The amphetamines are at
an all time high.
The excuses stay the same.
I worry that it's too much,
she assures me that its not enough.
I see the world around her spinning
slowly out of control.
She is immune to it.
If I voice an opinion,
the excuses shoot me down.
If I stay silent,
my morals and experience
make me feel unsettled.
I tell her that they make her
cold and distant.
She refuses to see it.
I look into her face and
it is blank.
Too lost in a thought.
Focused on that single issue,
to not see it.
I have to keep going with her,
abandonment is not an option.
I used to be the indulgent one,
now I see it all with different eyes.
I know what’s next.
But she won't let me in.

Ain't nuttin out there I need.
I'll survive on my own.
Closed up tight
like a drum.
You ain't gettin' in.
try to open me,
I swallowed the key.

If you tried
to open my mind
you'll get shutdown
with the rest.
Pump my veins
with your medications,
You ain't gettin' in.

Don't need food,
I feed off anger.
Don't need shelter,
I'm inside myself.
Don't need love,
I have hate.
Don't need water,
I'm already drowning.

God sent me an angel to torment me with.
Hair of fire,
eyes of ocean blue.
Heart skipping beats
with a flashing of a smile.
Pain plunders my soul
with every thought
of her.
I'm being paid back for
every sin that I've committed.
Showing me something
I can never have.
On my knees,
begging for forgiveness
to which there is none.
This is my personal hell.
An angel with no wings and
a sinner with a broken heart.
Seized up in deep thought,
to ponder what could have been
only to wake up in pure desolation.
I am paying it forward.
Loneliness is my sentence,
love is my crime.

©2006 Dead Men Publishing

Hand clinches
into a fist.
Which I could use
against you
Not a care in the world.
You say I'm blasphemous
I say your weak.
Screaming demons,
muscles writhing
in pain.
Blood stained eyes,
my tongue
sharpened like a sword.
Begging for mercy
upon a liars chair.
I can
I am.
tears shed,
spit it out.
Dying one more death,
to be redeemed again.
I live on.
Calloused hands, scarred sanity
hate is divinity
I am almighty.

Why can't I see the world with different eyes?
I go through life with doubt and negativity.
When I show something positive, I take a beating for it.
Either I'm full of ****, or I'm "too good to be true".
I just don't understand it.
It's easy for you to label me a problem without wanting to solve it.
Am I one of those poor ***** that had potential, but fell through the cracks?
What would they say in a eulogy for me?
Would there even be one?
"Shed a tear for a hapless sap who never gave anything back".
Yeah.
Seems like a thing to say about a lifetime lived in misery because no one cared enough to extend a hand.
Good for a laugh and a good time?
That's me.
Anything else?..nope.
When I'm happy, people actually go out of their way to take it away from me.
Don't I matter enough in this world to live my adult life in some kind of happiness?
Guess not.
I was told that crying is a way for the body to heal itself from grief..
Then why can't I?
It physically hurts me to cry.
Like someone taking a soup spoon and scooping my eyes out of my head.
And for the simple fact that I just can't do it.
"Cheer the **** up" they'd say.
"Stop being such an *******" I would have to hear.
If I could, I would.
I've tried.
And I keep trying.
You create the monster that I am not.
You judge me for the ****** that I can't be.
See the world through my eyes.
Take a walk in my shoes, and I promise you,
you would thank God that you are not me.
I have a purpose here.
For what, I do not know.
My true enemy is myself,
and you all know this.
So, you sit and stare, and point, and laugh.
You're **** right I'm the bad seed.
I should have been the abortion.

©2006 Dead Men Publishing

Lack of sleep
catches up with me.
Eyes are blurred
hard to see.
Still feeling the effects
from the night before
neck stiff as a board.
I feel the chemicals
still running through my brain
can't do much, it eases the pain.
my hands tingle,
lips turn blue
somebody help me
this wasn't meant for me to do.
catch my breath, eyes clear
feelings build up the fear.
something came,
picked me up off the floor
all I heard was a whisper
and a closing of the door.
"you have things in this world to do,
so I give you back your life,
My gift to you."

A casual glance into on-coming traffic
two eyes meet..
We met for dinner,
made love and fell head over heels.
Your eyes, that smile
I knew we were destined to be one.
We got married,
settled down,
had two kids.
One boy, one girl.
Alexander and Mara.
They grew up before our eyes.
We retired to Florida,
learned to play shuffleboard
for no reason at all.
You died in my arms one night,
while a kissed your forehead
and told you that I will
always love you,
just like your song.
Then it was over.
A lifetime spent, in a brief moment.
Two cars passing..
one coming,
one going.
I stopped at a red light...
You were gone.

rain drop on a blade of grass
runs toward the ground
seeps into the earth to purify.

someday soon, life will grow
more rain drops will fall
mother earth will live on.

sunlight shines upon a rock
reflects a rainbow
colors that no one see.

Death.  
Does it turn you on?  
Does it light your fire?  
Does it make you burn?
Not an end,
merely a beginning.  
Some things we know,
we really don't.  
People don't know whether to **** or ****.  
Golden sweet rituals falling one by one to the end of time.  
Beginnings are ends,
toward the perception of fate.  
Anything is possible
as long as we try to make it become.  
We see things that aren't really there,
more shadows that cloud our minds.  
How do we get through our times
without love,
hate,
anger,
lust,
pure raw emotions?
Tell me once again that your life is similar to others.  
Why can't it be different?
Why can't you change the way it goes?  
Do you not control your life,
destiny..fate?  
Morals flowing away like your life.  
Nothing you can do,
nothing you know to do,
nothing you want to do.  
Insanity could be the key to your higher power,
maybe.  
Is it in you?
Is it?
Is ****** in your gut?
Is it in your soul?
Others are born with it.  
Why not all?  
Because, that's what makes us different.  
Nothing like a human wearing their soul on their face.  
Show them all your soul.  
Show them you are different.
Do something different.  
Nothing can be,
only can be what you make it.
How many people own their lives?  
How many people know that their really alive?  
Why aren't you standing?
Why aren't you raising your hand?  
Where is your spirit?
Where is your soul?

So blind
to not see
what I've become.
Hope
Is for suckers.
I don't learn
from my idiotic
choices.
Once I've rescued
my heart
from the gutter,
it is submerged
into a pile of
steaming ****,
from my own doing.
You'd think
falling on my face
so many times
would teach
me a valuable lesson.
Nothing could be
further from
the truth.
I am to the point
of giving up.
It seems like
the right
thing to do.
But, I know
I won't.
I have to push
on and see
how much longer
I can go.
One day.
One day,
I will see the light.

Some day.

© Dead Men Publishing

Momma took a lot
of stuff to get where
I'm at.
Momma took a lot of hits
and lived with a broken
back.
Momma still works like
a dog,
Momma walked through
rain, and fought through
fog,
But trust me when I say
still to this very day,
even though I stand
as a broken man,
been knocked down
more times than
Mike Tyson.
I'm not bulletproof
or ten feet tall,
but best believe,
I'm as strong
as a brick wall.
I stomp around
with pounding feet
and Momma can always
count on me.
Til the day I die,
with every waking
breath I try.
Pushers and pullers
need to beware,
when ever Momma needs me,
I'll be there.

I saw a sign that read "free love"
someone was giving their love away.
why not charge for a thing like that?
emotional stability
warm embrace
passionate kisses
comforting smile
or a gentle hug.

all of that should be enough
but it's not.
there’s always something else.
something that ruins the magic
gives the secret away.
lies
deception
greed
violence
or lust for another.

Love isn't free
it costs a lot.
never trust anything more
than instinct.

No one gives something for nothing.

Half stitched heart rips at the seams
begging to be sewed once more
Preachers, like thieves, run rampant
and lie dormant.
The infection burrows deeper
its making me sick
slowly writhing, twisting and
turning the dull blade, severing
the stitches with every turn.
Defiant love ***** away my soul
only to replace it with torment
and pain.
Its the only thing I know.
Kind words and a smile is fake
I can see the pity.

Hammer-smashed face
looks into
the mirror of self doubt.
Holding on
to what is real
is the only thing to keep.
Smash the face once more.
Can you see
where your fear hides?
Cloaked in darkness,
untamed to deception.
Save your soul,
or is it gone?
Praise be
to those who know
and feel pain.
Is weakness
your salvation?
****** fists
pound the concrete sky
to break free.
Have you stabbed a knife
into your heart lately?

I've ripped the threads
from my half stitched heart,
with my teeth!
Clawing from the outside in.
I destroyed it,
before you did.
I set light to my soul.
I poured the gasoline,
lit the match, and
burned it before you did.
I ripped my tongue out
and nailed it to my desk,
before you had a chance to
say the things that would only
force my searing words.
I plucked my eyes from my head
before you had the chance to.
Seeing your crooked smile would
only cause more pain.
I broke my hands to keep from
clinching them in fits of rage.
I can't slit my own throat,
so I leave that one for you.

What are days,
but mere moments of time
cascading themselves into the memories of the past?
Saying or doing.
Making action into reaction.
Suffocating on life,
draining human will power.
Counting the minutes that
stab through your spine, like waves
of an acid frenzy on a bad trip.
Points in time that you will never again see,
unless you catch it at the right moment,
bottle it up to use on another day.

Bathe in madness.
Counting the stones
dropped from time.
A continuous drip,
tapping its tap,
against a
schizophrenic mind,
echoes insanity.

A beating heart
fading.
seen the sun
lately?
Dancing dark
clouds twist
aimlessly into
nothing.

Sure.
Bipolar *****,
missed sanity
again.
Read a book,
learn about
life.
Realize.
Real Lies.

I close my eyes and I see
her face staring back at me.
Could it be, it was all a dream
things in life aren't what they seem.
through the trials, before the demise
I'd die when I saw her crying eyes.
we both did what we could do
in the end, we knew it wasn't true.

I'm still haunted by memories past
I swore to my self, she'd be the last.
damaging words, scarred us both
I swear to you this dying oath.
Never again will I treat anyone this way
no matter how hurtful the things she had to say.
I forgive her, and her, me
In the end, it had to be.

What are ends,  
merely beginnings of time
Like drops of water pouncing upon
your head from a Chinese water torture.
Playing a well thought out game of chess
A sun shining upon a dark heart to make it glow.
Smiles hurt,
they come and go
and when they do, what a glorious affair.
I see myself differently than most of you do
You crucify and defile me at a drop of a hat.
That hat doesn't have to touch the ground
if you won't let it happen.

I feel pain just like you
Words that cut through me like a hot knife
through butter,
scar me forever.
You label me as a sinner,
a monster,
a misfit.

I may be all of those things
once in a while.
In the end,
I'll resurrect myself to the butterfly
you can't catch.
Admire from afar
Take your pictures,
Point and laugh.
You won't have this one
to kick around anymore.

If I knew happiness,
I would show it.
unto you, I show the end.

Tell me why
the ivy twines
and slowly wraps
around her neck.

Through pain
came pleasure
from hate
came love.

She didn't see it coming
Thought for thought
as it was brushed aside.

I caught the scent
of jealousy.
Again
with the melodrama

paint pictures
on walls
built up
around my mind.
I breathe in
the pollution.
burning
inside my brain.
don't think
negative thoughts.
I pray for it
to be taken away.
It fills me.
you turn
against me.
I am sorrow.
stomach in knots
mind floating
once more.
please stop this ride
I want to get off.

Like loneliness?
Try it sometime.
Take a butter knife
cut out your heart,
lay it on the counter.

Complications
aggravation
desperation
loss.

Never to return again
from where?
God only knows.
Tattered and torn.

No hope
all is lost
push rewind
to start over again.

A lifetime
full of pain
some pleasure.
One doesn't come
without the other.

****** if you do.
****** if you try!

It's been awhile since I looked into her blue eyes.
I would drown myself in them for countless years, or so it seemed.
It was too short.
She fell in love with the knot
pain was her sentence.
The smell of flesh lingers.
Her spot is cold.
The bed is bigger.
Sometimes when I close my eyes I can hear her whisper,
"Don't wait up for me."

Watching the dumbing down of America
Idiocracy at its finest.
Selling the world
One latte at a time.
Being guilty of the former.
I too, have fallen victim
to the carnival stupor.
"I'll buy that for a dollar"
That...I'll have to borrow.

I touched your face.
Caressed it, oh so gently.
Shock waves ran from my
fingertips straight to my heart.
God! I loved the way
you closed your eyes,
opened them slowly with
admiration in them.
Then you'd smile and
my heart would skip and jump.
We'd rest our heads on each other,
forehead to forehead.
Just sitting there, silent.
As one.

Dear Lord,

Its like I'm getting taller
But, in reality
I'm getting smaller.
Stand with the torch in my hand,
it not lit, it never began.
With smoke and mirrors,
it was all a trick?
Lost my shirt,
with my heart nailed onto it.
I really tried to do my best,
I gave the truth, nothing less.
Ray of sunlight,
you might be gone,
not enough time to right my wrongs.
You saw a glimpse of me,
that few rarely, if at all, see.
A light that shines so deep.
So, Lord I give unto you,
my thoughts and confessions
to judge me through.
If this is the way
I am supposed to feel,
I'll do what is needed to
keep the deal.
If this is the place
where you want me to be,
All I ask from you, is
to set my mind at ease.

-Amen

The new day brings a new headache.
Making myself forget the past has been a redundant chore.
Severing ties with those that have no part in my life is the highest priority.
Going back to helping myself,
instead of others.
Yeah, it’s the selfish thing to do.
So.
I was better that way.
I've bent over backwards for people
who take advantage or exploit the help.
You mistake my kindness for weakness.
You lose.

pasties on a $10 stripper..
oh how you make them shake.
taking men's money,
no matter what’s at stake.
gotta feed the kids
some how, some way..
left behind a life
that was broken and fraid.
cold lonely nights,
but I'm sure you've brought someone home,
I know you have problems sleeping alone.
breath of cheap beer,
heart full of fear..
I knew you what path you'd choose,
you don't know it yet,
you're gonna loose.

Sitting here
thinking about you,
wondering if you're
thinking of me.
We've been down
this road before
and I know where
it ends.
Hypnotic dreams,
so sweet,
of you.
Only to wake up
to nothing more than
an unforgiving
blank wall.
Secrets shared in
silence,
deafens me.
Self sedation
brings me around,
to **** the
painful thoughts of
you.
The less you say,
the worse it gets.

© 2005 Dead Men Publishing

Lost your perfect life,
no more little wife
left behind a part of you,
for somebody else, new.
I sat back and had to laugh,
and watch you fall flat on your ***.
can't seem to find what you need,
one more bed for you to feed.
ain't no shame in your game,
loneliness is what you claim.
empty promises help you through,
another emotion I wasted on you.
smiles, winks, and nods
gave way to a cheap facade.
So live your life in a lie,
another bed to hop, why not try?
Your cheapness sickens me
to the boiling point of agony.
I tried to ***** the feeling out
Only to be shown a different route.
Take your poison, which ever suits,
I'll have the boot mark on my *** for proof.

So blind
to not see
what I've become.
Hope
Is for suckers.
I don't learn
from my idiotic
choices.
Once I've rescued
my heart
from the gutter,
it is submerged
into a pile of
steaming ****,
from my own doing.
You'd think
falling on my face
so many times
would teach
me a valuable lesson.
Nothing could be
further from
the truth.
I am to the point
of giving up.
It seems like
the right
thing to do.
But, I know
I won't.
I have to push
on and see
how much longer
I can go.
One day.
One day,
I will see the light.

Some day.

I need to do away with everything that hurts and scars me.
Like a catalyst, a substance that initiates or accelerates
a chemical reaction without itself being affected.
I am rebuilding the structure to the fortress around my mind.
Plain to see, but difficult to understand, I will become whole once more.
Tear pieces of me away, soon there would be nothing left.
A paper mind shreds easy. Stone does not.
I've done away with the useless things
and people which I left the door open to.
You can't break me.
Your a virus that I have the cure for.
Once again, I'm coming back to the place I need to be.
If you don't see it now..you will

to be continued..........

Stuck in a stupid fairytale
running around town like my heart
was out on bail.
Lord, please come down and kick my ***,
I need a whoopin hard and
I need it fast.
******* over a ******* smile,
not knowing all the while,
I was being played like
a hapless fool,
Please, someone,
wipe away the drool.
Fed up, sick and tired,
stare my reflection down
and scream,
You're fired!
My eyes saw something that wasn't real,
I got stupid when I started to feel.
That was my **** up,
I should have known.
Love is for suckers,
I'm meant to be alone.
Dust off my shoulders,
and stitch up my heart,
That was all too easy,
time for the hard part.
Runaway to a place you'll never find
That walled up space,
in the back of my mind.
It'll be a matter of time,
before you'll be blowing up my cell line.
So, go about your business,
do what you gotta do.
I'm done with this ****,
I wash my hands,
I'm through.
It was over before it began
with her words:
"I just wanna be friends"

©2006 Dead Men Publishing

I fight the pain to resist anger
every morning when I open my eyes.

Sunlight peering, risks certain danger,
in darkness, no one can hear my cries.

Feel failure run fast across my face,
end the passion play.

Don't weep for a sad clown.
Just take a picture, it'll last longer

She sat up in bed
in the middle of the night,
asking what time it was.
I told her it was 1:30.
She got up.
Went to the bathroom,
laid back in bed
and complained about being hot.
I told her she didn't have to stay.
She was off the hook.
Maybe she wanted me to beg
her to stay?
To make her feel
a little more wanted?
I wouldn't give in.
Standing my ground,
I watched her walk out the door.
Now as I look behind me,
the bed seems a little more
lonelier.
I could have had someone
to hold on to.
Instead,
I'll have to squeeze
on this old pillow,
I've grown used to.

I don't care
how you
perceive me.
I don't care
why you
deplete me.
I don't care
how you
berate me.
I don't care
why you
annoy me.
I don't care.

I walk
with an upturned
nose,
away from your
stupidity.
Feeble minds
think alike.
You stick
to your own kind.
Fuel my rage,
I just laugh.

© Dead Men Publishing.

I'm on a downward spiral
and you're the one taking me there.
I've lived a life of sin
for you to spit your self righteousness
in my face.
Someone who I let in to see me,
I have only myself to blame for that.
Every small, minuscule thing you know
is a weapon in your hand.
An occasional compliment falls on deaf ears.
I know, I've become your punching bag.
And because of my past
You use it all against me.
The only reason you keep me around
is fear of being alone and
to have something to throw your hate at.
Like an on and off switch
goes your sanity.
Taking your pills before bed
does nothing for your psyche.
I sit in silence.
Taking everything you dish out to me.
One after another.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
The sound of your voice
sends claw marks down my face.
I want to rupture my own ear drums.
No matter what you say
how you say it...
I still come back for more.

would you beat a small dog with a big stick?
would you hit a small child for asking questions?
would you push an old man down a flight of stairs?
would you like to feel no pain?

would you?

would you betray the trust of a loved one?
would you make someone cry because you can?
would you lie upon a jury stand?
would you stand up for your rights?

could you?

could you be put in compromising situations?
could you be the head of the game?
could you hurt someone?
could you scream when you can't make a noise?

could you?

could you wish upon a star?
could you make that wish for some kind of peace?
could you live without your right arm?
could you give more than what you have?

it's all a test.

Random thoughts
escape my brain
begging to be put
onto paper.
Jumbled words
to soothe my
tortured soul.
Dark feelings comeback
to haunt me again.
I thought they were
dead and gone,
I was wrong.
Stare at my reflection,
showing me how
time has moved on.
Was I destined to be
something more than
a broken shell?
Did I choose the right path?
Or, was it the left?
Confusion sets in,
I am better now.

stuck in my head again,
nothing seems real.
life sheds its skin
on my lazy boy chair.
flashing pictures on the tv,
pacifies the pain.
as long as I keep the thoughts at bay,
the darkness sorta goes away.

remember the insults
you spit at me?
I do.
never stopped to think,
something else could be wrong.
you always say it has to be me
so you put on your shoes,
pick up your things,
kiss my head,
and close the door on another day.

you suffer for my torment.


©2006 Dead Men Publishing