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Looking meticulously on a river scene of beautiful Wednesday afternoons with all of life’s luxury
Out the window is a tree bent and gnarled with visible age twice my own
The perfect metaphor of life merely eking by, postured against infinity
As another, warped by the waves and turned to termed drift wood, also catches my eye for its existential merit
As it’s all been said before perspective is our only peculiarity
At the point, or lack there of, between all and nothing
Our minds spontaneous self-revelation is miracle enough for any, god fearing be ******  
As over grown and lush as the under-leaves have become it seems like a waste to cut them out now so we might as well pump them full of fertilizers and hope for the second coming
Of knowledge and growth that began in the stone age bottle necking and splurged on drugs and money during the industrial revolution.
While trying to remember the ugliest parts that were and always will be me
Lets get free, really really free
I thought that I was the next thompson
I can't unthink that now
I thought I was a pathetic little wannabe playing himself up to be something more
I can't unthink that now  
I stared at a women on the subway for a solid time and then wrote a note telling her she was beautiful and laid it beside her
I can’t unsay that now
I told my older brother that I think he has asbergers syndrome
I can’t unsay that now
I realized as I took a puff of a joint that I was only doing so because I wanted an excuse to sit and do nothing all day
I can’t unthink that now
Subsequently I understood that all of my consummate drug use is not in any sense exploration or experimentation but simply an escape from my persistent thought
I can’t unthink that now
While listening to a boost mobile add I realized that they were targeting black people by using words like “bling bling” and an obvious ebonic accent
I can’t unthink that now
I saw another ad where the bodyless voice claimed “size does matter” and realized that it was playing on the general inadequacy issues and ***** envy of most men
I can’t unthink that now
Standing on the street I thought about stepping in front of a bus
I can’t unthink that now
While discussing gender politics with a friend I drew a comparison between liberal activist sentiments and culturally accepted cannibalism
I can’t unsay that now
While holding a knife for a brief second I thought about pushing through her back
I can’t unthink that now
I told a black couple that they look exactly alike
I can’t unsay that now
I saw a thick assed black women walk past me and was over whelmed with jealousy at the idea that she would never sleep with a white boy like me
I can’t unthink that now
I heard about the lacrosse team at notre dame being accuse of ****** that girl and thought “how horrible now all of those guys lives are ruined”
I can’t unthink that now
I stood with some friends at a bar and derided them with ******* like “I ain’t got money like all you haha”
I can’t unsay that now
I told a my girlfriend that she had cankles
I can’t unsay that now
I asked my ex girlfriend if she wanted to have a ******* with my new girlfriend and I
I can’t unsay that now
I identified with the title of the nirvana song “I hate myself and want to die”
I can’t unthink that now
I thought that the world would probably be better and would function much more smoothly if there weren’t any races or religions
I can’t unthink that now
I thought that I would rather be black or gay because then I would have something to be angry about
I can’t unthink that now
I used to think about running away so then I could have one of those romantic stories of the runaway who went and made his own life
I can’t unthink that now
I used to wish my parents hated each other for similar reasons
I can’t unthink that now
I saw a beautiful ******* the street and immediately thought that she must be so boring because her whole life is given to her because she is so beautiful
I can’t unthink that now
I gave money to one of those gay rights activists on the street and felt smugly confident in my own liberal open-mindedness
I can’t unthink that now
I held a steak knife and wondered how it would feel to run it through my eye
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that if we believe that one action causes another our lives are fundamentally determined from the beginning and are therefore meaningless
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that if we really do have the power of choice then it inevitably follows that one action is not caused by another and that all of everything is essentially random and life is similarly meaningless
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that my life is only as good as it is because it is built on the backs of endless suffering others
I can’t unthink that now
I realized that despite all of these ugly and despicable realizations about myself I still think I’m a pretty good guy
I can’t unthink that now
I feel like a slug
sometimes I feel like it might be easier just to be one
Faced plainly with my own mental lacunae
I feel the vice grips of creative sterility
Only exacerbated in my willingness to idleness
I am struck by two Slavic language words
Toska and litost
Both have a meaning akin to boredom and existential depression wrapped in one
It is a curse really
To be constantly bombarded with thoughts of my own inadequacies
And having no will to do anything to change them
Maybe that is why I have always been drawn to those long dead souls
Who barely clung to sanity in life and plunged forward like grand ice breakers through the social convictions of modern life
Those desperados of intellect who did simply as will
It is only in the presence of this kind of supreme will that I have found any comfort
And I fear that it is only in the juxtaposition of this and my own disposition
That I have ever lived at all
I mean really is any body picking up what I’m putting down?
This kind of Petulant absurdity is where I thrive
I fear again the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Which in this sense is nothing more than rejection and the knowledge that I really am nothing special
For self-conscious references to Shakespearean texts that lie still unread on my bookshelf cannot bar my consciousness from the near constant obsession
Of simply getting so far out there in the water that nobody can even see me anymore
And I can no longer see the shore
The difference between ‘this’ and ‘that’
existentially plastered and preparing for nothing

The Hadit and Nuit
Bored and lonely on a carpet and picking acne

The being in and for
The words of infinite relation and perspective

Horus and Nut
On Saussure’s lap dogged, tired, and deceptive  

Gilgamesh and Inkidu
"And nothing else matters" Metallica claim

Yin and Yang?
All are the same

and different at the same time
built in illusion
'the paradox conclusion'

God written in Mathematics
And forgotten in words

The Nature of the universe is SO immature
Always sitting and waiting for life to begin

Looking for answers to moral and logical sins
A Non gendered third person pronoun, shin

Cough! and Cough! and sputter and Die!
Burnt by the spent life
Why?

We are but the glorious observers of such things
After about two and a half hours of communication with the eternal rhythm of My God, I think I see a bat fly across the attic room

"My God!" I think.






"I've Finally entered Bat Country...."
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