you killed it.
okay,-
maybe it was me.
possibly killed it with my jealousy.
or maybe with my own incompetency.
or with my ignorance.
or just plain mania, you see.
i guess i can't say you killed what used to be.
its my fallacy.
forgive me please,
this place no longer renders-
the heart of my vile poetry.

Feeling like a waste of human life
seems to be disgustingly more and more
familiar to me each day.
With every breath I take,
I can’t help but to feel it is misplaced.

I feel like drowning,-
just compiling all this hate,
all my fears, my repressed anger,
my feelings of loss, and self loathing,
and taking them-
and letting em' eat away at my pores-  
letting em' impregnate my lungs-
as I wither,
until nothing more but a hollow shell remains.

I feel like setting fire to this face.
Taking that cheap molten metal,
and instead of to my wrist,
applying it to my brain;
letting it simmer and burn until there is no more pain.
I choose to wallow, dwell, and hold onto this rage
for reasons we call,
"insane".

I constantly, consistently,
no matter the consequence,
or the grief I may bring,
sabotage anything I could possibly EVER have going for me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I feel like I am screaming.
Like every fight we ever had,
I was blatantly clear of what it is I fear,
but I am wrong,
I didn’t tell you once what was REALLY going on.

Not once did I say I just feel useless today.
I miss my brother and his familiar face.
I think about him with every heart beat,
living in a tent, fighting this war of greed,
just counting down until he can finally be-
returned home to his loving new family.
I hold him very close to my heart,
and his absence is quite frankly,
TEARING me apart.

I wish He could have been here for our Father in his time of need.
I know Dad wishes that too.
I wish I knew how to deal with loss better.
I only feel guilt, and bitterness.
I feel like in the years I have been alive,
that I should have DONE MORE!
I should have gotten to know my grandfather before-
it was too late.
What a selfish, putrid being
I have grown to be.

I wish my brother could see
our beautiful Mother finally
get the wedding she always dreamed.
Instead….
He will only see pictures.
He will only be with us in our hearts,
and on paper,
and on Anthony’s tux.
I hope Momma takes it well.
It will be an ever bittersweet memory.
What irony.

I have been thinking about using again.
As often as I blink,
I fight this demon inside of me,
just pleading to be set free,
yet instead,
I allow it to consume me.

Falling, flitting, failing, quitting.
A ****** battle that I just can’t seem to win,
silent, yet shrieking
from this prison we call-
“within”.

have you ever tried to drown in your own bathtub?
it doesn't really work.
unless yours is around five feet deep (or more),
it probably didn't work for you either.
sadly mine is standard.
maybe a foot and a half of water-
at the most.
and when i laid down to drown,
the water barely covered my face.
blasphemy!
maybe i should try face down,
then in my very own tub-
i might actually be able to drown.

Near 90 degrees outside today.
I did go out there once, maybe twice.

I'm wearing a sweatshirt (with the hood up)
and some basketball shorts
('cause it is near 90 degrees out today).

Lingering stares and strange faces
burn holes in the side of it.

"Whats with the hoodie?" she said.
I grinned the utmost, forged,
forced pirate-smile, i had faked,
in the longest of long whiles.

I pivoted to hide my tears.

"Its nearly 90 degrees outside,"
she is saying.
...little does she know...
inside this hood-
its raining.

my only memory of you now.
many moons ago.
language barriers between us.
but you seemed happy.
seemed to smile.
a universal language.
emotion.
even dogs speak it.
dominoes.
and crystal light.
spanish conversations.
my imagination
could only fill.
but smiles.
dad looked so proud.
proud to see us all-
in one room,
in one state.
i hope you made it
to the golden gates.
i hope he gives you the key.
i can't wait to meet you there.
one day.
so we can finally converse.
and reminisce.
universally.

i once gave all my secrets away.
i gave all my hopes and dreams,
                                       even the horrible things.
i loved whole-heartedly,
                  one fragment at time.
                                       i did do that once in my life.
burn.

i attempt to unravel, undress
these barriers now standing-between
                  
you  a n d  me.

i fear the parts i gave along the ride,
are presently no longer mine
to own,
              they were stolen somewhere-
                                              upon the irrecoverable road.
i search subdued secrets
                                   and invisible inclinations-
only to find,
              what appears to be,
this tattered tangled                                                 twisted mind.
                is diminished by
                                         long-lost-leftover             love.
                                                             stale but           dispensing
hopes and dreams,
                                     even the horrible things.
so long as you promise
to keep them somewhere safe

i promise                                         one day,
                to open locked gates-
                                              and give to YOU
                                                                            all my secrets away.