You taught me what this feels like
and then how it feels to lose it
You showed me who I wanted
and then who I wasn't.
You ticked every box
and drew a line.
You weren't mine to begin with
and then not to end with.
You looked like everything I wanted
and then became something I hated.
You get thought of almost every day
and at that
not in a good way.
You let me leave
and I'm happy you did.
Then you almost killed me
but I didn't die.
You broke my heart into pieces
but I put them back together.
And now it's a shield
it keeps the bad feelings out.
You threw my trust in the dirt
stomped on it and spit.
I picked it up off the ground
washed it's scars and
hung it to dry.
And it's still scarred forever.
And so am I.
And it's still hard.
But I didn't die.

Seventh grade came in bad Polaroid shots
Ticket stubs
And stupid sayings.
It came with destroyed friendships
Mean girls
And eating alone in the bathroom.
It came with one sided love
Longing for his affection
And a broken heart.
It came bursting in with self hatred
Broken self esteem
And sliced skin around both wrists.
It was infected with hospital visits
Two week stays
And an I.V. drip in my left arm.
It cracked with poetry
Notebook pages covered in tears
And sad music to make it worse.
It slowed with a new friend
A place to belong
And unsure feelings.
It grew with Jesus
Christian camp
And a few adults I called my  personal saviors.
It healed with a best friend
Phone calls
And seven boys I loved dearly.
It left with self confidence
Band aids  
Plane tickets
Baseball games
And a whole new love.

He told her how he never felt noticed
So she made it her job to always notice everything about him.
He told her he likes talking while kissing
So she made up poems in her head
One about excitement
And one about happiness
To whisper to him in the tangle of lips and tounge.
He expressed his envy towards her
How he also wanted to live in the moment
Just as she did
So she made it her duty to plan ahead to make sure
He could feel free.
He told her about heartbreaks
and how bad they hurt him
So she made sure to always have an extra supply of love and scotch tape
So if his heart gets broken he can tape the pieces together
And if that doesn't work
He can have her love
To see if it will heal him.  
He told her about how she made him feel safe
Like she'd always be there for him
So she super glued her hand to his
So he'd always be with her
And always feel safe.

lips like magnets
hands like puzzle pieces
eye contact unshakable  
I lean forward
bite your bottom lip
looking for solace in your kisses,
but you pull away.
I am wrapped around you
my  bare thighs embracing your **** hips
our stomachs pressed together
yours strong against my hills and valleys
our hearts talking to one another
through synchronized heartbeats.
my elbows are perched upon your shoulders
hands tickling your hair as your nose
presses against mine
causing a ripple of shivers down my spine
at the realization of something starting.
once again you pull away
and I push my face towards yours
begging to be kissed.
you touch your lips my cheek
and then my jaw
you connect the dots from the scar under my chin
to the winged curve of my collar bone.
I lean back as you trace my neck
moving down the lines of my muscle
you kiss me across my chest
and with every peck my longing for your lips on mine
becomes stronger.
you return to your starting point
and pull away
leaving me whining and pulling at your hair
asking for that taste
that your lips allow
you sit back against the pillows and look at me
tuck my hair behind my ears
and sit up fast
pulling my face to yours again.
our lips make contacts with full force
mine mold into the long memorized shape of yours
fitting perfectly in the nooks and crannies.
almost instantaneously
our tongues shake hands
and I wrap both my arms around the back of your head
fingers lost in your tangle of hair
I kiss you harder
squeezing tighter
the space between smaller
urging our lips closer
love and passion mixing in the fiery heat between us
and I’m wishing more than anything to never stop.
on we go
with this dance our lips have memorized.
when we finally finish
our lips are chapped
tired from this exercise
I fall back onto your chest
and there I lay
exhausted but
satisfied.

I miss you more than anything
I miss you like M for
M e m o r i e s
like the time we painted the walls of my room lavender and
danced to music that reminded us of
love.
I miss you like I for
I n t e n s e
like how my love for you was so profound
my heart leapt when you sang and
it shattered when you cried.
like how I always wanted you closer
hugging tighter
kissing deeper
my arm wrapped around the back of your neck so I never had
to let you go.
I miss you like S for
S c a r e d
like how I was terrified to watch you walk down the hall
after we ended things the first time.
like how I'm scared of my feelings
scared of wanting you back.
I miss you like S for
S c a r s
Like the identical scars we both have on
our hearts
that remind of how things used to be
and how different they are from now.
like the scars that we healed from that time
when we both bled out
slicing ourselves deep to feel the pain
rush out of our bodies like an exhale.
I miss you like
c o m e
b a c k
t o
m e
"I'm sorry," you say " but I just can't do that."

now he says "I miss you more than anything"
he misses me like   M   for
Makeout
like the way he awkwardly mistakes the sloppiness for passion.
he misses me like   I   for
I like you
like in the way that he feels it
stronger than I ever will.
he misses me like   S   for
Saturdays
because to him, the days without me
go by so slowly.
he misses me like   S   for
songs
like the songs that remind him of me
taking his heart at fifteen
loving everything about me
I'm sorry, but I just don't feel that way.

please take me
capture me with the sound of your voice
mark me with a purple blemish along the curve of my neck and
in return I'll mark you
with a soft hand
and a light giggle
please take me
plant the taste of your tongue in my mouth
and leave a letter to the editor
on the inside of my lip
in the form of bite marks

we  become our cigarettes
filter through them
morphing into transparent  beings like the
smoke that rises from our lips
we inhale the toxins to feel alive
we trip over our own breath
our thoughts become flammable lucid dreams
that lick at the edges of our palpable pain
we burn the filter to filter our thoughts from reality and
we give up the fire from our eyes and our souls to
light the glorified matchsticks that **** us in the end