Ashamed
about everything that is anything about me.
From my head to my toes,
I find myself disgusting.
Ashamed
about the way I can never seem
to find myself pretty
because I'm not.
Ashamed
to know that
I'll never be as good
as I could be
because I'm not as pretty
as I'd like to be.
Ashamed
to look in the mirror
and see an image of self hatred
staring back at me.
Ashamed
about the way
my thighs are too fat
and my chest
is too flat
and my **** is too big
and I just can't seem to
lose those last five pounds
that are driving me insane.
Ashamed
about the way
I'll skip meals and
then feel sick but won't
say anything
because beauty hurts
and to be sick is to be thin.
Ashamed
about the way
I can't seem to stay
happy, even though I keep
telling myself I should be.
Ashamed
about the way
I can't stop smoking
and I can't stop cutting
all because I like
how it takes the
pain away.
Ashamed
about the way
every time I see a razor blade
I get this rush of anxiety
that I can't shake until
I give into the pain
Ashamed
about they way
I can't seem to kick this
Nicotine addiction so
I can stop shaking.
Ashamed
about the way
every time I climb
higher up the ladder
I fall twice as fast
and even farther down
into places the sun just
doesn't reach.
Ashamed
about the way
people love me
and I just can't seem
to do the same

for myself.