I can not seem to stop, I am really trying to hide!!!!
The part of me that still hurts, the sensitive side!!!!!
That place that I need to protect, I really do have to
but when someone comes, with a question for help what do I do???
Can't find the strength to push the one away
Am I weak or strong when yes is what I say!!!!!!!!?
Maybe I am ready to go back to opening everything also my heart?
To the pain, and the pleasure of giving, maybe this is again a new start???

You know how it goes?
People come and go, life flows!
I got a message from the past, is that you???
My smile is huge, surprises like that are so few!!
To see a friend again from a different age
After so many years, we now turned to another page!!!
Real friends like this, from yesteryear change you inside!
the ebb and flow is different, but somehow stays the same tide!!
Friend, thank you for coming back, and
giving me what I need, though it wasn't planned!!!!!!

A little history, I have 2 children of my body and 7 of my heart. Yes of my heart at 37 years old children adopted me and they were mine!!!!!!!! My heart and universe was full.:-) trully all 9 are a gift.
I never knew what I wanted to do in my life had no goal, except my goal found me! I am poor in money, but life gave me riches beyond my dreams, I still feel that but theres a shift!!!
I was phoned at 5.15pm 7.7.2011 that one of them decided to go, take his life, his decision! Your life stops, what the f@ck? You are lost, trully gone!!!! So much pain for him and his family and you!!!!!
How do you tell his brothers and sisters that he is no more, won't get older, won't be there anymore, no laughter no fun, wake up this is a dream, nightmare! Find words, so few!!!!!
It is 2014 and nearly the third year,  all the others are older, doing there lives, growing and I am gratefull that they are there and doing, but there is a missing link still! ****!!!!!!!!
There is trully nothing I can do or say to make everyones hurt go away or mine, I am still so angry and sometimes the pain is too great. My heart hurts so much and I have to give him  a place in my world, make him fit!!!!!
It gets too much and there are no words, they can't or won't do much good! I hate beiing lost! Not allways there!!!
Sometimes it's as If i want to give up, but the rest need me, not always, but I have to be open for them, be fair!!!!!!
I love them all, my words cannot convey what I feel! They give me light!
But the shadow sometimes makes it black and it takes time to find the bright!

I hear my screams of yesterday and whispers of tomorrow
My dreams are all in the shade, hidden
By only sorrow!
Friends don't be silly and ask why or wonder!
I won't answer, I am unstable and I will blunder
Around in this darkness that feels like a maze
I can't see me or my way in this fog, this haze
Losing my ability to hear the whispers, I am in no-mans land!!!!
Got no definition of what I am supposed to do, so I just stand!

Waiting!!!!!!!!!

G'd I am in a deep dark hole
Getting welfare, on the dole!
What do I give or bring?
Empty hands, not a thing!
Heart and head, losing all hope!
How the hell is a body supposed to cope?
When I work I thrive!
Feeding me, feel so alive!
When I don't,  I deflate!
The only thing left is hate!
My self loathing can't be concealed!
Because my uselessness is revealed!

Child, nightmare and dreams
You have them so short,  so it seems!
The hardest part is letting go!
Your head says yes and the rest screams no!!
Try to give them right from wrong
Show them how to be strong!
To stand on their own two feet
To be a good person to any they meet!
But sometimes it goes so bad, drugs, drink or they just don't care!
Their demons take over and as parents we have to pay the piper the fare!
You can't say don't give a ****, give them the cold shoulder!
Because deep down they're your babies and without them the world is trully colder!!
To lock them up in a safe haven, cotton wool, no monsters in their cupboard you say
Your inside shrinks and your heart shrivels to see them  take the wrong road, their way!!
DiD you do your best? Do you love your children enough?  Are you still trying to fix things you think you didn't do right?
Me if I could go back in time, I'd be a little strickter, still love them the same, unconditionally just meybe not so busy more in sight!!
Say no when I should've, tell I them I love them, hold them in my arms much much more!!
Meybe then I wouldn't feel such a failure and my heart  
wouldn't hurt be so sore!!!!

Bad night, didn't sleep well
You were so far away I could tell
In the same bed with a valley in between,
Felt you slipping away,  to call you back, to be seen!
I am sorry that you have had pain, that I can't help to take it all away,
I don't seem to have the words to make it go, don't always know what to say!
When I felt your arms going around my body to hold me
My tears came then, letting my hurt and insecurity out, free!
I feel a little lost when you go away, it will be ok , to be fair,
I can only be myself, show you that I am crazy about you being there!
The times we spend together is all the more special when you come back,
And we can talk, joke and silently touch, again on the same track!