blood drips drips drips into the sink

flows between my fingers


my forehead
throbbing

dripping sweat

hair plastered to my cheeks
and eyelids



then, in a streak of insanity

i settle deep into the floor
and pull the shower curtains off the rod,
over my head



falling deep
into the floor
past the tiles

past the pipes
past the old couple living in the apartment below mine

and they hold each other
and i watch


as he tries to put it in her

he can't.

they're both too squishy
and wrinkly

and tired

(he collapses on top,
rolls off of her

her ****
sagging towards her arms
******* with a diameter of my balled up fists
she sighs at him and gives a yellow toothed smile)




i want to feel something hard
and slippery
against my skin

i want to get ****** up

                                           i'll never forget
                                 that blood stained towel
                                      we placed under my hips

                                           to stop the blood
                                                           ­                    from staining the bedsheets.


                                              just like the one

balled up under my head
on the bathroom floor



eyes closed

you didn't have to try so hard

to convince me
that you loved me.



your poems were enough



your eyes were enough.

I tried

to smile today and
my bottom lip split

i wanted you to know
that the other day,

i went ice skating           in St. Paul.                      

in the middle of the city.

                                             (there was an old man that looked like Santa doing beautiful graceful twirls,
                                                         two teenage girls holding hands, one was blushing
                                                                         lots of little kids falling down, and laughing as they got back up)

and i thought "you would have loved this."

you would hold my hand
like all the other couples
and i wouldn't be cold

                                                           ­     at all



you would have looked right through me
with your jaded eyes
and smiled beautifully




(i would know that it was me making you happy)

your hair growing back
and your lips all mine to kiss


and i wouldn't miss you so much.

with my heart

        and my ukulele
on my sleeve

            i beg of you
just finish me off.

                  just fill my
lungs with black tar
                  and muck

cancer i welcome you


i'm sick of these scars
         i draw on my skin
                          with safety pins
and swords

                     i may as well
        just cut off my limbs

        hang myself from the chandelier
bury myself in the snow in my yard


                                                                    Don't come
                                                                               looking
                                                                    for me

Four weeks later
I'm still sad about it.

     listening to songs
                                   I wish you had
                            played for me



remembering
                           the day we walked through
                           a snow fallen    
                                           forest

beautiful, more than anything.
                    I couldn't believe it

and we walked for a long time,
                     just in silence

and we were scared to hold each
                                             other's hands

(maybe it was just me that was afraid)

                    When we walked back to my
                                      room

                  an­d you fell asleep in my arms

                                     I kissed your forehead
                               and felt a world of



                                              everything
­                                                         in my heart


Just like you said I would
when you dared me to fall in
love with you.
                         And then
                                    I did


When you awoke,
                                  we
undressed each other
                                    slowly

while deep lip kisses

               burned into my brain



I fell for you.  That's the
              hardest thing in the world
to admit
                   because everyone said I
would fall for you


but I wanted to prove them
                                          *wrong

you can't sleep without me
you can't breathe without me
you smoke a pack a day without me
you have nightmares without me
you can't feel anything without me
you can't eat without me
you can't focus on anything without me

But as soon as you have me

you realize

you're better off




without me.