I should have kissed you
inside the hollowed tree;
A moment planned precisely,
obvious enough for discovery.

I should have kissed you
at the top of the hill;
Your skin illimuninated
by the sun setting behind you.

I should have kissed you
on that floral couch;
When the silence penetrated
all but my screaming thoughts.

I should have kissed you
beneath the water;
But I just wondered
why you were even there.

I should have kissed you
but I didn’t.
You said you’d hold me
but you left me in the dust.

You said you’d hold me
but you didn’t.
You ran and ran
but you can’t hide.

Who are you little one?
Small boy who sits
At the edge of the bed
Voice so soft I can barely hear it
Where did you come from?
Beautiful and baby faced
But you kiss like a man
You lift me and pull me close
I can feel strength in you

Hold me small boy
Let me make you feel big
Like a man
A real machismo

Blonde and curly
Like golden rods
And you smell that way
I breathe you in
And I can feel
Summer’s warm embrace
Endless life and endless green

Tell me boy would you turn away
If I became weak and timid
Like a feral cat?
Would you dance along beside me?
As I spin wildly on
Smiling big smiles
Screaming like a wicked *****
Beautiful and free

If I’m moving this way
Would you follow closely behind?
Or run off when my back is turned?
Tell me my little one
Hold me close
And strong
Don’t break the barrier
That you’ve created around me
Just tell me with your quiet voice
Like rustling branches
That you’ll stand behind me

I know your smell
Like warm bread,
like sweet, hot breath
It follows as I leave
It clings lazily to my clothing
and it's imbedded in my hair

I let the water fall on me
and so you swim down the drain
I can never get clean from you,
because you can never make me feel *****
Only alive

There's throbbing and aching,
in the place where you've been
I smile and remember,
as I close my eyes
You know all my sweet spots

You have never taken from me
You only give, and give, and give
and you're with me when I go

I breathe in and say,
this is what love is for

If* only you were a little less bent
Fixable
Like, a little less hollow
Gullible

"If only you would just! stop! thinking!
For once
You must be tired
I mean OH MY GAWD
Its like you're wired!

And like, your're way too cynical
Sarcastic, witty sure, but that's just
typical!
Arrogance, you think your're better-
than- Oh wait look at that hot guy,
his name is Brent-
Wait, wait

Now, what was it I was saying-
Yeah your'e like way too
cold, puts people off
Your're disarming...
No wait-I meant alarming
haha!


I mean smile, for once
Laugh at a joke!
Talk to the guys,
Gosh, you don't even ****!
-All you do is mope,
I mean seriously c'mon
I'm trying to be nice
You have such potential!-"

-"shutup you dumb *****."

Our shaking hands,
See they weren't made for  
cigarettes
And all these words, flowing through our heads
Weren't meant to let us
sleep


We were only 16
Scarred, but beautiful
Like broken things sometimes are
Rarely are
Young, nicotine stains
Lungs full of words we drowned in
Choked on
Burying friends we had grown up with

How sad
How sad

A year later

Another funeral
We all look older
Wrinkles on our foreheads
But were only seventeen
Too young for crows feet
Unmistakable
Unshakable
Grief painted in our eyes
And we couldn't even look at each other
A year later, shaking hands
Same nicotine stained fingers
On our baby hands as we threw the dirt
On his casket

Another year
*Another friend

I remember that summer by the lake
How you were surprisingly quiet that day
and nice to everyone which was weird
no sarcastic remarks
or swearing

so unlike you

your wit had died down
if we hadn't known better
we would of said you were distracted
But grateful for the change in your
demeanour
and teaching me to skip stones
If only you had taught me how to place my heart in my palm
and throw that away
instead

You weren't one for smiles
but you didn't like dramatic send offs either
that's why I was surprised when we found your cold body on the floor
bathed in the afternoon sun
In your fathers cabin
by that god forsaken lake
Under that red sky that turned everything the shade of your blood

Cassie slipped and fell and screamed
But I didn't hear her I was too busy focusing on you
willing myself to see a chest rising and falling
but all there was, was static
somewhere beyond Cassies screams

And Luke rushed to somehow clasp your wounds shut
The reflexes of a Doctor's child
But he didn't see that there was no more blood left to flow
and you were blue and cold
but you seemed unburdened of whatever
was eating
you

I remember feeling relief
I stood there
numb

We laughed at your funeral
At the irony of it all
and when your aunt got up and said you were the most
kind, generous young man
we almost died of laughter then

you were the most cold sarcastic ******we ever met

but still loved you

Jake elbowed me and said "What would he do if he was here right now?"
I smiled  "He'd jump out that ******* coffin and give his mother a heart attack"
Because it was you after all
You did love dramatic endings

I gave your voice to the sun
I tried to catch the stars in my hands
But they fell through and cut me
Sliced my fingers into two

There is nothing in the sky but your silence
Looks like the sun burned the sound of music away
And the stars sparkle on the floor from when they landed here
As for me I am nowhere
Nowhere

I tried to give your voice to the sun
But the sound of music burned away
And the stars, they fell one by one
Cut my hands away
Tried to give you to the sun

Our moon is incompatible
November's cold and grey
You have ***** fingernails
Whereas I try to wash the dirt away

And what I once thought was music
Was just the sound of a thousand shattering stars
And what I once thought was beautiful
Was merely a thousand glittering scar's

You are a silly little man-child
And I am just a little girl
But as for me, I am tired
Of the blunt beauty of this world

I am on Pluto dear
You are on Mars
We sold each other out honey
We destroyed the stars

And you cry on the carpet,
Just loud enough to be heard
Well all your dreaming, its nothing
Wipe the stains from your eyes, get the water off the rug
Because death you see is a beginning
And when I told you such things
You suddenly got still, and I thought it was a breakthrough
But then you raised your head up and howled
The way a mother wolf does to an owl
A scream so full of painful meaning

Your words rang bitter and they rang true
Your eyes spilled water, and so did you
and you said "You don't know that, no one ever did,
certainly no one that's come back to live,
its a lie that you tell, to yourself when you dream,
but you most certainly don't know ANYTHING"

And then the carpet disappeared
with all of her tears
But the ringing in my head did never stop
And now i scream from the floor
from the same spot she was before
And i cry for new beginnings

And for the innocence Ive lost
in my tormented youth
the low blows I aimed at the ceiling
Yeah, its the end of a new beginning

The end
The end
of
nothing

I watched my father from a distance
Being mauled by a bear
And even from this far away
In his eyes i could see fear
Pure ******* fear

I listened to lucy tell me
The worst thing Ive ever heard
About how 2 men grabbed and  ***** her
Is that worse than being mauled?

I do not know
But i guess they mustve screamed
So loudly into the distance
She was only thirteen

Only thirteen
And I was twelve at the time
I asked her if it hurt
I should’ve known better
Instead I made it worse

I met Daniel at a party
He showed me his scars
He said his father shot himself
So he decorates his arms

And monica paints pictures
Of skies so beautifully blue
Though she herself is dying
Just skin and bones and truth

I asked her if she found it
In all the painting’s she created
Did you find Daniels father?
Was he cremated?
Did you find Lucy’s innocence?
Unburdened her of her shame?
Can your paintbrush do that?
Can it make you sane?

What about my mother
Does she have a say
Can she ever get back
What was lost that day?

Can you paint my eyes
So they un-see what was seen
Can you paint the sounds
Of Lucy's silent screams
Can you paint Daniels arms
Make the scar's disappear?
Can a ******* painting
Ever make things all clear?