do you ever
think that

maybe we were just too different

to be meant for each other?


i believe in souls.
you are stuck in the mud of being clearheaded and logical

i write poetry
you get frustrated trying to get words to rhyme

i try to fill up this hole in my heart
you never had a hole to begin with

i have scars on my wrist
you tried to fix it because it felt wrong

i have so much hurt in my heart
and you



...
and you

and

well
i guess you do too.

i can't believe i didn't see what i had done to you. this
is more

this is more than just your average heartbreak.


i ****** you over,
my darling.

when did this happen...
?

                        when i wasn't looking?



i turned away from you,
focusing on my own life

           trying so hard to fix what we both know has always been broken


                                         neglecting
you\


in the process



                          oh honey

oh,
puppy.


you are so strong
and you will hold on

you will make it out of this


because i made it out of my whole life.

i somehow survived.

i slit my wrist for the first time
when i was 12

still just a kid.

i smoked *** for the first time
when i was 13.

still just a confused little kid.

i let someone put their **** in me for the first time
when i was 13

still just a ****** up confused little kid

tried to **** myself for the first time
when i was 13

still just a ****** up confused angry little kid


if i could survive that

you will survive
this.

your strength

it emanates from your gorgeous hands.
and pulses through your veins.

your eyes
were big blue water pools

last night.


i was so happy-
                         ****** up-
                                      weak-
                         strong -
                                confused-
                                        empty-
                                                         cold-
                                                                            shaking-
                                                                                                       wanting

wanting to kiss you
happy to fix you

****** up in my own head
weak alone in my bed

strong here without you
confused about what to do

empty
because you're not here

cold
because you're not here.

shaking from this panic attack
wanting
to put that gun in my mouth

and pull the trigger





bang.

listen up, *******.

The last time I saw you,
a year ago,
I was weak.

The sight of you
made me sick to my stomach.

Terrified of who you made me,
into some pathetic girl
that needed someone

that needed to

be loved by someone
anyone.

Terrified that I would become who you wanted me to be:

The girl that would rather let someone tear her soul apart
than be alone




But I am not that girl.

**** no,

I'm not.

Things have changed since you saw me last, *******.

I am too gorgeous
and too strong
too independent
too energized
too spiritual
too funny
*too loved

to let you mess with my head
or my heart
again.

naked after a shower


i sit, my knee
pulled my chest


my chin resting there

then, my lips kiss the little mountain peak i have created

brushing against
my soft skin

i reach up, feel the back of my neck

fragile in my fingertips

                      with my other hand
                 i touch the dark red curls

in between my warm legs, covered in soft blonde hair


i am so in love with my body

and my own yogurt
                                scent

I'm coming down from my high
I spent all day getting
                         drunk off of
my own loneliness

            so I sit here

sobering up   ,
                               eyes blurred
                                             vision

people pass me
            
                     I pull up my
socks
               straighten my skirt

and avert my gaze

careful not to make eye contact

lest someone see

                       how ****** up
         gorgeous I am.