I have never touched you.
I have wildly laughed, bent
at the waist, hair
hanging - shaking laughter.

You have seen my garden,
we have circled it. Bare patches of dirt held up by crooked wood planks, they were here when i moved in, i just put up the chicken wire.
I told you what I wanted to grow in my soil.
I told you about my truce with the weeds - creeping charlie that
grows beautiful tiny purple flowers and heals your stinging nettle if you yank up the small round leaves and rub them on your skin, turning it green, but
also choke out my radishes.

I have seen you sweat -
on a bicycle on a hot
day - you look at
me - exasperated.
   And joyous.
Under your helmet, beads
of moisture gently sliding down your hairline.
You are gorgeous. And you
may or may not know it-
But when you smile at me,
my heart smiles back.

You feel like forgiveness.
You feel like inner peace and hope.

Your gentle quiet vulnerability
   has me weeping

                relief
                 joy
                 grief for my past
                                     selves.
A deeper understanding of
myself and of love and connection.

A spiritual journey, - is all
life is.

The sun softly arrives on my skin.
A welcome visitor - I have
      learned gratitude.
I have learned gratitude for
                    you.

These fast months, since the
  fireworks in Manzanillo -

They rush with no hope
of slowing down.

Until the planet decided it
was time to change
our pace.
The time is now, as it
always is.
No choice but to be present,
because in a few days
it might be demons
                and flames.

The future wants you
       to worry and
have concern -

But only Mother Earth, the
Goddess of the Universe -
Only She has control.

Do you choose love, do
you choose fear?

Do you squash the bug
that flies and lands
on your knuckle?

Do you listen for sirens,
or do you listen for
                         hope?

Who do you pray to,
     and why?

Is there a difference between
feeling connected to others
         and feeling alive?

How long does the pain
of grief last?

Will you embrace what the
      Goddess has given you?

My hair and your hair
     in the sun
appearing to set the world ablaze
               like my heart feels now
like a sinking stone in a clear blue rushing cold river
like bruises on both my knees
like breathlessness, 150 feet suspended in the air
             lowered slowly by your gorgeous hands
breathless
like waking up tied around your hot skin
like hot tears in my morning coffee.

like writing poetry to send messages to you via universe vibes mail

How to tell you i miss you
how to express that my soul has melted
or disintegrated

As if Chernobyl occurred in Northeast Minneapolis

Killing us both -
I'm simply waiting. When
will the green luscious vines and plants, butterflies
and birds repopulate this barren space -

filled with the worst kind of poison

Not for another thousand years
Or at least
not until
Spring
Summer
Fall

My eyes remember you
   differently than my skin does

I can see you
getting into your little white car
and driving away

blurry

        you didn't look back


I can feel the warmth of your skin
   under thick blankets
your softness was delicious

I can see you sitting at my kitchen table
speaking to my mother, but peeking at me
over raspberry tea
           cheeks pink, watery eyes
    Getting ready to leave
you are always leaving.

I can feel the soft strands
of your hair, my fingers wrapped
       around the nape of your
       neck, smoothing it down,
pulling gently.

I can see you looking at me,
staring at me, exasperated,
frustrated. Your mouth says
I can't do this
but your eyes say
I can't leave you, either


       I can picture you
at your warm and loving home


surrounded by the family I
never quite fit into

I can see you
holding on to your beautiful mother
then,
driving around our town
to look at pretty lights
maybe with your brothers,
maybe with someone new


Months later,
a whole year later ( only one day later) (after a whole lifetime has passed)


when I allow myself to close my eyes for a moment

I can feel your body holding mine

my feet tucked underneath me
my face pressed against your chest,
heart beating against my eardrum
your chin resting on my head

       I can feel your love
       emanating - shining
into me


                                    on this day
                I am grateful to have
                ever touched you


    I am grateful that I
            ever laid eyes on you.

You were the ocean
infinite in some ways
mysterious and dark, impossible to reach the bottom

Powerful, pushing me and shifting my weight from standing to floating

You were the ocean
large, expansive
But so soft, a carrying presence
I knew you would never set me down

That fateful day
I was standing on the shore, picking tiny shells out of the sand to give to you, lifting my skirt so as not to get it wet

I saw the wave growing in the distance, but I didn’t think to move
As it grew closer, I did not panic.
10 feet, 20 feet, 30 feet tall. A wall
and when your freezing cold wave crashed over me
I still didn’t think to move

You could never hurt me.

Under your abyss, I could see my red hair turn to kelp
Thirty feet long, rooted in the ground

I begged you to release me, swallowing salty seawater
But you held fast

You were so beautiful
you could never do a thing like this

I always thought you would be the ocean under my boat
The wind in my sails
The love in my heart


But I drowned that day


I am still trying to determine
If I will ever grow gills

The pain of not knowing
this gnawing feeling
cramps in my sides
squeezing my blood dry
this bed is always too hot
or too cold
wake up freezing or sweating,
always thinking of you

spirals downward
into the hopelessness district
where souls crawl, missing
their other half
leaves fall, trees naked and bare
crawling to the sky like vericose veins
         and I
                       won't
                                      call


because knowing would be worse
knowing that you are gone

and never
             ever
                    coming back to me