stop liking me

stop enjoying my company

stop thinking that my hair is pretty

stop telling me that I'm special

stop it
                 right
                           there.

stop looking at my lips

stop laughing at my jokes

stop missing me

stop calling every night

stop being so **** nice.

        *I'm not worth

           the inevitable pain

               that i will cause you.

It's My Specialty.




get in line
i'll break your heart

i'll make you think you're the best thing to ever happen to me

and then i'll cut you open-
leave you colder

than you were before
you met me.

i'm so good at making mistakes


i'm so good at hurting people

so, get in line
for just two months of your time

i'll break you to pieces

you were alone.

you needed someone

i was available (maybe too available)

you thought you loved me.

and then you realized you didn't.

and you didn't want to hurt me.

so you carried on

pretending


because it was easier.




It's okay.






                  **I probably would have done the same thing

if i thought they were dumb before,


now (after the geologist broke my heart)


i think they're

lethargic,
obtuse,
pointless,
inane,
futile

(boring as ******* hell).



i will now stay away from men in climbing boots.


so, thank you.

that's how you convinced me to jump in the sack with you.



those three words.


"it's not just *******"

it's pure uncensored emotion


what emotion?


which one?


because it certainly wasn't love
- you never loved me, ever.


it definitely wasn't happiness
-you never made me happy


for sure wasn't excitement
-you never got excited about anything important




so what was it?


anger?
******* me to get revenge
who?

Your mother?

Your ex?




yourself?





maybe it was
heartbreak

******* me
to feel numb
so it doesn't hurt as bad








                                                                  maybe it was boredom.



                                  Yep,





                                                                i think that was it

This coffee (my second cup today)
gives me the shakes
and tastes like cold syrupy mud
I swallow it down
past my gag reflexes

out of nervousness

Sitting alone
in a coffee shop


with no one to talk to

trying to convince
myself
that



that's okay






so far, it's really not working.

isn't it silly


that i buy cigarettes

and smoke them
hoping to calm myself

(hoping to
forget about the
****
you put me through)



and realize that
I would rather
get hit


by a moving van

than to inhale

this

nasty

****.


I stomp it out

with
no regrets