rewriting my life
                now that you're
not in it
  mostly my evenings are
        spent weeping quietly
So no one worries
           or asks questions
that I can't answer.

My days are spent replacing
your presence
              with the comfort
of other people and I find
myself
          weeping softly again
    to them all,
                at all times
When I see acorns
             When I drive alone
on certain roads (especially in Eagan, MN)

                  Whenever I hear
                      the word "home"

                                          -everytime.

Get out of here
take your sweet hair
                 deep voice
                 stupid eyes
get out of this bed
                 it's only mine now
I'm sickened by my thoughts
are racing much faster than
this poem
I'm mad
and I'm missing you
I'm crying
I'm wishing you would call
I'm daydreaming of self
                                        mutilation

just to distract myself

        I haven't felt this
good
        Since I was 13

I'm glad you're moving on
I hope you find someone perfect for you,
more perfect than I could have ever been
Maybe you'll marry her
and you'll have beautiful little
baby girls together and you'll
pick them up and carry
them on your shoulders to the
park and kiss their heads
and tuck them in and
kiss your wife good night
and fall asleep

      and you won't think of me
anymore.

I keep picturing her
leaning into your chest
the exact same way i used to,
and breathing you in

making you happy
loving you more than
           I have been
                    lately

And I can't.
          ...****
I can't ask you
             to wait for me

But I want you to.
       I can't be with you
tonight
            tomorrow
or next week
so tell me what your plan is.
        tell me, darling
so I don't have
to ask you

Tell me your plan

Make me miserable
sit on your hard
chairs and wish
I was there to
make you feel

          or fight me

for me

fight me to be
with me
           this time
I want to lose
because I can't lose
you
        
  
  

         again

Give me ultimatums
     shake me

until I think straight

or at least slap me
so I don't have

to cry about my heart
hurting

Just get mad at
me
        Tell me you're moving
on and we both
know how scared I
will get

  

        Give me Everything
You have Ever felt

                     at once

i think i'm healing.

I  hope that is okay with him.

I hope he doesn't think of me and

cry

at the threads of thought

whisper
"she's moving



on"




and I hope he knows


that i could never
have known


what i needed

if he hadn't explained it


through talks of change
and change and change

i was scared


but i'm moving



on


slowly, i am moving
away

from what i used to



Be.

I sit at this desk
silent room
                    12:25 a.m
the world; asleep-ing

And I stare and pray
that you call me
I need you to call me
call me call me call
me please
           As I write the
words, I hope you hear
them, the pen scratching
like an alarm that
wakes you from your
hot sweaty slumber

It's so *******
anger-making, frustrating
that I can't call you
it's like some sick
game we play

And right now we
are both losing
I could call

But then I would win

And I can't bear

to make you the

loser


        tonight

I have to stop this, now

too many poems

like in Stardust Memories

I am just a sad person
                    writing about sad


things

                and calling it art



and no one really feels
       what I'm feeling


because it is not.
art.


It's just my tears
blurring the words on
        the page