Yeah sweetheart
         I say I trust you

You make sure that I feel safe

But you ugly heart
                 why do you do
               these things

You pant and squeeze and lick
                                selfishly


And you say you're satisfied with
                             just sitting in my presence

how many times have you told me
                     that you're a liar

        your words are sweet
           they comfort, make me smile
                                   and lean against you

but your actions

                           are telling me to run
       as fast as I can

                          in the other direction

because hurting me
                                        is in your agenda.

there was one night
i remember particularly


when the candles were lit

on the bedside table
and in my soul


i was on fire

for you


there were hours of
my lips against yours



hot warmth of your back
warming my palms

I couldn't believe that
your body
was inside
of my body.

we were one person.

the skin and the smell
of your sweat

a constant reminder of our nakedness
wow


breathtaking
wetness
of everything


peeking at
our *******
we both looked down
you pulled out
wet from me

wet like everything we knew

like the lake that we swam naked in
or the river
where i first thought

"love"

is what this is.


we looked down
and the hair
sticking to my legs
from the delicious sweet muskiness

shimmering

the sweat on my body was not yours
it was not mine

it was Ours

for hours

deli meats and cheeses
i look past them at soft crinkling smiling faces


and i drink my java
warms up my hands and ******* and i sweat
in my coat


walking up and down the isles

I see trail mix
and sunchips

and sweet sweet sweets
the yummies

that i adore

chocolates
especially

dark chocolate cocoa orange cherry strawberry berry red brown

it's the sweetness and saltiness
of summer time ice cream

It's the cold crispness
of carrots and snap peas

It's the warmth and comfort
of big muffins and a plate of hashbrowns
at Perkin's
after a stressful morning



spice smells
of pad tai noodles


sourdough bread, fresh baked
crunch crunch on the outside
soft hot squish
inside
(save that part for me, i eat them separate
-you laugh)

how many times did we
laugh
about how you ate that bug
and we were never picky



cherries
all those cherries.





we ate nutella
on bread,

washed it down with cold organic orange juice
from a cafe neither of us had ever heard of

and tofu
tofu tofu

always cooked perfectly (we wondered how they do it)
(i still don't know)

chocolate, melting slowly

"you missed some."

-------just an excuse to kiss me.
i giggle


peanut m&m;'s

turn my tongue colors.

Watermelon at a potluck
wedding cake
cheesy potatoes
and an extra helping of bread
(we laughed so hard at the white bread, squished into a cube)

ruby red
made you wince

I drink it straight from the bottle
and smile

remembering every kiss
that tasted of grapefruit
in that tent

every kiss that tasted of salt
from the eggs?
or from the sweat on your lips

the sweat on your lips.

we kiss more
i smile into your lips
i remember that, especially

we never got sick of each other
nutella on everything, now.
especially on s'mores


i smile with every memory




i put my hands in pockets, the cold rushes to meet my face
in the ice cream aisle

i cool down as i graze
through the tubs or corn syrup and double churned triple churned
cream with extra fudge

sherbet

i chuckle to myself


memories memories
of sitting up high
with you,

sand on our toes
chocolate caramel fudge coffee
on our tongues

love

in our hearts


you remember.

the taste of that summer

it's so stupid/dumb/ridiculous
that i persist
in the creation of

**** songs like this
but here i go again.

i have to scream and cry
because emotions
let me know i'm alive

but tell me boy
when i smile
do you know it's because

i'm thinking of times

when i was with you, boy

but now


things are different
things haven't been making sense
things aren't right
since you left

I've been standing outside
this ****** house


for a few weeks now.
Snow is killing the flowers
that you planted for me


The weather is cold

like needles on my fingers

The frostbite will soon arrive


and maybe
when my fingers turn black

maybe when the pain
breaks me
maybe then

I will appreciate being warm.

The perfect first kiss
we were nervous
         and I felt beautiful
and you had this look in your eyes
I had never seen in anyone
                                          else's.
You felt so warm, close to me
           And I felt beautiful

It was years of holding your hands
the air grew chilled
       around us.

The sky was a painting
               worth more than
a hundred diamond rings

And our hands were touching
            did you touch my face first?
Or did I touch your face?
            
we were both so nervous
drums beating, our breathing
was
soft and warm
                           The night wrapped
                              around us

You knew
                  everything about me
                                                 at that
    
                                                          moment

I saw a girl, 23 year old
wearing a white coat, white scarf
with a very white face and
                  white blonde hair

and her cheeks were wet

I know how that feels


I sometimes wish that I could
fade into the snow
         and disappear

                                   too.