I feel
        Free
                Elated
                          Happy

For the first time in
                                Days
                                         Months
                                                     Years

And I think I like it enough to stay that way

What has made me feel this way?

I do not know

Probably all of the pills

But it doesn't matter because

I'm happy

Seven hours drags on
feeling like eternity
anxiously waiting to get home
need some new scenery
maybe I'll go see my dad.

When I lay in my bed
With this blanket
I think about the frist time
When we were  under it
Your touch your smell
Sometimes I just lay on it to remember what it was like to be with you again
Sometimes I feel like I'm forgetting your smell and I miss it
Sometimes I just touch those bracelets you gave me just so I have a piece of you in my hands
Sometimes I think how much you hurt me
And sometimes I wonder if you are okay
Cause I honestly feel like you aren't
And maybe that your hurting inside
And sometimes I think you want someone to save you but you don't know how to ask
I would of saved you
I would of took your heart and fixed every crack and brokenness you felt from your childhood
And maybe you would of been the great guy I honestly think you can be
Sometimes I think
God, its been almost 3 months without you
And I'm still here wondering
If you are
Okay.

We got close.
I liked you.

I told you my story.
I liked you more.

You told me your story.
I loved you.

You got a girlfriend.
You loved her.

I became more depressed.
I smiled for you.

You made me promise.
I promised.

You're just another person I will promise to get better for.
But that really just means that I'll hide it better next time.

sometimes i forget
that you don't have time
for me anymore
and that maybe
i should just
give
up
but
then
then you come back
it's like a roller coaster
and i can't seem to get off
because the thrill is worth
the disappointment when the ride stops
and you have no idea
but i just can't seem to tell you
what am i so afraid of?
because anything would be better than this
i'd rather you completely reject me
than sit here
not knowing
i want to tell you
i really really do
but you have to understand that i just
can't
and it's only hurting me
as far as i know
i just wish...
i  just wish that  there were more time in a day

I have struggled all my life,
struggled with who I was,
even who I am.
But for some reason tonight, I can't feel the struggle any more.

I couldn't tell if it was the alcohol rushing through my veins,
Or the fact that you are right beside me standing in the dark.
The room is pulsing, music blasting through my ears,
The night is young, and I repeatedly tell myself so am I.

Pretty young girls, dance and flirt around you,
That doubt and struggle hits me as I wonder who you like more.
Is it the girls sitting in the corner,
Chattering and smoking,
Their lives full of fun and joy,
Or is it me.
The girl dancing through the night,
Screaming her pain and anxieties away.

But then, as I scream my anxiety away,
The most amazing thing happens..
You tell me, I am the most prettiest girl in the room,
And once again, my struggles float away
And once again, we are submerged in to the darkest,
Lips colliding as I fall for you again.

I was going to write a poem about you again
Crying
In my bed wrapped in a ball
Thinking about old stupid ****
That made me so worthless and powerless
Then I stopped
I think I don't care anymore
I mean I care
But I don't
About anything
About nothing at all
I'm worthless
I hate every single inch of myself
And I know I've been blaming you for me hating myself
And its mostly you
The mental part but
Half of its my fault
I hate everything about my 5'5 ,150 pound body
I hate looking at myself
I hate the way I made myself
I'm so unhappy
And I know I could wake up and say
Well, it's time to Change and change myself
But
I can't
I can't move I can't feel anything anymore
I'm only 19
19 years of a ******* wasted life
Allison who?
Killing myself should not be a thought
But every night
He's my best thought
This poem is terrible
This wasn't even a poem
I just have no one to talk to
So I write on a website
God if only I was brave enough
To lay at night
And just get it over with.