor,
I knew it sounded beautiful because your smile shone brighter.

In disgust of what was staring back at me, I smashed the screen into a million shards.

Angrier I grew as more of me I saw;
A million broken faces in a million broken parts.

No escape from my reflection or what lies inside.

No amount of shattered glass will allow for me to hide.

Do you remember how it used to be?
3am secrets between you and me.
You'd plead five minutes more,
You'd stand blocking the door,
You'd beg me to stay longer.
I'd fight, but you were stronger.

But now we're like strangers,
And suddenly all the dangers
Are clear and the cracks show.
I go to leave and you let me go.
We go five days with no texts,
No kisses, and no ***.

I hate how all the sparks have gone,
How all the kisses now feel wrong.
I miss the old us and how we were
And the memories which fade to blur.
Darling, darling can't you see?
All I want is you to fight for me?

Fight for us and what we had.
Fight for the good, fight for the bad.
Fight for the *** and the jealousy,
The 'I love you's spoken breathlessly.
Unless you desire a life so bleak
Don't give up on what is so unique.

I have a burning need to be adored
To hide the fact I'm insecure.
The guys I date all soon get bored
While deeper in love I seem to fall.

I don't know
what made me
think I could
replace you.
Neither am I sure
why I thought
it would be a
good idea to try.
Haunted by
the memory
of how I would
embrace you.
And regretting
every second
of the day we
said goodbye.

They wait all year
To hear that bell ring
And now it's July
They don't worry about a thing.

Sandy toes
And salty kisses.
Too good to be true
It's almost fictitious.

Parents ask them
Not to throw it all away
But they're young, they're kids,
And they just want to play.

That lad with the freckles
Wants an August romance
And now there's no school
He might just have the chance.

That girl with the ribbons
Can finally stay out late
And maybe one night
She might just get a date.

They embrace every day.
They congregate at the beach,
Enjoying not learning from
A teacher who can't teach.

But Summer won't last forever.
In fact, September is near.
No more under-age drinking
Upon the old pier.

They know they'll grow old
And their hair will go grey
Which is why they insist
On seizing each day.

If this was a play,
This is when they would bow,
Knowing they'll never be as young
As they are right now.

Why not me?
Why don't I deserve true love?
The type of love I would scoff at and belittle when others possessed it.
What makes them worthy of three, four, five year long relationships when the longest anyone would put up with me for is eleven months?
Not even a year.
Maybe one day I'll experience the affection of an anniversary card or a rose or a box of chocolates.
'Cliche *******' I'd call it, bitterly, in a failed attempt to disguise my envy.
Not envy.
Sorrow.
Loneliness.
Understand that when I see them pass me by holding hands, publicly embracing, I'm not truly disgusted.
I just want to know why not me?

Who are you to interrogate me now that the boots on the other foot? Now that it's you in pain?
You tell me you can't sleep at night, thinking of him and I.
But where were you when I needed you?
Where were you when I was driven to insanity by the image of you and her, and the other one?
I've been living lies and faking thrills, yearning for your touch. But you aren't here are you? You're the loose cannon, the spontaneous, adventurous one. I know that about you.
I love that about you,
but where's the security?
What if you change your mind?
What if you don't love me?
What if you just miss me?

I recall how it was to be your woman. Terrified by that crazed look in your eye, and that sneer, that grimace, fuelled by frustration? Or some sort of love I didn't understand? Or maybe just the satisfaction you gained from making me thrall. I bet you never knew how many moans I faked in the hope that you'd stop. Perhaps you never realised your misinterpretation of my cries for help as cries of pleasure. The bruises on my body were temporary but the scars on my heart remain a constant reminder of you. And how you were all I thought I wanted, all I never had, and all I wish I didn't know.

Ten years from now I wonder where we will be. What will we be doing to **** time before time kills us? Strange to think we'll be nearly thirty, the age we spoke of in dread as the old us sat in your hallway smoking cigarette buts from your ashtray.
Remember when we spent those six weeks apart? Remember how much we had grown? Perhaps time changes us just as time heals pain, or so they say.
And why is change so taboo? We needn't feel guilty when our new selves adore one another quite the same as the old. My new inner-city slang is still besotted with your mainstream skinny jeans.
There was that day in the park when I awkwardly ignored the bride and groom that passed us by, followed by the elderly couple, and the toddler on the swings. You asked me how I pictured my future and I shrugged, considering life's unpredictability.
Now I sit by my window, gazing at the golden glow of the city, not knowing what I want for a life of my own, but fantasising of the possibility of a Christmas morning where you unwrap a guitar and spend a lifetime with musical memories, with or without me.

Is the pain of saying farewell to you worth the joy I get when we say hello?
Every train station tear drop, and all the goodbyes we spoke through choked up throats, I would do over again in exchange for one last night in your arms. Love is enough.

I know that pearls
and diamonds are in,
But look at my necklace
of rope all tied in a ring.
The colour, it changes,
into that of maroon.
A little tight at first,
but the pain will go soon.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Were you pushed or did you fall?
With glue and tape, I can put you back
Though you'll remain forever cracked.

You deserve a new delivery,
A sentence unspoken.
But when my lips do part,
And as do we,
I fear of unoriginality.
There are words that fit
But do not do justice.
Do not tire of me,
I pray,
Until I find a new way.

Cuddled in my lap and then you say you need your space.
You tell me you're depressed yet there's a smile upon your face.

You push me away and then you tell me that you need me.
You tell me that you're worthless but that isn't the way I see.

Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol. You try your best to get clean.
You say you want a better life and then you question what it all means.

I wish there was a way that I could make you understand
The purpose of it all is how it feels to hold your hand.

As the weather gets colder
We enter into the Fall,
With your arm round my shoulder
But saying nothing at all.

The season cycle goes on;
Spring will soon be passing.
So when things seem to go wrong,
Remember nothing's everlasting.

Jealousy isn't an emotion.
It's a physical pain.
It's the twisting of the dagger, persistently fighting it's way deeper into your core.
The rubbing of the salt into the already excruciating wound.
The way your heart is so broken that you can almost feel the blood dripping and draining every inch of your soul.
The way each breath feels like your last, for just a moment, because you don't know how you could possibly carry on. Or how you could possibly endure another second of this pain.
The sheer chaos in your mind like a whirlwind of terror and panic and just physical sickness.
Paranoia. Disgust. Anger.
The voice in your head will never cease.
"She's better than you."
"She writes more eloquently."
"She dances more gracefully."
"She doesn't even have to try."
"You'll never be her."
And the worst part is how you hate yourself and the envious monster you've become.

Maybe some day I'll be able to watch the sun set without wishing you were there with me.
Or maybe some day I'll hear 'Fast Car' and you won't be the first thing that springs to mind.

But probably not.

Your passion is poison and
aggressive like venom.

With your teeth in my lips,
and your firm grip
in my ***-tangled hair,
I was pressed tightly
against your door.

My heel marks are
probably still on that wall,
persistently reminding you
of those nights where
we never made it
to the bedroom.

Your wrists were already scarred
but now so are mine,
with the memory of
your fingers firmly around them.

I want to be thin.
I want to trade skin
And what lies within.
Let's trade prayers,
Trade pledges.
My curves for your edges.
Let's trade places,
Faces.
Trade lack of embraces.
I'll take your eyes
And your highs
In exchange for my toes
And my lows.
If only.

I could swear my heart is bleeding, so why is my pen run dry?
I could swear my eyes are streaming, so why won't my pen cry?

I used to find it creepy
How you'd watch me undress so intently.
But now I find myself fighting to, for just a moment, catch your eye.

We used to feel lucky
Because I had you and you had me.
But these days I'm no longer the one who can make you fly.

You used to seem happy
When we would sit and we would just be.
But you realised I'm not like the drugs that can make you high.

You can't trust no man but your father.
But I can't be mad, you played the game.
This is why they give storms names.
We are the only natural disaster.

I'd give you my last ciggy
Without shadow of a doubt
Because hearing you sing Ziggy
Is what love is all about

Simultaneously happy and sad,
I lay under the very same moon that shone above you,
(Although much farther away).
And I dreamt of the dreams we had not discussed, but I knew we both had.

Feet in the tide,
I gazed afar
Thinking of the beautifully exhausting wonders yet to be discovered.
I realise
I only want to discover them with you by my side.