G'd I am in a deep dark hole
Getting welfare, on the dole!
What do I give or bring?
Empty hands, not a thing!
Heart and head, losing all hope!
How the hell is a body supposed to cope?
When I work I thrive!
Feeding me, feel so alive!
When I don't,  I deflate!
The only thing left is hate!
My self loathing can't be concealed!
Because my uselessness is revealed!

Child, nightmare and dreams
You have them so short,  so it seems!
The hardest part is letting go!
Your head says yes and the rest screams no!!
Try to give them right from wrong
Show them how to be strong!
To stand on their own two feet
To be a good person to any they meet!
But sometimes it goes so bad, drugs, drink or they just don't care!
Their demons take over and as parents we have to pay the piper the fare!
You can't say don't give a ****, give them the cold shoulder!
Because deep down they're your babies and without them the world is trully colder!!
To lock them up in a safe haven, cotton wool, no monsters in their cupboard you say
Your inside shrinks and your heart shrivels to see them  take the wrong road, their way!!
DiD you do your best? Do you love your children enough?  Are you still trying to fix things you think you didn't do right?
Me if I could go back in time, I'd be a little strickter, still love them the same, unconditionally just meybe not so busy more in sight!!
Say no when I should've, tell I them I love them, hold them in my arms much much more!!
Meybe then I wouldn't feel such a failure and my heart  
wouldn't hurt be so sore!!!!

Sitting here,  wishing to be that little girl again, everything is new, a dream, no pain.
Watching the clouds go by in a field of flowers, smelling the sweetness, not the cold rain.
My eyes follow a butterfly going about her simple way,
Hoping she'll come closer, sit by me or near and stay.
Wanting so much to be able to touch her gentle wing,
To listen to her secrets and also to hear her sing.

Dreamer that I was knowing so little about life, the cost,
That little girl is here again, she was just a little lost.
I grew up fast with so much hurt and anger, I almost made her disappear,
I let her go into hiding, not letting her out because of  all the fear.
I want her to come out and see the light, play a little, even make things up, even pretend,
Tell her I am now stronger, no need to hide yourself, dream all you like, come and we will mend.

Sometimes I don't want I to be strong, I want to lean on somebody's shoulder,
Sometimes I don't want to be the rock, I want somebody
To be my bolder,
Who are you somebody,  I don't know just a wish and a Happy dream,
Who am l? I still have to learn, a ghost or just someone
I seem?
What my body and face look like is not who I am
Kinda like a wolf in sheeps clothing, actually a lamb
If I think about It i can be like autumn,  hot and cold
I can be very very shy or suddenly very bold!
Or my life is a poker game, never the same card
Can be very sweet and light or you lose and very hard
But you can sit at the table and hide with your sunglasses!
But  understand lifes an adventure, not many chances!
Enjoy or cry, grab today with both hands
Because tomorrow hey I who knows where it lands.

Life! X

I have to say I am tired of people looking
                           .                   On the outside!

G'd  what terrible words thet are! I am more,
                                            It hurts my pride!

I am a girl, a woman who had to fight
To live my own life, don't I have that right?

Why do I have to explain to everyone that I like men!
Why do I have the feeling I have to pick up a pen?

To tell once and for all my face is not the real me
Why can't people see??????????

Bad night, didn't sleep well
You were so far away I could tell
In the same bed with a valley in between,
Felt you slipping away,  to call you back, to be seen!
I am sorry that you have had pain, that I can't help to take it all away,
I don't seem to have the words to make it go, don't always know what to say!
When I felt your arms going around my body to hold me
My tears came then, letting my hurt and insecurity out, free!
I feel a little lost when you go away, it will be ok , to be fair,
I can only be myself, show you that I am crazy about you being there!
The times we spend together is all the more special when you come back,
And we can talk, joke and silently touch, again on the same track!

do not ask me....?
the level, reaction we have...?
we meet, strangers? but..?
trully happy to see you, speak,
like we know each other....?before?
life is hard, hurtfull, not fair and yet beautiful, amazing!
glad to see you in the flesh, it did me good!
xxxxxx

this needs to hurt the worlds heart!
innocence thrown apart!
gone is the belief!
caregiver the thief!
build a wall, trusting no-one
isolation, help they will shun!

the question in there eyes!
is humanity going to rise!!?????
when is it enough, do we stand on the side
or do we shut it out, look away, let them be denied!!???
if you can feel,
SHOUT OUT, reveal!!!!
Stand up and protect
don't let this go unchecked!!!!

Lips touching, oh so soft, like a feather
Almost like a dream, finding a treasure
Eyes close gently, we're together almost like a dance
Don't make sudden moves don't take a chance
Just quietly let your breath go on a sigh
Let your tongue touch mine, oh in one try
I have had the perfect kiss it touched my inner heart
It felt  so right, we got scared and pushed apart
I want that one moment back, that one kiss again
And then I'll stop looking, stop wanting, going insane
It haunts me because I've said my goodbye and the best
Life sometimes makes me really angry, I feel this is a test
I don't always understand things, dont know
Could this be a lesson? For me to grow

I would really love to phone you on a Tuesday night
To have a cold one or you invite me for a bite
Or spend a day with your mom, dad and you!
Christ child what the hell did you do???
You took a very special person away
And made my life seem really grey!
I want to meet  you again and ask you why?
And give your parents answers so they won't cry!!
I want to punch you and scream
Why did you take away your dream!!!!
My questions can't be answered, heaven is not close so I can't ask
But sometimes my anger at you is huge and I want to take you to task! !!!
It's allready 2 years and soon you should have a birthday and be twentysix!
Everybody still thinks of you, misses you and for **** sake this I can't fix!!!!!
The frustration is big and the pain doesn't go, but we have to live with it!
I will meybe forgive, but never forget and find a place where you WILL fit!
I see your father, mother and brother and see there lives are half broken
I want to help them, I want to find the magic not the half crap token
The words, be strong life goes on!
No it doesnt for you, you are gone!!
I moved house because of the memories,  I felt lost, I couldn't handle it!!!!!!!
I trully wish your family could do that, but they can't and it kills me to see them sit!!!
There hearts are crushed and mine burns
Tomorrow comes and the g'd **** world turns!
Things happen in my life and I want tell and to share
And one of life lessons is life is not fair!
So the big question is why did you take yourself away from us? Why did you do it??????
We won't be able to answer that yet or never! G'd **** idiot ****** hell! ! ****!!!

To everyone that I am making crazy
Sorry everthibg I do now is kinda hazy

Who am I but an old woman looking for a place
                                     To put my hat!
Meybe have a little fun in my life, have a beer
                                       And a chat!

Christ I am tired ofvthis crap and ****!!
Someday I will find myself and a place where I fit!!

Sick of body
Sick of heart
Tired to the bottom of my soul

But fighting still
Trying to find the meaning
To keep looking and not give up
Standing tall and facing life!

And then. Smile!

I'm not young, said before
Did alot, not proud what for?
I survived with anger and hate
And yes life is in the hands of fate!
I see my heart and soul and am glad
They let me see that it is not all bad!
Can't change the past maybe don't need
Just maybe yes maybe I've been freed!

I wake to a blue sky and sunshine
Feeling not tired for once, but fine!
Clean my house, playing r+b and soul
Having fun, grab the mop on a role!
Dancing around here and there swinging along
Not lonely being alone singing whatever song
Finding a happy place, enjoying this moment, a little spent
Fresh and neat and enjoying a quiet time in my home, content!

Do we listen to the voices in the wind, see the ghosts, pleading, slowly fading?
Are our ears closed off or are we hard of hearing, eyes shut aswel, not seeing being sightless?
Is the only pain we feel anymore our own,  whats anothers pain worth, nil just an echo?
Does no-one trully hear there sighs silently screaming for help, begging?
Am I one of them that does not listen, feels and looks, deaf dumb and blind?
Can I and they be taught and changed, open to the sight and sounds of anothers pain?

no not mine, was invited by the older son, seemed almost routine,
the rest, brother, mother and father let me fit in, in between!!!
They had there ups and downs, they got through it, with each other!
I watched and saw them, be there , let no-one fall, be for one another!
Then the oldest made a decision to depart, take himself far away
He took his life and the home became a house and there was no play!
In the four years and four months I see some difference, always pain
but the base of it,strong, still stands with cracks and some strain!!!!!!!
now the youngest has a career, a girl, a new life growing, a home maybe some hope
and he knows that the foundation his parents give will be there for him, help him cope!!!!!!!

I remember you from the past, but I had put it out of the way, far behind!
Where it belonged I had thought, got on with my life, out of mind!
You didn't know my life and I didn't know You!
Suddenly we met again, the put away important few!
The ones that know what I was like, a naughty,hurt little girl, also lost
mirror images of me, from decades past who will be there whatever the cost!
It's not money I am talking about, but the filling up, the feeling you get
They are there a couple of 1000 miles away, the other 3 sisters, you are set!
I am TRULY grateful I found you again knowing now I am not alone!
I can COUNT on my 'sisters' and they on me whatever the zone!
We have memories that collide and the most are parallel, hard fought some battles not won!
We are strong and can stand alone, but together I know we are a chain unbroken, never done!
I am overwhelmed by the kaleidoscope that plays in my head, what I can remember and what I feel!
I would love to find one more missing link to make us complete, knowing our strength would be pure steel!

I hear my screams of yesterday and whispers of tomorrow
My dreams are all in the shade, hidden
By only sorrow!
Friends don't be silly and ask why or wonder!
I won't answer, I am unstable and I will blunder
Around in this darkness that feels like a maze
I can't see me or my way in this fog, this haze
Losing my ability to hear the whispers, I am in no-mans land!!!!
Got no definition of what I am supposed to do, so I just stand!

Waiting!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for telling me I have a beautiful smile
I'm starting to believe it even though it's taken a while

I wish you all the best in finding your pathway
Health,  fun and happiness without too much to pay

I hope your daughters grow up beautiful and happy
And you will be there, strong for them when life gets ******

My life is kind of empty without you now and I did cry
But with these words stop and say a last goodbye.

X

A little history, I have 2 children of my body and 7 of my heart. Yes of my heart at 37 years old children adopted me and they were mine!!!!!!!! My heart and universe was full.:-) trully all 9 are a gift.
I never knew what I wanted to do in my life had no goal, except my goal found me! I am poor in money, but life gave me riches beyond my dreams, I still feel that but theres a shift!!!
I was phoned at 5.15pm 7.7.2011 that one of them decided to go, take his life, his decision! Your life stops, what the f@ck? You are lost, trully gone!!!! So much pain for him and his family and you!!!!!
How do you tell his brothers and sisters that he is no more, won't get older, won't be there anymore, no laughter no fun, wake up this is a dream, nightmare! Find words, so few!!!!!
It is 2014 and nearly the third year,  all the others are older, doing there lives, growing and I am gratefull that they are there and doing, but there is a missing link still! ****!!!!!!!!
There is trully nothing I can do or say to make everyones hurt go away or mine, I am still so angry and sometimes the pain is too great. My heart hurts so much and I have to give him  a place in my world, make him fit!!!!!
It gets too much and there are no words, they can't or won't do much good! I hate beiing lost! Not allways there!!!
Sometimes it's as If i want to give up, but the rest need me, not always, but I have to be open for them, be fair!!!!!!
I love them all, my words cannot convey what I feel! They give me light!
But the shadow sometimes makes it black and it takes time to find the bright!

I don't know allways  what to feel when I read the
Anguish and the pain
The young poets and the old,  sometimes I really think
This world is insane
My one wish would be to help if I can, but my shoulders
Are small
My back is bent I cant stand straight,   carrying the weight
Have to crawl
But to everyone out there who is shouting and screaming,  you need to realise
There are people like you and me who read and feel and do
Hear your cries!

You just stopped everything,  no explanation,  no answer
               Not even goodbye!!

My heart hurt, just want this pain to stop, but my question
               Renains! Why? Why? Why?

I need to THANK the people in this world that help, smile, a hand or food
that give without thought, stand bright
that do things without thinking, they bring miracles, doing what they do
being good, there heart shining, a light
the heart can be heavy with shadow of yesterday, some strangers pass by not seeing the darkness and pain
and then a 'grin' and a wish comes out of nowhere and knowing they are not alone, don't have to explain
the souls that are beacons, give hope and happiness because they can, not for possessions or money
I hope and wish you all well and your world filled with joy, your plates overflowing with good food and honey
and to the people who feel alone and afraid, not enough to eat or nothing to give
I can only say, you are not alone,  reach out and there is help, you have to reach out to live!!!!!!

You know how it goes?
People come and go, life flows!
I got a message from the past, is that you???
My smile is huge, surprises like that are so few!!
To see a friend again from a different age
After so many years, we now turned to another page!!!
Real friends like this, from yesteryear change you inside!
the ebb and flow is different, but somehow stays the same tide!!
Friend, thank you for coming back, and
giving me what I need, though it wasn't planned!!!!!!

I can not seem to stop, I am really trying to hide!!!!
The part of me that still hurts, the sensitive side!!!!!
That place that I need to protect, I really do have to
but when someone comes, with a question for help what do I do???
Can't find the strength to push the one away
Am I weak or strong when yes is what I say!!!!!!!!?
Maybe I am ready to go back to opening everything also my heart?
To the pain, and the pleasure of giving, maybe this is again a new start???

standing there with all my kids, and still....There!
The one in the grave, still....apart and we share!
we talk about a lot of funny, laugh  and all get still,
because the memories we have, does not... cannot fill!
The one place in our hearts, we are going, forward, a step at a time
but sometimes, we remember and the path does not rhyme!

Just sometimes trully 10% of ALL my time,
I feel old, sad, tired and lonely not so fine,
I just get peopled out 90% and then slowly feel the pull!
Christmas comes around i get to fill my need inside,full!
So then i get to engorge and stuff till enough is enough!
And wait for next year so i can be ready and not rebuff

Humans Never Learn! History is lost on people who do not read! We all need to learn from our past!!
Hate comes from not understanding, not talking to our neighbours, not becoming wise! We all are from the same cast!        
I get so tired in my heart, it hurts! reading the absolute **** and crap that is on fb and written onto internet!
The pain of antisemitism, hatred of other skin colours, or religion, it is a cancer and again growing, a threat!
We all come from one Earth, why can we not live in it together and celebrate?
Learn and listen to each other and just live together, be together, great????