i'm gonna my life in happiness
i'll live with no regrets
and when they put me in the ground


let me be remembered as the one that never
fell in with the crowd.

let my friends say to my sister at my funeral

she was always a little different
but in a good way

dear lord
if i ever spray tan my ******,
let you strike me down with lightning

Don’t ever let me go on a diet
for anyone else but me


and if there is ever a moment
when you see me from your pillows
and i am allowing myself
to hurt others,
hurt me.

hurt me until i suffer.
hurt me so i feel the pain that i have spread
and i will learn.

and if there is a day
when i don't enjoy learning
or a day that i don't make someone smile
or a day that i don't ask a question
do not be afraid to take me off this earth.

because on that day
i will be worth
nothing

I didn't try hard enough to
                                               love you
I couldn't give you
                                  me what we
                                                  needed, space
I held on too tightly until
                                         my hands went
    
                                                                 numb
I stopped breathing,
                                    you did it enough
                           for both of us.

But I promise, I will breathe
                                    
                                      bleed

                                    breathe
                                                  now.

But not for you

you didn't pull me close
           you only ever pulled away

I cried into your shirt one time

the first and the last, one time
the first and the last, one time.

your fault your fault your fault

and please,
                      don't ever come back

I keep picturing her
leaning into your chest
the exact same way i used to,
and breathing you in

making you happy
loving you more than
           I have been
                    lately

And I can't.
          ...****
I can't ask you
             to wait for me

But I want you to.
       I can't be with you
tonight
            tomorrow
or next week
so tell me what your plan is.
        tell me, darling
so I don't have
to ask you

Tell me your plan

Make me miserable
sit on your hard
chairs and wish
I was there to
make you feel

          or fight me

for me

fight me to be
with me
           this time
I want to lose
because I can't lose
you
        
  
  

         again

Give me ultimatums
     shake me

until I think straight

or at least slap me
so I don't have

to cry about my heart
hurting

Just get mad at
me
        Tell me you're moving
on and we both
know how scared I
will get

  

        Give me Everything
You have Ever felt

                     at once

i'm terrified of seeing you again.

and it's very different because it only ever brought me joy

because i would see the happiness and joy in your eyes


and i'm terrified that i'll just see hatred
towards me


for hurting you
but i would deserve it.


and you deserve to be happy. i wish i could
erase all the pain that you are feeling

and hold you again


but i can't

because i chose to let you go.

this loneliness is so difficult


and i miss you.



but being strong for yourself is better than being weak for someone else.

When we were in fifth grade we used to pretend that you were the President.
We’d sit you up on your desk, located on the tallest slide and bow down to you,
And then you’d address the world.

And when I got bored, I’d go pinch the boy I liked
And when he ran away, I’d kick him

But I don’t think I ever kicked you

Because you never ran away


And when we were thirteen
You biked to my house in the rain

And I didn’t even offer you a towel

But you didn’t even kiss me.
So we both can have our regrets, I guess

But now
When we’re sitting in your car
With wind in our hair

We can feel our pasts
Meshing like
The way our lips do

When we sing together


You make my heart, skip

going to our favorite baseball field
in a car

I look out the windows
and see grass
like the stuff we used to lay in while

you played your guitar
and I hummed

I know you

more than I know myself
you are my home

I am home

you are the softness
and  spicy smells
and curly red hairs that I find on my coat

you are the song my dad used to play
before I grew up and lost him

and do you remember when we would bike down to that
gas station and buy iced teas
and cigars

how did I come to be so very far from you?

smoke fills my lungs
and fire burns my heart

but I know I’ll be back soon.

because i miss you.

i miss you so much.
i miss your hands
the hands i used to write poetry about

before i started feeling empty again.


and now i feel alive, but it hurts so bad.


and i want to be near you
and smell your scent
and rub my face against your chest

and feel the skin on your back
against the palms of my hands


and your lips against mine


and that's why i don't want you to read this.

because it means that i'm wrong
and scared
and weak.


but if you read this
you would look at me and tell me that i'm beautiful and strong



and i would just keep being angry at myself.




i just want to stop missing you.
please don't read this.



i miss you.

with hands and heart


he is thoughtful
compassionate

and wonderful

yesterday i took a long drive
and i drove
looking for a place

that i had never been.

because all of my favorite places are now tainted,
tainted.

with memories.

i needed a new place
where i could create new memories
of peacefulness
and content happy feelings.


because the beach down the road from my house reminds me of the day i went skinny dipping
and the coffee shop down the street reminds me of just a few days ago
where i called you on the phone,
and tears made my tea salty.

and i didn't want to go to a store or something
because you can't sit peacefully and relax in a store.

it took a while


but i followed my heart.
i took a left on rice street.
i passed the beach.

drove all the way into St. Paul

I passed the Cathedral.
i thought about going in, but my soul just wasn't feeling it.
So i kept driving.

and all of a sudden, i decided to pull over

and i sat in my car.
and i cried
and i wrote you a sad song (that you will probably never hear)

and then i got out.

embracing the cold.
and i walked into a place

that didn't remind me of anyone.

i sat there
and i drew on my arms.
and i wrote poetry.
and when it was closing time, i helped a girl there move the furniture so she could vacuum.

and i felt alive.
creating a new memory

that hasn't been and will never be

tainted

he seems so much bigger
than he used to
but i know he hasn't grown.
he'll never grow up

but he'll always be my mountain
tall and bigger than the sky
too large to handle
i'm just a little girl, after all.

he's crumbling, crushing me

i need to escape

i'm trapped under the rubble
of what failed.

warm, indented pillow
found a few of your hairs
your head used to be  
right
here
a few hours ago,
you were right
                   here
curled up inside of me
and I didn’t know how
to feel about it
happy?
Differently pleasant
redundant movement
but I rejoiced
and I miss how you  feel

soft in some places
hard in others
the inbetween places
covered in me


       glorious
I wanted to      touch
you all over but
I don’t know you
that well


yet.

and now that you’re gone
I find myself
so very much

alone


and I am hating you
with
deep
rooted
hate
I want to love
you
but how do I do that?

dreams of dying

then what happens?

mine will go to the darkness, like hers did
and she will weep giant waterdropletsonmyface,
and i will drink them until my stomach is full of sadness

she will always be reaching for that small moment of peace

and i will always be searching for someone to love me

she has no heart, no *******,
no legs no belly no heat

now you are here

your clothes are vacant
i want to wear them for you
let's be together

climb into each other's shirts and skirts and socks until
we can't move anymore

and we'll lay over each other
resting and reading sleeping warmly
and you will never be tristful, here with me

and your lips will taste like sweet coffee
all the time

how nectarous

Barbies
          their heads come off
                so easily.
so i'm sitting in my room
pretending that i am
                       a ruthless
King

              and these ***** wenches

have all broken laws.

     and they need to
         be punished.

Black ruffled waves crossing,
sweeping over the crinkled eyes and the
mysteries that hide there
Childhood is remembered when one brings a comb
to the head of
this lovely excuse
for an animal
Describe it, disguise it, dye it different colors
simply to
feel
real
I spend my days dreaming of softly ruffling, slipping oily tips into the ocean of black waves
Your roots and ends are worth too much,
I should shave it all off while you sleep
and keep it in a bag to smell during days that you are absent.

And when your attic gets chilly and lonely,
I will glue it back on and we will rejoice,
won’t we?
We have no need for hats yet,
and we won’t until you are scared of dying
On sad days I want to run my hands through it
and live in your scalp
where everything
will be soft and sweet--sweat smelling
like in a cave that is never dark
or frightening

when I get the opportunity
   I dig you out of the ground
like gold
      I dig my fingers into
your crevices, spreading your
   skin across my palms

It's this emptiness
the feeling of being
punched in the stomach

Not once
                  but every every every every every every every
moment

the skin on my eyelids is
raw

        I want to just
close them  

              and rest

from the pain
       and the (dull screaming)
ness of my headaches
and my
******* sinus infections

and my sore heels
from stepping on the
glass shards

from the window I had to break.

I wish I could blame
you

but the truth is

I slit my own wrists

this time

               and I'm
dealing with this pain
          alone

              I'm feeling it
until this pit

either shrinks
              or disappears

or until you come back



it's all my fault.

Let me explain something to you.

When you look at me
with your soft ocean blue eyes,
and you look into my soul
and you can see all the hurt
and all the lies
that i have been telling myself to get me by

I want to cry. I want you to hold me.

No one else.

And when I give in to that need,
and the hot tears fall into my lap,
I just can't help it.

They just come
when you're near me.

And I don't understand it
i don't understand myself
and i don't understand how i feel about you.

Because when I let those tears fall,

to me, they feel like weakness
that somehow managed to leak out of my eyes
because I'm keeping too many secrets

and the biggest one
is that

I love you
and I want to keep you in my life.

But I don't want to sound selfish

So I make do, never taking the time
to explain to you
that all I wanna do

is let you hold me.

Because this weakness- you turn it into strength.

And, as ****** up as my past is,

you took the time

                                 to learn how to love me.

But I still
can't stand

for you
to see me cry.

the biggest piece of *******
is that i can't move on
with my life, until this is settled.
I can't wait to
be over you.
I can't wait for
the point in time
when I
can see you
and not feel
as angry as
I do.


I am angry

at how you

Built a wall
around yourself, keeping me out

and I tore mine down,
          

                        brick; by brick

coaxing you into feeling something

when ALL of this ****


was your idea to begin with.


Well, next time you're lonely

find another girl to stick your **** into.

find another girl to make you feel special.





*find another girl to break

Rainy day phone call
      from my fogged up car
I can hear your smile
                                    it lights up my eyes

                                    I can feel my skin glowing

                                              underneath your fingertips

and tears forming
                                      underneath my eyelashes

my breath
couldn’t keep up
with our rapid kissing

and I suffocated
right there
in your red arms

and when I died
you kept right on
*******

my man has a sweet, soft nature
elegant and warm
he is a sea ~
often calm, but the storm is a beautiful and frightful place to be

my man has delicate fingers
they find pleasure inbetween the strands of my hair
against my thighs
behind my neck
underneath my shirt



my man is like the father i never had
stern with me
proud of me
invested in me


my man is my favorite person
when he sleeps he is perfect
when he speaks he is thoughtful
when he gives he is gorgeous
when he is frustrated with me i crumble


my man is devastating
devouring
deeply in love
divergent

my man is righteous
radical
real
ravishing



my man is no one's man
my man is his own love and his own sustenance
he asks me of so little and he gives so much

my man is a contradiction of too good to be true and standing right in front of me

i haven't written in a while because all of my poems started to sound the same

they start off with " I miss you"
and usually end that way, too.

but my birthday was yesterday

and I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be

but I am really starting to understand things better
and my world has gotten more clear.

and you

only ever added to my happiness


but
I wish we had danced more,
when we had the time.

You
were my favorite person to dance with.


But I hope
that when you fall in love with someone new,

that they dance with you
and that they love you

the way you loved me.

one of the most
beautiful people
I've met in a long
                             time

has dark red scars

up her arms and wrists
gorgeous ******
                              up past

just like mine

I want to tell her
that i understand
and first  
              and foremost
   "you're not alone"

My hands are grody
from touching my
aching face

there is dirt
underneath my fingernails

from digging my
own grave




this hole isn't

deep enough yet.







keep digging

the best sound in my entire world
is heavy breathing
unsynchronized
and the soft swishes of fingertips brushing over back-skin
and little gasps

of pure happiness

and i don't have to wonder anymore
if i am making music

or even if we're making love
because i am lying on beautiful cream colored clouds
in the back of your parents' van
and i don't think it really matters.

pit in my stomach like a punch to the ****** the room fades away and things become blurry my eyes lose all focus and my feet lose all balance i gracefully sink into the floor

this year,
i will not kiss anyone
that i don't want to kiss.

i will not let people grind up on my ***
in clubs
if i am not interested.

when my heart races and falls, dead
into the sea of stomach acid
I will scream no
at the top of my lungs

so that you will hear me, for once

I will value
myself
and what i want.


I will actually learn
what i want
and chase it

like horses in
a meadow
running

because they have the most beautiful freedom to do so.


**i will stop being afraid
of hurting you

because, ******

you hurt me too.

So what am I
             expected to do
I guess for now I'll
pumpout poems
          chockfull of cliches

and other ****

      Because honestly,

                It doesn't feel
           right to do anything

                           else.


          So call me cliche

          But know that I'm-

          feeling more
                   than you

                             have ever felt.

This is it.
       I am leaving this
dark-holed up smelly bedroom
that does nothing for
me but give me a place
to sleep.

            And I wake up
and step out of my old ***** bed
        (sheets covered in
your       ***** sweat&tears;)

and I step softly
down the hallway


to the room with the hard tiled floor (chilling my toes )

and into the shower

to begin the process

of washing you out

of me

my tiny cousin
with 8 years of age
compares you to the      
                           old boyfriend

the one that no longer crosses
my mind
                  at all

but you (darling-dear--)

you cross my mind every morning
                                             moment
                                                evening, alone

and my tiny cousin and I

agree

         that we like you so
much more than
we liked him

It was like
                   you were like

making music with words
                                    that make me

feel again

                I have to practice
being happy.

                             I think.
                                         you think?

because at the end of the day

when my hair is one billionth
of an inch

                   lon
                         ger
than it was yesterday,

                      No one notices

       except you.

I'm glad you're moving on
I hope you find someone perfect for you,
more perfect than I could have ever been
Maybe you'll marry her
and you'll have beautiful little
baby girls together and you'll
pick them up and carry
them on your shoulders to the
park and kiss their heads
and tuck them in and
kiss your wife good night
and fall asleep

      and you won't think of me
anymore.

I’m so troubled

The way he kisses me is the same way you used to
And I don’t know

If I like it or not.

I wish I could drench your pain
in peppermint
rub it onto your forehead
                            and into your heart

and soak up your coffee tears
with a warm blanket
  and hold you while you cry

I wish I could sew all of our
clothes together, so I
would always be there
when the red walls start
bleeding and creeping toward
you.
        I can't fix the
world

          but I can do a few things

         I can cook you a warm breakfast
            and dinner when you come home

I can wash our clothes
      when they get filled
with the  paint that you
       drown yourself in

I can love you
                        the way my mother loves me


because that's all I know how to do.

maybe we just got separated
we forgot how to be together
because when I was born you knew how to be my pops

remember when you would say
here
put this belt in each loop while I spin.

and then you would spin,
with your arms out
and I thought you might fly away



and then things got difficult
with me
and you couldn’t- -
wouldn’t figure it out

but thanks for trying now

sometimes i wish you did out of this world
nice things for me. Like send me flowers.
Surprise me by calling me on the phone, because
you never do. Write me letters about
your day. Make the effort to come see
me on a Thursday.
               When you think I look especially
beautiful, don't say it. Instead, grab me
by the waist and slow dance with me.
       Read me poems just because.
Touch my hair. Rub my neck or back.
When you listen to a song that reminds you
of me, write down the title so
you can play it for me when we
see each other. Make things for me,
like ceramics or pictures.
                              kiss my nose, forehead,
                                                and cheeks.
kiss me everywhere. Kiss every single one
of my fingers.

                                        I wish i never had to
                                        ask you to do these things
                                        for me

If you said you loved every single
freckle on my knees
I could tell you that I love
every hair on your chin
because that's true.

but i don't know if i love the hair on your
toes

            it's really odd.

I want so badly to fall for you


but I am so done with

love.

            
             i can't stand it.
i can't stand myself.

if you said you loved every
single freckle on my knees

     i wouldn't believe you.

These poems are all about girls like me
the type of girl
that makes you think you're the one, the absolute one
covering your weathered face with kisses
telling you
-you can stay as long as you like.

girls like me


we ******* over
in the end.

we begin by letting you fall for us
when we're not interested.

then we become a little bit attached
to you
enough that we feel guilty
when we leave you

and we're weak
without you
so we beg for forgiveness

and we keep you hanging around

until we find someone
good enough
to replace you.


if that isn't the most ****** up thing i've ever heard

you made love to me under the moon

the wisps of your hair sticking
to your forehead

and our muffled lovemoans
just barely reaching past our lips

the grass was so soft.


you made love to my body under the moon

the wooden chimes on your porch clocking against each other,
a crisp hollow sound


you were just a little bit tipsy
from 6 beers
and buzzed from the nicotine
our breath

matching and climbing

our tongues
tasted like smoke

i love this memory

because it was the most spontaneous,
wonderful thing i could have ever dreamed up.

nervous, yet the world was so calm around us

while the owls in the trees
and the moon

watched,

you made love to me
that summer night

in your backyard

loneliness
grips me by the heart
and squeezes me into a pulpy mass
of tissue and blood

dripping

because you're miles and miles away from here

and i am scared
of spending time with other people
in case you finally decide to call

so i stay in,
watching the rain make the grass greener
sipping some coffee
watching some tv
writing some poetry

watching that pulpy mass grow mold
                                    it is in the corner of my house,
                              i'm trying not to look at it.

i'm trying to ignore the loneliness


but i'm hurting.
my throat is choked
and i haven't worn make-up in days (what's the point
it just comes off when i cry)

but you,
you have the sweetness
and the kindness
when you wrap yourself around me,
i feel like home

but
you're
miles

and miles

away.

I don’t even miss you

what were you but a person,
any person

to watch tv with, to look at, to sleep next to

just a warm body



that filled the space, with empty words


and in the end, the space was left empty. room was made, but never filled

never to capacity

my heart was forever giving, and never full


and now that you have left,
I don’t miss you



I feel like I should thank you
for allowing my heart to become accustomed
to empty space,

empty

life

these three words have
been repeated to human being
to human being in a billion and fifty
different languages and dialects but
never
never
never have they meant
what you make happen inside
of me. It radiates from
your smile

and kicks me in the chest.
your palms sweat with the
scent of it
your tears
                  taste like love



i can taste the love in your
tears.

it makes me feel like
a new person. newly
whole.

And when the sweating, crying, smiling
has ended,

you'll still be right here.

I trust you now. I was
so scared
of moving at the speed of
light

but the      moon
                  sun
                  stars
                               have never been
                               as bright as I
                               am
                                       when I'm  
                                       with you.

the flood gates have opened,
               the water rushes to my center, the
                           place where I feel things
it breaks me down
                        leaks through the walls

and you are my water

      you are my rain - the rain
              that washes away everything else

Clothes drenched - strip them off.
Make-up smeared - wipe it away

            You are the river
                       I float downstream,
              watch the sun sparkle off of the
                  reflection of my face,

                            red hair clinging to my shoulders.

              you are my ocean
      and I feel infinite
                                      when your waves
                                           crash over me

So let them crash over me,
                               let them sweep me
                                                        away

                         sink to the bottom of you.

the nights feel so much longer
and I haven’t seen the sun in days

my skin will soon shrivel up

raisinistic features, screaming bleeding chapped lips


and I think I’ll **** that groundhog if
he says
what I
think he’ll
say


my hair will fall out
clump by clump

my gums in my mouth will become metallic and large

this winter will never end

your summers
of happiness and ***

remind me of mine.

long drives with boys i loved
cigarettes and sweat
and ***
literally every day, sometimes for hours.
Usually for hours.
Sometimes four hours.



;reminds me of my boy with greyblueblack eyes
and my boy with the hairy toes (two years of lovelovelove
and the boy that played me guitar, always letting me sing
to him

and
the boy that ****** me
and ****** me over
and kissed me
to keep from freezing
inside his cold life



and then of course
there's the boy



with those beautiful hands

that haunt me
now


trying to fall asleep
i imagine his arms around me

his hands
his glorious slender hands
in my hair
that he thinks is so pretty

(breathing into my neck)

that thought is enough to get me to sleep every night
now that sleeping has become difficult to do.


i love your little stories
of her back
-skin dancing in the sun
of windows
softly
creeping through the curtains




Man, the way you must have loved her

you were alone.

you needed someone

i was available (maybe too available)

you thought you loved me.

and then you realized you didn't.

and you didn't want to hurt me.

so you carried on

pretending


because it was easier.




It's okay.






                  **I probably would have done the same thing

if you have ever lived in
a dark place
then you know
                                  that you can't trust anyone
even the feet holding you up are
shaky and unsure
Things are confusing

                and you feel as if

there is no way out
                                       maybe giving up is
                                        the best option

because so far, no one has
shined a light upon you

                      you're not worth it
                      
i'm not worth it

I've never been a weak girl

I've always stood tall, walked tall

No one can bring me down

except myself.
                             I throw myself into
raging rivers
dark graves
impossible relationships

                                            because I somehow
                                             think I can make it
                                                          out.



I've been living in a dark place

Show me the way out
If you are who you
say you are,

take me by the waist
wrap your arms around
                                           my
                              colla
                                             psi
                                                   ng
                                                                      bo
                                                                                dy

Pretty bird

Fly me out of this
hole I've dug




God, a girl needs help sometime


so please
                    help me

lift me lift me life me lift me

                 off of the ground

I know I'm a heavy burden

weighed down with baggage
from my past

but Pretty Bird

If you would be so kind

you can't sleep without me
you can't breathe without me
you smoke a pack a day without me
you have nightmares without me
you can't feel anything without me
you can't eat without me
you can't focus on anything without me

But as soon as you have me

you realize

you're better off




without me.

I write to remember
I write to hear the rain fall over and over in my head

I am writing to hear his voice softly in my ear,
feel his lips and breath next to my face

I have written to cry
i write to make others cry
because that’s how I know they feel something

that’s how I know the difference between us
and them

I write to remember the mud under in between over up top of my toes
And the glorious cold sweetness of it
How I remember it musty and home-like

And I write to remember her eyelashes
And her crinkly smile

I always write to make myself feel something
And to make others feel me
Feel my soul
Reaching out like
I reached out to him
After I drove away

I write to remember
The people I have lost

And I hope that when people read what I have written
They will change their minds about killing themselves
Because it will remind them
That life is beautiful