I crept along the wall
Positive the shadows would conceal me
From the eyes of a hundred
Passers-by
Who knew not what I am here to do.
My shoes provide the silence
With a click
Clack
That resonates and makes my heart thump harder.
I feel the cool paper
Against my back,
And I imagine the swirls
And dips
And paisley prints
Are reaching out
To caress my skin as I slither
Through the hallways,
Missing lights and
Missing sounds
That do not resonate my heart.
There is a room
That glows a sullen blue
At the end of the hall,
And inside I imagine
Would be cooler
Than my favorite drink.
I will find
A mirror that will not reflect the image
Of the man I have become,
But remind me of all
The things I should have been.
A chair with a black cushion
Would hold on to me,
So tight
To assure the world that I am
Just where I am needed to be.
The halls are silent,
No breezes creeping slowly,
No stifled whispers
That reach out to pull me back
To the places I used to sneak.
In there, I can find myself
Wrapped in a dull blanket,
Cocooned by walls of blue,
And I will find peace,
Concealed inside a place
Where no one knows
Who I was meant to be.

You were always more like twine,
Wrapping yourself around my neck.

So thin you had seemed innocuous
To my gullible eyes,

But once you had enclosed my airway
I was forsaken to eradicate your embrace.

I purged myself repeatedly
Because you had filled
Me up so heavily and your eyes
Were made of an amber
I could not,
At once,
Forget,
But forgive me of my trespasses.

You were the only one I loved.

Collapse into me
Again and again.
I don't want to love like that.
It should remain
As passionate
As it had been before
So that all will know
Time does not mean anything
Because it's all just like
A lake
For us to swim.
Drowning is always an option
For those of us left to float
And
Be adrift all on our own.
Down falls,
To rivers,
And back to the lake once more.

Could you survive if I
Press panic
Or would you fall to your knees
Like a lackluster hero?
He was made of chimney soot
And deviled eggs,
Laid to waste upon my sheets.
His rotten body, lying close to mine.
So close I could not breathe
Myself back into me.
He wore a face of a
Hallmark clown
To hide all of his thoughts beneath.
But, I remember what it is to
Walk away
From a life that tried
to pull me under currents,
But I have always been able to
Hold on to shores.

Sensible, I'd
think it was the way.
Your heart grew claws
that latched on to my skin
and I wore your obsession
like an overcoat that smells like
mothballs because I was ashamed
to wear it for so long.

And I wrote you
eighty page love notes filled with
all of my nonsensical prose just
so you'd never know exactly
what it is I dream.

And at night I'd pretend
you're lying next to me, a warm
presence for a stiff like me.
And for once my cheeks
would be rose and my
eyes a little lighter,
but in the morning
you're never there
and I am only
human
once again.

And I swear to God
I’m nothing like I used to be,
Covered in scars and razor-marks
The likes your band-aids
Would never cover.
And I am not the person
That you fell in love with
While we spouted Spanish
Adjectives
We found amusing at 16.
And I hold loneliness
Closer to my half-beating
Heart
Than I used to do in greater days.
You didn’t see me walk along the line
Where one side held
Hope and betrayal
And the other brought madness
And excitement to my door.
You didn’t see the battle
Raging every night inside my head.
You only saw the tears I blamed on other things.
So I hope you know
I’m not the one you think you love.
I’m only talented
In changing masks
At all of the right times.