I don't know how this
cycle of anxiety
took over my life.

There is so much darkness around me, and for a long time that was all could see.  But ever so slowly, light began to trickle in.  The flash of your smile, the warmness in your  voice, the emotion in your eyes -- it was all light  to me.

It's been eight months since I met you, and the  darkness is fading into the horizon. You ignited a light inside of me that is now a  bright flame, and it has taken me this long to realize that I was a light in the darkness all along.

the world is filled with endless shades
of every color imaginable
and every color never thought of.
I love the way the sun lights up the leaves
hanging from the trees, and how the sky looks
when it's about to thunderstorm.
I love the reflections on the lakes and streams
and the clear glass blue of the rushing water.
I love how green grass grows in the spring
and how orange, red, and yellow the leaves turn in autumn.
the whiteness of the earth amazes me when it snows
and blankets everything in heavy, sleepy frost.
color bursts through everything I see.
people's personalities even give off a certain shade
of who they are, where they've been, and what they are going to do.
music gives off rainbows of birds that sing their notes to the sky
and paint the clouds with wispy strokes.
even the greyest of greys and blackest of blacks
have their own palette.

If only you felt the same way I feel about you,
then maybe I could stop dreaming--
of holding your hand,
the warmth of your embrace,
and the taste of your lips.
Maybe I could stop dreaming
of writing you letters,
the sound of your secrets whispered in my ear,
and planting small kisses on your cheeks.
Maybe I could stop dreaming...
of all of it becoming a reality.

My heart is a garden
and you have trampled on my flowers
instead of tending them.
You cut the stems
when they were already broken,
leaving petals trailing behind your footsteps:
nothing but a sad reminder that you left without looking back.
I should have locked the gates
instead of letting you in,
but I thought you had the seeds for the flowers I was missing.

i notice the things
that pass by you like the clouds
floating overhead
(how can you miss them?)

you are like water,
trickling over the walls I've built
and eroding them away,
like a river rushing through a valley.
my walls have crumbled,
and everything that I am is exposed.
somehow, you see right through my practiced smiles
and make me want to be sincere again.

I have been longing, waiting, and yearning
for someone to come into my life and pick me up.
Someone who would tell me how much he loved all of me
when I looked at myself in the mirror with sad eyes.
Someone to listen and speak with kindness
when my mind is crazy with doubt.
Someone to hold me close
when I feel alone.
What I haven't realized is that he has been here with me all along.
He has told me how beautiful my flaws make me.
He has listened and spoken to me so reassuringly that I no longer am afraid.
He has surrounded me with people that comfort me and has sent his spirit to calm me.
He will never leave or stop loving me.
He is my Lord, and also yours.

Hold on tight,
don't let go.
I don't want my fears to show.
Just shut your eyes
and breathe slow;
pretend everything is alright.

My heart has felt so much disappointment, much of it coming from my own hopes and dreams. I can't remember the last time I had the feeling of wanting to know someone so deeply and to let them know me the same. My imagination takes my mind so far into the sky that it's hard to try and land safely back on the ground.
I can't wait for the day someone will share these feelings with me, because then we won't have to ever worry about giving up our highest hopes. We'll want to take our chances, because love is blind and reckless, and just out of our reach.

Winter is colder without you. Your hands used to keep my fingers warm and my heart happy. I try so hard not to miss you, but now it's 24 degrees and my hands are so cold and I wish you were here.

love came like a storm
and
love went like a flash flood

love came like the spring flowers
and
love went like the dead winter trees

love came like an old friend
and
love went like a new stranger

love came like the latest newspaper issue
and
love went like the oldest encyclopedia volume

love came fast
and
love went slow

I convince myself that I'm not good enough
and that is always the first mistake.
if only I had the confidence
to run straight into the storm
and brave through it
instead of losing my mind
to the number of losses and wins.
I think of how weak I am
instead of how much stronger I will become.

Then:
I used to keep a measuring tape
in the top drawer of my dresser,
and take it out every week,
measuring the parts of me
I thought should be smaller.
These thoughts consumed me
until I felt so disgusted with myself
that I cringed at just the mention
of any one of my numerous insecurities.

Now:
The thoughts surface still,
almost every day.
But after constant bickering with myself,
I decided accepting
that the way God made me
was the way he intended me to be.
Now I push away the negative,
and open myself up to the positive,
finally allowing light
to restore my life.

a tally on my wrist
for all my fears and failures,

a curse for each time
my words go neglected.

a feeling of nostalgia
for all those that left me,

and an eternal mark on my heart,
for all the times I've felt broken.

i couldn't put it into words,
so i drew a picture.

i was the rock
sinking in the ocean,

i was the canvas
torn with a knife,

i was the scream
beneath a smile,

i was the house
destroyed by a fire,

i was the girl who was lost,
and couldn't find her way out.

Even the air feels your absence.

maybe the sky is so blue
because the earth isn’t in love with her.
all we do is complain about the weather,
something even she can’t control.
more of us need to appreciate
the love and the light she gives us,
and maybe then
she would have less rainy days.

Music changes the way I hear you.
Your voice is a minor scale.
The accidentals are like the different connotations to your words.
Your laugh chimes in my ears in C#.
Your sigh is a subtle whole rest,
the silence swelling into three measures.
Your whisper reminds me of the flutes
in the mid-section of the orchestra.
Your heart beat is the timpani,
beating endlessly.
Your murmurs are the grace notes
right before the melody.
Every sound you make
is like music to me.

I follow the stars home
like they are streetlamps lighting my way.
They glimmer and glisten
like the hope I hold close to my heart.
They shine so brightly,
even though they are alone in the emptiness.
I am reminded of these stars when I look into your eyes,
because they are the guide that I will follow
when I want to come home.

i don't know anything about you. all i know is that i want to kiss the lips that speak words so lovely they could melt stars (yours).

i want to float away
like a hot air balloon
across expansive skies....
but you are the only reason
i want to stay.
you are the ropes
that keep my tethered,
the strings that tie my heart together.

The wonder in your eyes could illuminate all the dying stars in the sky. I've never met anyone who could play music like you do -- you've got a knack for talents I can only dream of having.
I hear a symphony of world-class musicians when you sing, and see the patient sunsets when you smile.
Your hugs make me feel hope inside my heart. Your hands make me feel a kind of happiness that lasts for hours.
I love you, but I have to let you go for now. My dreams are filled with futures of you, but I have to let myself see the possibility of futures without you.
I cannot let myself say the goodbye I know I need to move on from you. You don't have to know that I am letting you go. I'm not going to tell you.

sing me the song of your sadness
and i will harmonize,
taking your pain
and making it beautiful.

roses, red
lilies, white
I'm still waiting for you to write.
violets, blue
daisies, pink
I'm slowly running out of ink.
carnations, orange
marigolds, yellow
all this waiting, I'm growing mellow.