like that dream you have when you're falling
and you wake up with a jolt
                and heart is bump bumping
    loving you is exciting

like when you're eating a meal cooked by your mom
and you just can't believe how good it tastes
warm and full of comfort
loving you is home

like when your sister is in the hospital
and you can't stop wondering if she's going to be okay
loving you is devastating

like when you hear that song that brings you right back to high school
heart swells with good memories
       loving you is nostalgic

like when you spend all your money on a new camera you've been saving up for
and you're just so excited to make new moments beautiful

loving you is brand new

policing my body with your jealousy

controlling the love I share
the number of friends I could have

Always judgmental, Always hiding from me

Your **** insecurities
      brought us down

and when I fell
you chained me to the
        floor


foot on my neck

         -    -    -   -   -
     DON'T
                         MOVE



*or I'll leave you

you brought me right
   back to high school

staying up late
                smoking ***
making love until
                    we just can’t
                                   anymore
you broke down all of my walls
               you peeled my shell
               off of my skin,

leaving me flushed and pink

    You brought me right back
            to child-like wonder
  and joy

laughing so hard we roll on
                      the floor
running and screaming
               then you lift
                          me up
                way into the air

the child in me

        is the happiest


I’ve ever been
--------

        When we finally

have to wake up and be
                     adults--

When that morning comes

                             I’ll cry like a baby

I don’t even miss you

what were you but a person,
any person

to watch tv with, to look at, to sleep next to

just a warm body



that filled the space, with empty words


and in the end, the space was left empty. room was made, but never filled

never to capacity

my heart was forever giving, and never full


and now that you have left,
I don’t miss you



I feel like I should thank you
for allowing my heart to become accustomed
to empty space,

empty

life

am I numb?

am I shoving these feelings down in order to survive?

if I was truly feeling them, could I go to work, or go to school?


could I laugh and have fun with my friends?
could I think about kissing other people?



am I numb?



or maybe I’ve just been over you since the last time we saw each other

two months ago
when we wore promises like chapstick



and I wore your hands like a shirt

I have wiped the slate clean
with the sleeve of my shirt

where my heart once found its home


this morning
sobbed over the frying pan

stupidly thinking
about how I used to make you breakfast




but it was being appreciated that I truly miss
and I’m not sure if that’s what it really was
if you truly appreciated me


or if you just liked the idea of having someone make you breakfast.


regardless
I miss you saying thank you

the last time we saw each other
I was a mess

and you never got to see the person I was after that


you just gave up
that I was a cocoon and that the butterfly had perished inside
and might never come out.


but those wings are bright orange and purple

and I don’t really miss you at all.