I remember every inch of you
and those memories come
back to haunt me now, while i
toss and turn, attempting
any semblance of rest.

but there is no escaping you.
you are so clear, so fresh
in my mind that, when
i close my eyes, i imagine
i can hear you breathing in
this bed next to me.
i feel the warmth of
your skin. i feel your
hands on my waist,
pulling me close while
your full lips press against
mine, my fingers in
the hair at the back
of your neck

I can see every tiny detail
of your face.
the mole near your lip,
the tiny scar on your
forehead, the skin tab
on your eyelid, the little
hairs on your chin and cheeks.

the softness of your skin
how it was perfect.
plush to the touch,
not skinny or hard
but not fat

the way your ***** hair would
have the most perfect tiny
curls, how it felt between
my fingers. Soft, unexpectedly

the hair on your legs made
you manly. your calves
so strong. Anyone could
see that those legs
were going to take you
places.

How- when i would
straddle your stomach and
you would pull your arms
above your head,
                 valleys would form

valleys would form in your
armpits, where your glorious
scent was the one
smell that let me know
i was home.

You were my home.

Valleys would form, craters
would appear in your
collarbone, jutting out in
a way that i couldn't
resist touching.

your *******, tiny
hills. you would always
complain, but
you were so beautiful.

the toenails on your big toes
were broad and flat
hair growing on the
                        top of your foot


if only you were here
      tonight

I would kiss every inch of you

until you truly understood

how much I miss you.
I miss you.
You and only you.

mi Alejito,
                mi amor

i never meant to insinuate
that you never feel anything


in fact,
you feel things just as strongly as i do

and i loved you
for those moments


when you painted the music


when you held me as i cried
over and over again
(not always knowing the reasons for each tear)
when you decided to dance with me.
when you asked me for a kiss
and waved goodbye
for the last time.


and now
i'm faced with people
that want me.
that want to know me
the way you knew me


but i feel as though
i still don't know myself
i still don't know the part of me that you loved so much
i don't know where that girl is.

all i know is that you brought her out of me.

you brought out the best in me.

i just need to figure out how to bring out the best in myself.

because the numbness is starting to return
and i have gone back to filling my time with pointless ****

and spending time with people that don't really care about me.
because,
i don't really think i'm worth caring about.

not yet.

she gave me an empty book
in which to write poetry.

she told me she made it.

she told me she didn't use line paper because
lines only limit us.

without lines on the pages,
my poems would surely flow more freely

in all directions.


i couldn't tell her
that when my world is spinning out of control (which is often)


that lines are the only thing that can give me direction

my bed has become
a nest of nightmares and tears.
What once brought me
peace is now a
dreaded place
I receive no rest.
no relaxation, no rejuvenation

I lay awake, eyes open
staring at the ceiling

whenever they close, I
can only see your face in
full accurate detail.
I know it by heart

my heart aches
our last conversation
runs through my head
on repeat. every word.
the sound of your voice in my mind
makes me cry

I tried to sleep naked
but it only made my
skin long for your
touch. Sometimes

I      swear

        I can feel your
beautiful hands on
                my waist

    until
               I open my eyes
  again
            and reality kicks in


you are gone.
       lost; not wanting to be found.

I woke up sobbing
My dream was too good
to be true
and it seems to have
ripped me apart

you had called me
telling me that you
had changed your mind

             you wanted to be
                    together

and you told me to
come over.

I knew exactly where
        to go

you were at my old
house, where I
grew up

with all the people
I didn't know I missed
all my childhood
friends
                  And it was as if
nothing had changed

And you,

you were asleep on an
air mattress on the
floor when I arrived

when I bent over you
to kiss your lips

I felt 20 years of emptiness
erupting from my heart

I just want to stop feeling empty





but my days feel like
a vast ocean, I
try to swim but
I'm drowning

don't have *** with somebody you're not in a relationship with,
they all say.


            it gets messy.

hearts get torn apart
                                 when the pumping
leads to a sense of attachment
          and a feeling
                      of being used.

Don't have *** unless you're in love.

I thought it
didn't apply to me.

because i'm supposed to be
the heart-breaker

        Never let anyone too close.

or they'll run away when
they figure out who
I really am

but the ***
  

when the skin
is wet with perspiration
                 and hair is in your
mouth, licking moist
thighs, so excited

and afterward
you want to tell them
                                             your secrets.


but your secrets hold so much power



and they run away
faster than you can say

                                  

                              thanks for the ****

it's amazing
                        that you
never notice
            how much you think
about someone
                    until
it hurts to think about
         them

and lately, my heart hurts
       every few minutes
I'm filled with confusion
and heartache

because i wasn't given an explanation
and it feels as though

you are trying to ****
yourself off in my
mind

                            but you are not dead

and you can't fool me
          into feeling
lost without you

        because i will find you again

                           if you will
                               find me.