I find myself angry
and near tears
because I fear
that I might not
be able to get over you

When the fear gets to
be too much

I drink or
I find someone
                         else

to keep me warm

but that doesn't always work

either my standards
are too high
or my
self-esteem too low

either
             way

I want you
to come back home

So
I guess
I will stop here
to avoid redundancy

when i came back
a few weeks after i broke up with you.

i came back.

we both had to come back home
and we were faced with the reality

that we live in the same building
and we work with the same people


you saw my new nose ring.

I saw your new sweaters.
You were so handsome.

I don't think you will ever really understand
how good you looked.

too good.


you looked too good for me.
you,

           a giant
                            with hands more beautiful than the sea

and the most beautiful smile
       i have ever seen.


you were too good to be true.

or
had i built you up in my head?

what was it that made me end things?


there have been so many mornings where I ask myself that question
and I just can't

remember

annie told me
              that she saw you

the day before you left.

and that she had taken a minute
to
  ask you
         if you missed
                      me.

"so, what did he say?"
i inquired,
my heart beating out of my chest


but she wouldn't tell me.

I can only guess.

and i think yes and no are both equally plausible responses

so i have no idea.
i only know that i miss you

every morning when i wake up

and you're not in that bed with me.

I'm leaving
      and I'm not coming back

To this town
filled with memories of you
(I would say memories of us,
but I don't really feel
like I was a part of them.)
It was always you.

You were the roots
keeping me here

Until I realized, I am
                     not a tree

I am a bird
            with wings

Wings to fly away with.

And you are gone,
       across the country.

That town would never
feel like home
without you.

I would only fill my time
with meaningless conversations
carried on by people
that don't care about me.

So I'm going home
away from our house

Because that town
is in the middle of nowhere

and it was only ever a "somewhere"

                                                  with you

i made love to myself
on the bed where
we used to sleep
next to each other
just last summer

at first,
to get myself off,
i imagined random men and women in my life
pushing against me
pleasing me

Then,
your face
and your body
intruded into my soft and vulnerable mind

and my moans
quickly turned into
very different sounds

and I felt tears in my eyes

I started to sob
my body grew limp
and i exhaled, pulling out of myself

turning onto my side, pulling the blankets over my body


the makeup from last night running into my eyes

I sobbed

because you are more beautiful
than i

and although months
(which felt like years)
have gone by

I still miss you
                       like we said goodbye
only yesterday


and my fingers
are ugly and sharp
compared to your

gentle slender ******* hands.

I am sitting outside of our home

Hoping, sending messages telepathically
messages that you will never get

that you might meet me here

but those towers were knocked down today

and it was today that I
realized that you
are just as gone as they are.

What once was
                             is now a pile
of rubble and dust
never coming back

but, when i drive up that hill

i can still see them

and when i walk
down that hallway, i still
see you behind that desk
wearing the sweater i gave you.

Happy to see me.




but you're gone
                                  gone gone gone.

the ghost of you is
everywhere.

I can see
your face

hear your voice
feel your skin, your hair

and i miss you.

I try every ******* thing
I can possibly think of

to stop missing you

But I haven't found anything

that quite does the trick.