i cried so hard i thought my heart would fall out of my chest in a bleeding beating lump of an ***** onto the ground. my tears watering the ground and my voice screeching
screaming for you to hold me and kiss me again. it feels like the pain has become me. it has transcended being just pain, it has become a tangible thing that i could extract and put into something else, but i can't find a container big enough or the right shape so it pours and pours and pours and pours out onto the floor and into this poem and into my old scars and i can't hold it and i can't hold it in
so it pours and it pours and i cry, i cry for you, and i miss your lovely touch and the kindness that you put into me and taught me how to be me. i hope you never regret anything because i'll never regret it. this poem isn't for me anymore. this poem is for you. i'm weak, remember? if this is hard for you, it's excruciating for me. repeat. i can't hold it in. you feel me. you felt who i was. you know me inside and out. you've touched and seen every corner of my body, you've explored the depths of my soul. even the parts that are harder to look at, you've seen them. you've looked at them and told me that they are beautiful. that word feels alien to me. beautiful doesn't exist anymore. beautiful was meeting your grandmother. beautiful was how i felt when we sat on that couch drinking coffee and tea and talking and watching people and listening to music that made me feel things. i wish i knew how to have everything i want. i wish i knew how to make me love you. if i knew how, this wouldn't be happening. and i could be everything for you, just like you always wanted. but i don't know how. but you should know that you taught me how to be me. you should know that i have never felt more beautiful than when i was crying on your couch the day we really said our goodbyes. and i want you to know that when you held me, i was so sorry for all of the hurt i had poured into you. i never meant to do that. i meant to just pour it out onto the floor, to keep my beating bleeding heart company.

i was feeling empty, lost
without you.

on days when you were far away or busy
i didn't know what to do with my free time.

i would sit and feel strange.
i would miss you;
not used to alone-ness.
never wanting to get used to alone-ness.
I was afraid of free time.
I was afraid of silence.
I was afraid of myself and the thoughts that sit in my own head.

I wanted someone to take care of me

these past few days though,

i've been finding things to occupy my time.
yes, i cry a lot.

but
last night i played music.
and i danced alone, in my room.
like i did when i was a kid.

and today, i got some work done.
i'm eating right.
i'm reading a book that i never had time for before.
i'm playing music again.

i'm taking care of myself.

and now i'm writing some poetry.

yes, i cry a lot.
yes, i miss you.


but i'm starting to be okay.
i'm learning.



i'm starting to learn who i am,
what i like to do.

i'm figuring it out.



and i'm realizing that i'm not just surviving anymore.
i'm living

and i am so glad that i'm giving myself that chance

my mom said
that this is like someone dying.

and she's right.
because i loved you and cared for you
and i used to spend time with you

and now i can't.
because you're gone.

but the difference between this and death


is that i could make all of this pain go away

in the blink of an eye

i could make this come back alive.

i could pull you close
and whisper that i'm sorry

but it wouldn't solve anything

like a needle filled with lustlovedrugs
i could inject you into me

but it would wear off
and i would be left filled with regret

i could never use you like that.






that would be the worst thing i could do to you.
you'll find someone better for you than i was


i just wish i was that person
and i wish i knew what the **** i'm doing
when i'm not crying

because i miss you.

i miss you so much.
i miss your hands
the hands i used to write poetry about

before i started feeling empty again.


and now i feel alive, but it hurts so bad.


and i want to be near you
and smell your scent
and rub my face against your chest

and feel the skin on your back
against the palms of my hands


and your lips against mine


and that's why i don't want you to read this.

because it means that i'm wrong
and scared
and weak.


but if you read this
you would look at me and tell me that i'm beautiful and strong



and i would just keep being angry at myself.




i just want to stop missing you.
please don't read this.



i miss you.

i want to call you

you're less than a minute away.

i want to tell you that i'm sorry that i can't hold it together

i cry whenever i think of you at all.

i want to cut myself

it's a stupid temporary solution

i want you to hold me

tell me that i'm not a ****** up person

i want you to tell me that everyone feels this way sometimes

come on baby, lie to me


don't tell me that "now's not a good time to talk"

don't tell me that i'll get through this

don't look me in the eyes

because i can't handle you
and all of your strength

when i am weak and on my knees

read some bukowksi today.
he's an amazing poet.
He really is.
but he's a ****** up old man.

and i'm so terrified of turning into him.

i'm so scared of turning into a mean old pervert
that never falls in love.
instead,

just ******* people until their soul falls out

because they think that they've fallen for someone talented and deep


but bukowski

his poems used to make me chuckle.


not anymore.
now,
i read his poems of
******* to little girls
and killing the people across the street
and being alone in a room full of people
and wanting to get so ****** up that the walls become the floor


and i can relate

yesterday i took a long drive
and i drove
looking for a place

that i had never been.

because all of my favorite places are now tainted,
tainted.

with memories.

i needed a new place
where i could create new memories
of peacefulness
and content happy feelings.


because the beach down the road from my house reminds me of the day i went skinny dipping
and the coffee shop down the street reminds me of just a few days ago
where i called you on the phone,
and tears made my tea salty.

and i didn't want to go to a store or something
because you can't sit peacefully and relax in a store.

it took a while


but i followed my heart.
i took a left on rice street.
i passed the beach.

drove all the way into St. Paul

I passed the Cathedral.
i thought about going in, but my soul just wasn't feeling it.
So i kept driving.

and all of a sudden, i decided to pull over

and i sat in my car.
and i cried
and i wrote you a sad song (that you will probably never hear)

and then i got out.

embracing the cold.
and i walked into a place

that didn't remind me of anyone.

i sat there
and i drew on my arms.
and i wrote poetry.
and when it was closing time, i helped a girl there move the furniture so she could vacuum.

and i felt alive.
creating a new memory

that hasn't been and will never be

tainted