this large empty bed seems like
a c r e s wide     without you here in it.
I want to hear you laugh
and taste cream cheese wontons
on your tongue.
and when we wake up, you will smell musty and sour
like our tent of *******
always smelled

         I want to hear the funny nose whistle you make
I need to clutch at your
chest and gasp

                                              beg you
                                                   for release



but for now i will lay
naked, alone
in my football field nest of pillows

and dream, sleeplessly
of your sweaty brow

these three words have
been repeated to human being
to human being in a billion and fifty
different languages and dialects but
never
never
never have they meant
what you make happen inside
of me. It radiates from
your smile

and kicks me in the chest.
your palms sweat with the
scent of it
your tears
                  taste like love



i can taste the love in your
tears.

it makes me feel like
a new person. newly
whole.

And when the sweating, crying, smiling
has ended,

you'll still be right here.

I trust you now. I was
so scared
of moving at the speed of
light

but the      moon
                  sun
                  stars
                               have never been
                               as bright as I
                               am
                                       when I'm  
                                       with you.

**** up
***** up
make up
make up stories
make up lies
lie down
lie with you
you're still mad
i can tell

i have rugburn
on my face
and on my heart
from you

dragging me around
this old
               putrid
house

last night
we were both half expecting something


and it never happened
maybe we were both tired from the fifteensixteen seventeen *******



we just laid on top of the covers
of my bed
six inches away from each other
my eyes pacing pages of my book

and you solving a rubik's cube,
the creaking of it making me smile.



and i listened to your soft nose breathing
raised my eyes toward my ceiling
clenched my toes
and thanked god
silently

that you found me

i never want you to know
how needy i am
                             (you will run away,
                                                   with your superfastsneakers)

But I wonder
                   if being needy
is the one thing that makes
me human. In that case,
I want you to know that I need you all the
time. And when I PUSH
you away, pull me right
back in. It's just a test.

There will be times when
I seem mad. I am.
Kiss my nose and my
cheeks. Don't let me
stay mad. Let me cry
into your button-up shirt
until it's stained
with my make-up.

I will always need you.

the white of this padded room
suffocates everything
'till it's blue.

i will drive for miles
and still feel trapped
inside.

the speed limit here is only fifty five.
and all i want to do
is crash off the road.

i pass by hotel beds
and still feel like you are dead.

i will cry.
yeah, i will cry for you
my biggest question isn't
do you love me

it's always been
will you stay?

well
yesterday


you wiped my slate clean
i was reborn.
baptized


in a lake of sweat and happiness and tears.
mostly
your tears.

my ducts have been dry for days,
for days
days.
i had forgotten how to cry.
i turned myself off from feelings

to save myself from the pain of losing him.
but i still feel it.
little pangs, here and there.

and i hope you understand, because i can't help it.
i can't remember the last time i felt something other than content

when did i last feel pain?
mourning
grieving is hard work
and i'm too lazy to be sad about
anything, really.

i want something to tear my lips off
and pluck out my eyelashes

or run over my kneecaps with a truck

so i can feel connected to my own pain.


like i used to be
when i was 13
and suicidal

but at least i was human