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Books devour the silence

that weighs down inside

like bright little creatures

they dream and breath

in their cosy little worlds

until each page sizzles

with a human touch
I am in love with chance and all her open promises, inherent risks, and bountiful rewards. I am in love with the idea of gambling myself into existence and riding the dice on a whim. Certainty bores and scares me, permanence poisons my happy mindset. I need risks and dangers and dumb ideas, it is in these that I find the fruit of life.

I am in love with chance. She calls my name often, beckoning me to spend the night. She seduces me with ***** talk and a proven mind, flooding my heart with her drug. I long to fall into her, with her, to kiss her mouth and taste the poison of an uncertain life. I crave her in the night when there is naught but doubt in my mind.

I am in love with chance and the chaos she brings. She is a storm that tosses my little boat on waves that could equally take me to paradise or a watery grave. She is fairness and equality, for chaos is truly fair, it rids me of order and structure. Her screaming pleasure enraptures me with a sodden wealth and unhealthy appetite for potential glories.

I am in love with chance. She is my mistress, my plaything, the dark shadow that leaves my bed before the morning light. She is the elusive lover to whom my young heart belongs, the fiery being to which my trust is pledged. Chance has yet to let me down – perhaps that is why I love her. I am never disappointed in chance for she is, above all, fair and just. There is not evil or malice in she, there is no hidden agenda or destructive intent.

I am in love with chance.
I am in love with chance.
I am in love with chance and her barren wealth.
I am in love with chance and the way she feeds my zealous lust for life.
I am in love with chance and she loves me.
I am in love with chance and I must choose…

I must choose between her love and your certain certainty.
Her love is opportunity
I long to look upon your face and feel nothing.

No more emotion, whatever it may be;
I want to be cold again.

I want you to mean nothing to me, nothing at all.

But you do.
You still do.

I still can't see your picture without feeling.
I know you are there, somewhere.
I believe you must exist.
All my life I've dreamed of you,
All my life I've hit and missed.

Goals each come easy to me,
Never failing to score my desires.
Yet love has come and gone with years,
Continuous cycle of sparks and fires.

Working hard to become myself,
To be someone worth needing or wanting.
I knew that if I loved myself first,
You might see someone worth loving.

Through all the worlds that I have achieved,
I've learned I don't do it for myself.
The hours in iron, in the books, on the field,
They weren't for me, but for someone else.

They were all for you, for you,
Whose name I do not yet know.
Everything I have built or achieved,
Was only just for show.

It was to make me the person I am today,
The man now armed to love.
It was to show me who I needed finding,
To build character worth dreaming of.

I know my campaign to soon bear fruit,
For how can I, or you, so quickly fail?
We've made it this far, we've tried so hard,
Both taking the less beaten trail.

Every mouth we have kissed,
Every lover held in the night,
Each has only been practice, for you and I,
Each that we might get it right.

So come to me my love,
My anticipation weighs heavy.
I've practiced years for you, and only you,
Come and find me ready.
I long to write with the sages of old,
To bask in the shadow of their might.
To soak in the ideas they cast aside,
In hopes that I might be worthy of their waste.

I dream of playing alongside the greats,
To see their skill put on display.
To be inspired by the sheer force of will,
The driving pain in each push forward.

I desire to sail with the explorers,
Those who conquered the seas with stars and wood.
To experience the exhilaration of the unknown,
And feel the freedom of a life unbound.

I wish to study the masters of science,
To take notes on their great experiments.
To be in the background of the great discoveries,
The shattering pressure of defining truth.

I crave to walk with the changers of the world,
The protesters, the leaders, the speakers.
To hear them, feel them, experience them,
To be witness to the suffering of progress.

I hunger to ride with the conquerors,
To witness ruthless minds destroy adversity.
To see brutality aimed in a specific direction,
The utter destruction of an enemy.

I lust to suit up with the pilots,
To join the brave on every first journey.
To cross the Atlantic, the world, to outer space,
Experiencing the thrill of the life on the edge.

The greatest sadness that I find in life,
Is that I cannot travel back in time.
That I will never meet my heroes,
Is a sobering and saddening fact.

Instead, I am becoming my own,
I am becoming one of the masters.
I will join the ranks of the great,
And I will finally experience the thrill.
Notes (optional)
Most days
I have a single fear:
That my life is just a dream
From which I might soon wake.

If this life is but a dream
Please let me stay asleep.
Life is amazing.
When I was young

I'd dream of all the oceans

I'd never see



And then I got a little a older

And I realized that even I

Could purchase a plane ticket

And dip my toes

In any liquid paradise

I desired



And then I got older still

And I realized

My thirst to see the world

Was easily quenched

By simply

Looking into your eyes



I've drowned in you

And I never want

To breathe again



How fortunate am I

To have found both

The sun and the sea

In the gaze of another
I'm trying. I'm trying.
I've been trying so **** long.
I hate the words, rancid taste,
Like failure off the tongue.

Can't you see what I'm going through,
Are you blind to this, my misery?
Disappointment and festering,
Is that all that you can see?

I don't think you appreciate.
I don't think you understand!
This is what I look like dying.
Soul thin under demand.

You were all needed.
With you I was doing just fine.
But now you are leaving me,
Watching my coffin float on bye.

In this time of suffering misery,
I held on just for you.
I knew that I would see you again,
I knew then I'd make it through.

Can't you see what you mean to me?
Can't you realize my sacrifice?
Why can't you just understand?
Don't make me these dice.

I don't know what I can do,
There are no answers to your questions.
I've done my best, I've been patient,
I've followed all of the directions.

I guess I'll never really know,
What I can do to make this right.
If you could only just understand,
But it is clear your don't tonight.
Displeased with things and stuff. Blowing off steam. Written several weeks ago.
Time hath ceased.
All clocks stopped.
Where you passed by
in dew kissed meadow,
void of thy presence.
We hear no more
at our door
thy gentle knock.
After thy passing
and before
persistent loud cry
of Whip-poor-will.
Now that is still.

Silence.


**~Hilda~
© Hilda July 4, 2014
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