I write to remember
I write to hear the rain fall over and over in my head

I am writing to hear his voice softly in my ear,
feel his lips and breath next to my face

I have written to cry
i write to make others cry
because that’s how I know they feel something

that’s how I know the difference between us
and them

I write to remember the mud under in between over up top of my toes
And the glorious cold sweetness of it
How I remember it musty and home-like

And I write to remember her eyelashes
And her crinkly smile

I always write to make myself feel something
And to make others feel me
Feel my soul
Reaching out like
I reached out to him
After I drove away

I write to remember
The people I have lost

And I hope that when people read what I have written
They will change their minds about killing themselves
Because it will remind them
That life is beautiful

So right now I’m confused
Reading Howl is a lot
of work
   But I’ve heard
that it’s worth it.
But I’m distracted
by the stubble on my legs
and my sharp toenail digging against the
inside of my fetid weakened shoe
and how my mouth tastes
like sour milk


I should have
brushed my teeth.
I’m distracted by the macabre yellows and
emerald greens swimming in my head
I’m being thrown off by the ads
and the sadness
and the media
that is inescapable.
by the *** and the commercials and the products and the stores
so inhuman
like I used to be
before I learned how to breathe.
I’m vomiting.
I want to crash through the ceiling of the people living their
maddening
bitter lives in the apartment below mine
and I feel light in my head
like it might float away,
filled with air.

But my legs are so heavy

Like anchors
just begging to break

through the table that I’m
sitting on


And now I’m thinking
about death.
how did Ulysses S. Grant
feel about death?

It makes me wonder
I hate wondering about things
because I never come to the right conclusion
I can never figure it out
how does death work?

does it hurt?
is there
a period of time where you
know that in a few
moments, you will cease to
exist.?- - - (except to those that
find your body, naked and wet
on your roof top)
How did you get
up there?
I floated
you can’t float
Yes I can.

There’s this beautiful girl at my school
And she smokes a pack a week

And she’s pregnant


She’s got beautiful eyes and that’s all I can see
Her baby will have beautiful eyes too.

And she moans out loud in the lunchroom, “man, I’m going to be so fat in a few months.”


And I swear to god that whenever I see her,
I want to lift up her shirt
and press my cheek against the life beating inside her
and hope that it soaks into my pores
So I can feel something as real as that.

But when I have a baby girl someday
I will love her
Like I love the taste of a grapefruit on hot summer days
I will love her like every ****** I have ever had
I will love her like every prayer I have ever whispered in my car
I will love her like how I miss my dad sometimes

And my baby girl will know that I love her because when I put her on one of those horses on the carousel, I will kiss her hand every time she comes back around to me
and I’ll miss her every second she’s away

And I’m going to teach her so much more than her daddy ever could.



My baby girl’s gonna learn that everybody’s going to die someday
So she should try to meet everyone as soon as possible.

And I’m gonna make sure she never has *** with a person she doesn’t love
But I’m gonna make sure she falls in love every day.


I’ll teach my baby girl to love the way I’ll love her
and then

I’ll love her more every day
until I die or
until I forget whose hands are attached to my wrists.
But I'm sure I’ll remember
when she holds them.

I’m so troubled

The way he kisses me is the same way you used to
And I don’t know

If I like it or not.

I used to run my fingers through the hair on your head
And it made me so happy
Because I think maybe I helped it grow

Maybe it was my love injected into your forehead
everytime I kissed you that made it so dark and thick

or maybe I was watering the roots of your hair with my tears and sweat and saliva when we made love

or everytime you kissed my pantylips
my lemon-and-dirt smell made it a whole inch longer

and when we held hands
it grew down to your knees

which is just where I like it.
So I can run up behind you and pull on it and spin you around to face me



But we’d cut it all off with a beautiful pair of scissors
So I could see your eyes

i'm gonna my life in happiness
i'll live with no regrets
and when they put me in the ground


let me be remembered as the one that never
fell in with the crowd.

let my friends say to my sister at my funeral

she was always a little different
but in a good way

dear lord
if i ever spray tan my ******,
let you strike me down with lightning

Don’t ever let me go on a diet
for anyone else but me


and if there is ever a moment
when you see me from your pillows
and i am allowing myself
to hurt others,
hurt me.

hurt me until i suffer.
hurt me so i feel the pain that i have spread
and i will learn.

and if there is a day
when i don't enjoy learning
or a day that i don't make someone smile
or a day that i don't ask a question
do not be afraid to take me off this earth.

because on that day
i will be worth
nothing

dreams of dying

then what happens?

mine will go to the darkness, like hers did
and she will weep giant waterdropletsonmyface,
and i will drink them until my stomach is full of sadness

she will always be reaching for that small moment of peace

and i will always be searching for someone to love me

she has no heart, no *******,
no legs no belly no heat

now you are here

your clothes are vacant
i want to wear them for you
let's be together

climb into each other's shirts and skirts and socks until
we can't move anymore

and we'll lay over each other
resting and reading sleeping warmly
and you will never be tristful, here with me

and your lips will taste like sweet coffee
all the time

how nectarous