Every firework reminds me of you.
But everything reminds me of you
So I guess that isn't so special.  
But what can I do?
You keep me trailing behind you
Like a lost puppy
When I always thought I was the one
Guiding you.
You asked me how I love you
In what way do I
And I couldn't tell you honestly
Because I'm not entirely certain
But my times up.
I had my two weeks of peace
But the flame is back
And your just a moth flying blindly
To a false warmth
Of someone who is in love
Just not with you.

It's just an embrace.
but when you think about it
it's not even that.
Its just two bodies
coming together
for warmth.

But today was the hottest day so far.

Something about the way
your arms fit perfectly around my back
or how my arms effortlessly rap around your shoulders
or how my head and your chin fit like puzzle pieces
makes me question
if it was really
just a hug

Of course I stay up waiting for your call
Any chance I have
I take it
Missing your call is like missing
A shooting star
because I know
You aren't mine forever
You are here for this moment
But who knows what the next will bring
Maybe it will bring you everything you've been searching for
And am I wrong to want to stop that?
Yes.
I am wrong.
But I am always wrong.
I ruin things.
I would ruin you
And I would ruin us
Because
For me
That is just another day

I can't hide from the pictures on my wall
Or the shadows in my room
Or the ballet shoes in my closet
That used to fit perfectly.
The mirrors know what I've done
And the Hand-Me-Down clothes judge me
From their untouched spots in my closet.
The old school books know my past
And the summer reading I haven't done
Attempts to tell the future
And it's probably right.
The old toys stored under my bed
Used to keep the monsters away
But now my stuffed animals help them
Reach through the cracks in my wood floor.
Unfolded laundry spills my secrets
To people who walk by
And folded cloths offer up gossip
To anyone who will give them some attention
Even though
Anything that is folded hasn't been touched in years.
Winter shoes are crying for approval
And summer shoes are screaming for a break
And I'm lost in the middle looking for both.
But my blankets and pillows have it worse
Because they can only guess why
I cling to them when the lights turn off.

The Lego castles I built when I was little
Aren't strong enough to keep you safe
But they are the best I can do.
And I promise
The collapsed dollhouse in the garage
Is not a fair representation of me.
Though it might be a bit too close to the truth.
And I've never been good at Jacks
But I promise to pick up all your pieces
Every time you get thrown around.
And I got good practice
Taking care of people
Through all the stories I made up when I was five
And the rubber heads of my Barbies
We're always still connected to the plastic bodies
At the end.
So I think I have good experience
On how to stay alive in the real world
So maybe we could live in Lego houses forever
Please?

Everyone wears a mask
Though yours is beautiful and hard
You aren't as skilled as you think.
I can see the pain in the one place the mask doesn't cover
Your eyes tell the tales of nights gone too long on the street
And fights gone too rough with daddy dearest
And I wish I could protect you from the hurt
But you revel in it.
You use your pain as an excuse for all your actions
And I let you.
I encourage it.
I blame them as well.
The world hasn't been fair to you
But you haven't been fair to the world
Did you give all you could?
Try your hardest?
No.
You gave the amount of effort you thought would make you cool.
That might have worked
But look where we are now.
You tried just about as hard
As a peacock tries to fly
When I know you could soar.
You are just consumed with yourself.
You show off your tail
And watch people run in the other direction.
All I wanted was to see you fly.
You couldn't even do that.
So I'm leaving without you
I'm flying high and leaving you behind.
The view of the sunset from earth might be beautiful
But the view from up here
Is infinitely better
Partly because you aren't here
Mostly because I can still see you
From the sky.

My writing is a pool of unattainable thoughts
Trying to find explanations where there are none.
I wouldn't expect you to understand because I don't myself
And
Like my words
I am floating aimlessly
Because my goals are unreachable
And my dreams are undesirable
Closing my eyes
And catching flies
Will only get me as far
As their wings can take me.
I am forever glued
To the spot you left me in
When you told me you'd see me again soon.
Lies.
All lies.
Liar.
I was warned and I continued because
I trusted in the man
Who I thought had
The heart of gold.
I was right
You do have a heart of gold
But it makes you greedy
You concentrate on how your happiness
Is immensely more important than
The people who loved you
And I say I understand
And I plead others to have reason
But I have limitations
And you are testing my tolerance
And your balance
Because
Trust me
The tightrope your walking on
Has two ends
And I am only holding one.

My minds been compromised.
I can't form sentences
But when I do
It's just a jumbled up mess
Of the broken words
That fell out the window
That one cloudy night
Last May.
My minds made a compromise
With my heart.
One wont feel for you
If the other doesn't think of you
But they both have problems with
Keeping their promises.
Your tear-soaked "sorry"'s are on my clothes line
A different color for everyday
I cried to you through florescent light.
Caring is written on the ball
That I always throw correctly
But never really hit the target.
Caring is spray painted on your ceiling
But you always seemed to miss it
Every time you went to sleep.
Caring is the name of the one-way
Dead end
Street that I walk down every single day
Hoping for a different outcome.
And hoping was always something
I had left to those
More experience in short comings
Until I realized that the people
I should have been relying on
Were the people who hoped blindly and
Got everything they didn't know they wanted.
And for some reason
I wish it hurt more when you don't answer
Because then maybe I would have a new emotion
To connect to your smell.
And God only ever shed his light on me
When he knew I was indecent
But to be lit at all
Is a blessing itself
Right?
Right.
That is the only right answer to that question.
Right?

I get it now
Why they call it a crush
Because my heart is crumbled
Like the Coke can in your hand
You didn't mean to
You didn't know I gave it to you
You clenched a fist without thinking
I don't blame you
I know you've felt this way
And caused this pain before
I can feel my stomach
In ways I never thought I would
It's beating like a heart
Maybe because
My heart never beats
Only pounds
And only when I see you
I love when you hug me
But hate when you let go
Because when you hold me
You carry me above the world
But when you let go
I fall

Words don't carry much weight
When they spring from hallow lips
Let alone
A hallow heart
Where not even your blood cells will enter
For fear of being trapped
In that black hole forever
Just like me
I have been pulled into your nothingness
And I cannot escape the grasp
Of your need to be alone
And my need to be needed
You made me feel that way
Until you made me feel like
The raindrops that made lines on my skin
Were useless and unimportant
Compared to the ink dripping from your vanes
Because you always were a poet
You had the perfect words
For the perfect times
To make perfect moments
But only when you spelled it out for me
Your voice never delivered the same grace
As your tire tracks fade
So will my need to keep them there
Just because you've been somewhere
Doesn't mean you'll return
And holding onto indents in the snow
Is an arbitrary action
That I will no longer take part in
The only things I will hold onto
Are the tree branches that carried me
Long before you came around
And tried to take their spot
But you're just not strong enough to beat my oak tree
And it's a shame
Because all this time
All I've wanted to do is trust you
But your breath speaks lowder than your words
And it tells me the past and future
Both of which scare me
And I'll watch the fog roll in
And wonder if the grass ever gets frightened in the dark
Because I know I do
Colored paper and tea leaves won't keep me safe
Only you can do that
So since safely isn't an option
I will have to fight
But do me a favor
Don't trust in the rose petals on your doorstep
Fear them

Your help is just about as useful as the quarters left under my pillow
In place of the bones I lost transitioning between childhood
And whatever stage I am in now
Because it isn't adulthood
It is a jumbled up mess of unwashed clothes and broken hair elastics
But mostly tears
And I have never viewed tears as a weakness
Always a strength
Because strong people feel emotion
Where weak people lack it
But even though my pillow knows my strength has no bounds
The world will never see power escape these eyes.
You'll never see the jeans laying on the floor around my room
And though I may still find coins behind my bed
They wont pay for the future they represent
And somewhere along the line
I went from making money from lost teeth
To spending money to get rid for them.
Your prayers are welcome but I don't know how much they will do
Because every prayer I ever made
Remains unanswered

There will be no more sad songs
or nights of no sleep
worrying about you
and wondering if you are alive.
There will be no more secret deals
or desperate lies
to keep up your life style
and no more tears that fall.
There is no need for crying.
The pride I have for you
Is larger than words can describe
And if I could find the words to express it
I would want to scream it
to the world.
But I wont
I'll keep those words for us.

The heaviness of my eyes reminds me
Why I don't write your name anymore
There is too much time wasted on someone
Who walks through my life
And leaves all their **** for me to clean up
Leaves their life for me to fix
And if you really cared about me
You wouldn't blatantly disregard everything I say
I'm attempting to string pretty word together
To describe how I felt in those moments
But all I want to say is
You're a parasitic *******
You're a egotistical self pitying child
You're a reliable day ruiner
You're unapologetic in the worst way possible
And I have no more pretty words for you
Congratulations
You burned me out
You took the last shred of hope I had for you
And threw it way
Then washed it down with that first shot
I no longer believe you will be ok
I don't think you will ever be ok
And I just have one more thing to say about you...
You're a ****.

If only the answers could be written out in front of me
Then maybe I would know which way to turn
When the choices I have to make are not completely black and white
My life is made out of grey area
And no matter how bright my flashlight is
It isn't strong enough to fight off all the shadows
Taking refuge in the corners of my mind
Waiting for the moment to carry me to an unwanted place
In an unwanted time
In an unwanted life
Right and wrong are now unrecognizable things
And maybe I can tell the difference
But admitting my mistakes is always going to be harder
Than continuing making them
And my life was never supposed to be like this
And my name was never supposed to be used like this
And my days were never meant to be spent like this
In fear of anyone finding out my true plans
Of anyone finding out who I really am
Before I have the chance to figure it out myself
And the lines around the block
To see this lonely girl
Explain to a crowd of people who don't know her
Why she does the things she does
And you will be disappointed with the answer
Because she did it for the most scary reasons
But mostly
To be happy

I can't pour white out all over my life
And erase all the mistakes I've made
And I wouldn't want to
Without those I've learned nothing in my life
I've never tripped on my doubt
Or spilled milk all over my hate
And that scares me more than
Hitting myself in the face with my jealousy
Or sleeping with fear in my mouth

O' bright one, tell me of the stars
Tell me about the songs each one sang to you
Whisper to me the secrets of the sky
Of the darkness you encountered
But of how there is light in the darkness
So you knew you'd never be completely lost.
Write me bed time stories of your adventures through Saturn's ring's
And the craters of the moon.
Tell me of how the face there was carved by you
In honor of the life you've left in a black hole
Somewhere in the depths of space.
Speak to me of the immensity of the universe
And how it only makes you feel larger
Because you got to witness it all from your flying machine.
Tell me of the crystal flowers you picked
In a meadow lightyears  away on a planet like earth
Only the grass is purples and the sky is orange
And the people are happy.
Dear Traveler, Tell me of the wine you drank
With the kings of far off galaxies
And tell me what you told them of earth.
Help me picture the waters you swam in with the beautiful mermaids that lead you astray
But remind me of how you don't care because you got a good story out of it.
Tell me of all the mistakes you are happy you made
Because the stars never judged you
And the planets never abandoned you.
Tell me of the people you met and the lives you changed
Because someone touched by light cant help but shed it on other people.
Tell me of the times you danced all night
Because a young maiden with three heads
Was just too much for you to resist.
Tell me of the field of glass hearts you had to walk through
To get to where you are now.
And then
Blessed One,
Tell me why any of it matters.

4:00 am
And you know
I keep the volume up on my phone
Just in case you call.
Even change my ringtone
Before I go to sleep
To something that will wake me up.
It's stupid.
I know.
But I do it because
No matter what time it is
I always want to be talking to you.

My breath reaches for the stars
Creating clouds to obscure their vanity
But my fingertips pull me closer to the cement
And knowing that the last step is longing than the rest
Is helpful on the way up
But soon forgotten on the way back
Down
Dirt gets in between my toes
As I run towards comfort
That may or may not be
The
Fantasies of a child's mind
Playing hop-scotch
In a teenagers body
In a teenagers life
Walking down the
Hall
At school
Pretending that you cared enough
To carry my books
Even if my class is on the other side of the school
But
There
Aren't even books that are able to be carried
Especially by you
Because you don't even know what classes I'm taking
And all I'm asking of you
Is
To treat me like you did before
When you still thought you needed
To gain my love
Because just cause you have it
Doesn't mean I can't take it away
All I'm asking of you
Is some time for
A
Heart to grow open
And consume the love it's given
The love I offered you
But threw away
All I'm asking of you
Is to be a
Man
And own up to your feelings no matter how small
Because this might come as a shock
But you need me
And I can do without someone
Who
Wants the world on a string
Without ever casting his hook
Into the depths of his mind
Where he will
Never
Find the questions he is looking to ask
To match the answers he already knows.
Your head
Sleeps
On a pillow too far from mine
Yet I wish you could be farther
Because we only seem to work when
We have something holding us back
And I don't know
How
This came to be
But dysfunctional as it is
As we are
As
I
Am
I wouldn't want it any other way
And the stars in the sky scream for my
Wish
But I'll never tell the sky
It is far too vast
Far too many souls to tell
And not enough heart for me
So maybe
I
Will tell the blades of grass
I pulled out of the earth
While listening to silence
Because we never needed to say anything
Maybe I
Could
Tell the flies that circled my head
That night it all seemed like it was over
And it was all starting
In one breath
And I wish the planets would
Be
A bit more forgiving
But they remember everything
Every letter I threw out there
Like
A bird from a nest
That would never be able to fly
Just to see if they could float
But I guess my wings will never be strong enough for
**Him

I realized tonight that you don't really care about me
And you spit out words and aim to please
But you don't take into account that we are people
We live and we talk and I know
I have feelings! And you can't just play with them!
Say what you think I deserve and disregard the truth?
Is that what you think friendship is?
Is that what you think love is?
I feel like some old sofa
That might have gotten you through your glory years
But just has one too many stains for you now
So you move on to the next shinny new toy.
And you leave me on the side of the road
Hoping some poor guy who has no idea what he is getting into
Picks me up and takes me away,
And if someone doesn't
No problem
Once I've spent a good amount of time on the outside
looking in on the warmth I once knew
You will take me to the dump and get rid of me once and for all.
Is that all I am to you?
Stability and a blessing?
I got you through this year?
Is that all you want from me?
Are you done with me now?
Fine.
I will still give you everything
I will still give you all of me
Because I will never meet anyone I love more
At least I hope not to because I never want another person
who will be able to rip my heart out by saying nothing.
I knew it was too good to believe
I knew you'd find someone better
So why am I so upset that you did
Once again you lived up to my expectations.
Empty promises and empty bottles are all I have left of you
And I wish I could lie and say that's all I want from you
Because that would make this poem end in a nice neat bow
But that's not true.
I want more of you.
And I don't want to spend the rest of my life as your lap dog
I want you to live up to your words
Or take them back
Or just do something with them
Because as they are right now
They are reused and old and bled dry of any real emotion
They are rung out and left out to dry on the cloths line of my inbox
Hoping one day they will mean something more
But no longer having faith that things will ever end up the way I want them to
I can clean myself as much as you want
But I will always be scared and flawed
And that will never be good enough for you
I will never be good enough for you
At least that's how you make me feel
And no one should have that power
I want to be over you
But I'm slowly realizing that will never happen.
You told me you will always be in my life but I'm not sure if I want that
I just want you to tell me that I will be okay
But you can't
No one talks to their old couches
You tried to fix me
You tried to sew on patches to my broken heart
But I ask too much of you
I don't try to but it always seems like too much
It always seems like something else is more important
But you are the most important thing to me
So can you promise me something?
Instead of leaving me on the side of the road
Just leave me in your basement
Because that way maybe I'll think you will come back for me
And I will have something to live for
And I won't even care when you never return
My heart wont even hurt a little
Because sofas don't have hearts
And that's all I am.

Don't pull this self sacrificing ******* with me.
Leaving me behind is not whats best for me
So let those words rattle in your brain
As long as you know they are a lie.
You always say I can't lie to you
You know me too well
But you seem to forget that
Knowledge works both ways.
So let me just put this out there
When you sigh
There is trouble
Because the weather forecast calls for tears
And false words falling from your mouth
Like hale.
And I catch them in my eyelashes like snowflakes
Not nearly grasping the immensity
Of the hurt about to ensue.
You are doing this for you
Which is fine
Just own up to your selfish ways
And self centered tactics
And we will all be fine.

I had never felt closer to a person
Than in that moment
And now we were never farther
And I won't be the one to build the next bridge
Just to see you burn it
I thought you would whisper to me
The secrets of the universe
Little did I know
That everything you had said was falsified
And unimportant
I am not some crash test dummy
You can practice your feelings on
To see which ones break me
Just so you can sweet talk your way through
Life
Eventhough I know you've never been too good with words
The most profound thing about you
Is that you can make people believe you
You can make me believe you
When I have witnessed your manipulation
Time and time again
But I always thought I was different
That must be the most idiotic thing I have ever done
Believe in you
Believe in your words
The ones that used to create clouds for me to live in
I could have lived forever in those words
But just like my smile
They pass
And they won't return
They are waved away into nothingness
And I have to watch as my life fades with them
And I could create a million clouds
And they would still never be enough
I have no new love for you
Just the same feeling of dread
Everytime you make a wrong turn
So basically that feeling never goes away
But
For your sake
I hope you find a way to keep it there
Because you're running out of time
And I'm running out of capacity
And you are taking up too much room
Not in my heart but in my brain
And that's a place I never wanted you

You seem to enjoy fixing things that aren't
Broken
Like my stairs
Or my swing set
Or my home.
No one asked you to step in
And try to make everything better
I don't need you painting my room
Or planting my grass
Or loving my my mom back to health.
We are broken.
And maybe I liked it that way.

I was foolish to think that things ever
Change
It is always the same
The only thing that changes is seasons
I thought the north would help
A change of scenery
A change of pace
A change of color
A change of seasons
Maybe a change in the way I see my life
Or in the way life sees me
But I was wrong
Nothing changes

What if the world didn't circle you?
What if, just maybe
There were greater forces moving us along?
We are just atoms
Held together by paper cuts and splinters
That we were too afraid to tell our mom about.
We are the same
So don't pretend like anything you do
Is superior to everything I do
Because
Unlike you
I do not wallow in misfortune
Or blame anyone else for my spilled milk
And these will always be my problems
That you were too busy
To care about
Because you are chasing a future
That you don't want.
We are just people
And the tape you used to showcase your pride
Doesn't make you more
It just makes you a sad little man
With a handful of opportunities
When all you can do is
Steal those chances from others
Even though no one has threatened to take yours
And you believe that no one could
But the day will come when you will fall
And someone will steal one of those opportunities
You thought you had a lifetime to achieve
And I will be there to watch
And catch
And stabilize
And throw my darts at the people who thought they could hurt you
Because I want you to know
That I am there for you
Even when it's not a full circle

I've gotten in my bed
Expelled you from my mind
And you creep back in
Just like the scent of you
Making your way to my lungs.
I don't know where it came from
And I wish it would go away
And I'm scared to think
That I will wake up
Smelling you too
The only person who should do that
Is whoever is in your bed this morning

You always seem to know the wrong things to say
At the right time
Or is it the right things to say
At the wrong time
Or maybe it's both
But
No matter what
The wrong always outshines the right
Because in the end the timing doesn't matter
It's what you said in the time that you were given
That will dictate how people remember you
But you are hollow
And I will always remember you as
The boy
With the chocolate coated nothing words

And I know you didn't mean anything by it
But you said it
and I guess I was wondering if it could mean something again
Because the second you said it you gave me permission to say it too
But I haven't
You gave me permission to feel it
Though i prayed to God I wouldn't
Every night I prayed
And it worked for a while
But then you said it
And you can't take it back
And i hope you wouldn't want to
But I'm afraid i would if I said this:
I like you
I like you a lot
I guess I just never knew it
I guess I never realized that all those times you asked me who
Or said I need someone
You meant more
And it may not matter now
You've moved on
And I helped
But I wish I could take it back
I wish I never helped
I wish I had realized sooner
I wish you hadn't listened to your friends
But it's too late
The moments past
And I get it
That's what I should say
Instead I just say:
I love you too much to like you
And I think I'm broken hearted
And I know I'll move on
But I hope I never forget you
You can't just say those things and expect nothing to happen
I know I promised to never feel this way
But I'm not so sure if I can follow through
We had conversations discussing why it would never happen
How we both feel the same way
But what if I was lying
What if you're beautiful and I just can't tell you
I know what to do
Turn up the music and turn down the feelings
The problem is. I'm running out of songs that don't remind me of you
My world is divided
Half say "yay"
Half say "nay"
All say "I told you so"
But I don't know what I want
That doesn't matter anymore
The door is closed
The page is turned
And any other cliche about things being over
Because you'll never know
And I'll never tell you
And you'll never read this
because as far as you know
I love you too much to like you

Don't call me "punk", don't call me "druggy"
And don't you care call me by my home town.
That's where I've been not who I am
And if that is your impression of me
you obviously don't know who I am.
But that doesn't surprise me
No one in this town ever really knew
Next door doesn't even grasp it
So let me explain it to you
Though I am always myself I am not always the same person.
When I'm with you I'm the person you want
When I'm with them...
But it always seems I'm a little too much for you
And not enough for them
But unlike you
They don't seem to mind
They don't criticize my every move
And they love me without putting me down
Or trying to put me into a box where I don't fit
And
I'm sorry
But I just don't fit in your box.
I'm not made of clay that you can bend into a desired shape
And my heart doesn't have strings attached that you can pull like a puppet
And make me dance
You cant control who I am
Who I was
Who I will be
I can't even do that.
So you can put on your show
And make everyone believe you are something you are not
But I know who you are
Because I don't try to put you into any boxes
Not even the one that you are bending over backwards to get into.
Am I the only one who finds it liberating to breathe in the fresh air
Instead of being confined to breathing the same air
As you are passed on from one box to another
Until the only one left is a pine box that will hold you forever
Excuse me if that is the only box I ever want to fit into
The shapes I make are way too elaborate to be labeled as "punk" or "druggy"
And especially not by my hometown.

When I little I used to play a few games in my back yard
They have become more real for me lately
And I think that is because you make me feel like a six-year-old again
naive and impressionable and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I used to play freeze in my friends back yard.
At night we would run around and wait for her security camera
Light to go on
And when it did
You froze.
If you were close enough to the edge of the light
Someone on the outside could pull you back
But if you were in the middle
You were *******.
And that's how I feel now
That is how you make me feel
Stuck in the middle, all eyes on me
Except in real life, with you, the light doesn't go back off
It stays on staring at me
Forcing me to rethink every step I ever made.

My best friend and I played a spy game in my back yard
Trying to figure out who the evil master mind was
With our faithful companion
Hogan
The best dog ever.
And I wish I could go back to those days
Where we could make up our own secrets
Instead of hoping the real ones wont get exposed.
Or even better
We now try to uncover real secrets
To expose our enemies for what we believe them to be.
I want to turn into that spy again and figure out
What you are feeling
From the source: your heart
Because I don't think I trust your mouth.

Tag.
Your It.

I burned my thumbs searching for your approval
And scraped my knees tripping through the recesses
Of your mind
But now I'm finding myself needing to
Paint over the flaws I made for you
To get you to look my way
All you left me with was a bag of cliches
And wet feet from running in the rain
Trying to make it to your side.
I was abandoned before you arrived
And I was found before I was lost
So now I will be going back to my old ways
But as long as your steps are forward
It doesn't matter how many steps back
My feet take my mind.