tall and soft,
strong and low
exciting and down to earth
quiet and thoughtful
kind and sweet

shy
but
so very

honest

and

smells like
lying in the grass

my first boyfriend, Jimmy Brennen
whose sweatshirt always smelled of cheetos
and Axe

or the man who sat on the waterrushed rocks
and kissed me,
tongue tasting of
lake water


or when i held a girl's (Debbie's)
breast
cupped in my hand for the first time,
pressed closely together in secret
how wonderfully soft and warm


but
this person

doesn't even have to

touch me

and i smile from

ear to ear
just looking at

his

hands
.

I'm done



with love.

with you
and
you

and you



and especially
you.


I don't need ***
i don't want
skin

i tear it all
away



and start over



but

please know

that i'm sorry
that i hurt you


but from the start,
i told you

that the boys fall in love with me

and i never love them back.

Now that we've decided to
Start Over

I want you to know
that i don't want
anything
to be how it was last time



please, please please

just let me breathe you in
and don't say anything
when i pull away from your kisses

don't make fun of the tears
that you (will) make fall from my cheeks

boy boy boy.
just teach me piano
and hold my hands
(yes, both of them)
please don't

hurt me
this
time


just boy
boy, good boy

try to hear me
I'm trying to explain

if I leave again
i won't expect you to chase after me

but boy,
silly boy
do it anyway.

just look in my eyes,
good boy good boy

you'll know
that the love i've got in my heart for you

never
left

there isnt a **** thing i can tell you
that i haven't said over and over

honey, go ahead.
ask me the same questions
why did it fail
where did it stop working
when did i stop loving you



but at this point, it's just masochistic

i used to slide razors across my skin
and watch the blood run
down my fingertips


i used to steal things from drug stores
and laugh at retards


I used to pull my cat by the tail
until she ran away
and i got so heartsick
i cried on the front stoop
calling her name, begging her to come back.



i used to hate children
and i made money babysitting.

set the kids in front of the TV
and raid the kitchen.
I'm serious. I used to do that.


I used to be proud
when i told people i was an atheist
and

i hated God

and I used to think


He hated me


too.

you smell the same way i always remembered you


like a sweet musk musty with sweat and heartache
every crinkle on your face
every single pore

was almost forgotten


but honey,
i will keep your lips from getting chapped ever again

just wait wait wait.
wait just a little longer

i know it's hard

but when we wrap ourselves in each other

and the skin of my hands
is your skin on your face
and the freckles on my knees
are your freckles on your shoulders

and the light that shines in my eyes is a greyblueblack

happiness
will evade us
we won't apologize to anyone

for the grains of sand under our fingernails

i will sigh every winter
deep, just like you

and we will breathe the same air

like we share the same lungs
same heart
same eyes
same face


same hands

Yeah sweetheart
         I say I trust you

You make sure that I feel safe

But you ugly heart
                 why do you do
               these things

You pant and squeeze and lick
                                selfishly


And you say you're satisfied with
                             just sitting in my presence

how many times have you told me
                     that you're a liar

        your words are sweet
           they comfort, make me smile
                                   and lean against you

but your actions

                           are telling me to run
       as fast as I can

                          in the other direction

because hurting me
                                        is in your agenda.