The fall, in itself, can be so painstakingly long and drawn out so why is it that getting back up is the hardest part.

Fighting to shield your soul from the pain of that impact, desperately trying to spare yourself from bearing  witness as the pieces of your life chaotically fly apart.

My castle is my safe Haven  and at the same time, this my fortress ,stifles so many parts of me  behind its imposing walls of stone.

I find solace in my  sequestration, able to hide from this cold world, but at what cost, I wonder as I sit shivering upon my lonely throne.

The sound of the words that failed to escaped my lips is  echoing with deafening force throughout these empty halls.

For this moment, however, I must find the courage to rise again , I tell myself at some point everyone, even the strongest warrior eventually falls.

In the wake of my self destruction, when i thought all hope had escaped my reach , a whisper of a voice came calling deep with in the night.

Softly wrapping me up in tender words of encouragment, unbeknownst to me this voice had a goal to vanquish all my self-hatred by gently nudging me to rise up and  fight.

Willing me to stand and face the devilish hauntings that are relentlessly  stalking me ,constanly tring to creep through the past's closed door.

Pushing me to believe in my self and my inner strenght, validating that i can no longer hide from the shadows of uncertainty nor fear what they have in store.

Make no mistake it is painfully obviouse that I have only been treading water barely keeping my head above the surface just waiting for the current t o drag me under.


Stiffin up that upper lip and walk with your held held up high, almost maternally spoke this whisper of a voice, which is  now reigning down like thunder .

I wish that there was a way that made sense for me to show you all of the chaotic nonsense that is lingering along side of me inside my already crowded head.

There are days when i just want to laugh at the silliest things and wear my smile for all the world to see, other days I get trapped in the darkness and I dread the idea of leaving the sanctity of my bed.

Sometimes I feel like all the noise cluttering this world has over run me and is now squatting un welcomed inside my skin and it is enough to drive me mad.

Then in the blink of an eye the nothingness gains back its control and the silence locks me in with my tormented thoughts and memories making me long for the noise I once had.

Like most in this world I have longed to find my One, the missing piece to my puzzle , but i fear my puzzle is defective and I do not deserve the same love back that I wish to give to only you.

Who is this person hidden behind my eyes, she is passionate, firery and can at times be quite playful intertwined with this introverted, angry, and sad entity that has lost her way, not knowing what to do.

Im am drowning in the uncertainty of half the time feeling alone like there is no one that would understand me while I secretly pray  that they don't make it past my defensive wall.

Pushing people away is how I have always made sure I was safe, it is what I have done best, but beneath the scars of my heart I  have been waiting for you to protect me from the scattering debris when inevitably my wall begins to fall.

I remember looking into your eyes and realizing how I was now responsible for this beautiful little life, thirteen years later our connection is so much stronger, as cliche as it may sound.

Your are truly my rae of sunshine, no matter how dark my life can be with out a doubt  it most definitely starts to lighten up the moment that you come around.

I've memorized your smile and each and every little freckle on  your sweet face and only you truly know when i need my space and when to snuggle up close cuz i need you to stay.

I just could not shake the uneasy feeling lingering in  my mind, I now wish that i had listened to my hearts warning for it must have sensed the tragic events that were still to come that  day.

Startled and confused I am awaken from a deep sleep by a sound that starts off a million miles away and steadily grows, a lump caught in my throat as  answered the phone.

His voice angrily shouts commands but all I hear the panicked cries from her, Mommy I'm so sorry I should not have taken them, Mommy I need you, Daddy stop screaming at me just leave me alone.

My mind turning completely numb I am not sure but some how I reacted: What hospital, When and what did she take and if you do not to screaming at her I warned, my adrenaline rushing as we flew out the door.

An hours drive stood between me and my sweet little Sunshine - Rae, I almost lost my baby by her own hand, my mind kept replaying her walking out the door for the weekend, as she turned from the car door with her scrunched up lil nose and said " No Momma I love you more"

If only there was a way that I could take pieces of you and put them in place of the distorted parts that spread their pollution inside of me.

It amazes me how your sadness never kept you down ,no matter how tremendous it was, your strength is all that you would allow the outside world to see.

I wish i could mimic the kindness that you used to show to so many , even to those that repeatedly and intentionally tried to beat down your lovely soul.

If only i could have bathed myself in your charisma or the ability you had to keep moving forward instead of getting swallowed up by misery's black hole.

I imagine myself painting this dark world with the many splendid colors that once poured out from with in your beautiful heart.

I've longed to be able imitate the sparkle that for so long  filled your eyes, only if i were able to use these pieces of you to better myself , but with so much allure I am not sure where to start.