Remember how you used to
                  watch me?

your blue eyes,
                 staring at me while I
   was onstage
playing a song, reading a poem,
         performing a monologue

even when I wasn't onstage
    when we were alone
                in my room
and I would sing  for you
          then kiss your forehead
     and stroke your ears.

Even in class, when I would speak
      my mind
I always knew you were listening
                          intently

sometimes, from across the room,

    you would watch me
            dance.

Thank you for appreciating
        the art and
           those moments I
wanted to share with you.

      I hope you cherish
                   them

as much as I do

I fell apart
   I fell hard to the ground
Felt myself shatter into
some large pieces
and some small ones.
too small to pick up again.
                              ****** fingers-
                                            shards of glass.
Nothing could be done.

I fell apart
               identity split between
thousands    -       millions of
things that make me up.
split between
                         daughter/feminist
                     partner/student
                       privilege/marginalization

split between
                         "it was bad for me
                       worse for you"

how does this erase

                  how much light does this
             give?
                             How much love is
                shared and exchanged

    when we fall apart

                             by choice

when love is black
and our fingers are intertwined

i look outside and see the white snow
and tremble with anger

but i hold my sustenance dear

when the walls have been broken down
and there is confusion in our voices

i look to the blood red sky and pray
pray, yes, I pray
that i will see it blue again
in  this lifetime

Does it have to get worse before
              it gets better?
                            are we going to
                            drown
   before we grow gills?

             or can we depend on each
                other to lift us out
                    of the deepest ocean
                         we've ever swam in

Who is benefitting?
                                     Who is angry?
Who is Dying?
                                Who is surviving?
Who is scared?
                               Who is speaking?
Why
           are
                  there disparities?      S   P        A    C    E   S

                                               between the
                   lives we want to live
                                           and
                                                       the ways we are
                                                                              shot in the
                                                                                         street

burnt mouth taste
aching chest
legs tights and cramped

heavy head, not to be held up any longer
by the strings I have cut throughout my day

i want to be free from them
I want to hold myself up


but i always wait
wait for your strings
to be tied around my wrists

please tie my soul to my body

I fear it will fall away
and I will lose myself in the sadness I felt before I met you

and I will go back to being the sad person i was

you remember.
I used to write those sad poems

now my poems are only sad when you feel far away

when I get the opportunity
   I dig you out of the ground
like gold
      I dig my fingers into
your crevices, spreading your
   skin across my palms

I once told you that you are like ice cream.
I want you to know that you're not just ice cream.
You are like sunshine, the air.
You are like cilantro, deep belly laughter.
You are the water I dip my toes into,
a crisp clear lake


in which I see my reflection