I'm on the rocks; on the edge
and off balance; off kilter
I'm going to fall
and then I'm going to land
somewhere on my head
upside down and right side up
or maybe backwards
or in another dimension
and maybe the other me will be better
and more put together
or maybe I'm the same in all realms
and if that's so then I'm hopeless...

I'd
Like
To
Describe
Your
Beauty
But
You
Are
Ineffable

You sat on the edge
of the low wall
in Rockingham Street
opposite Meadow Row

Janice sat beside you
in her red beret
and black coat
buttoned up

to her throat
against the evening chill
and you
in your cowboy hat

and old coat
with your 6 shooter
(capped gun)
in the inside pocket

the sky is thick with stars
Janice said
looking upward
like God threw small diamonds

into the black expanse
reminds me of the time
You said
when I was with my old man

outside Guy’s Hospital
and he left me outside
with my sister
while he went in

to see my mother
who was about to have babies
and I looked up
at the sky that evening

and it was like that
and it seemed
so big and wide
and I remember thinking

how I could get lost there
if I were a spaceman
looking out
of the spaceship window

at the stars
and moon and such
I could have been with you
Janice said

and have got you
food and drink for the voyage
I don’t know
You said

girls don’t get to go
on space voyages do they?
I guess not
she said sighing

but maybe
I could be the first to go
she added smiling
sure you could

but not with your red beret
You said
she laughed
and looked up

Meadow Row
at the street lamps
and the glow they made
on the pavements

and narrow road
and she pointed
at some kids
outside the public house

half way up the road
and said
Gran wouldn’t leave me
outside a pub like that

while she went drinking
you gazed up the road
and saw the kids outside
one in a pram

one sitting
on the low wall
eating out
of a packet of chips

my mother said
it happened a lot
in her days
when she was a kid

but she never was
You said
Janice tucked her hands
under her armpits

to keep them warm
against the evening cold
I better go
she said

Gran will wonder
where I am
ok
You said

I’ll walk you back
and so you both
got off the wall
and walked up

Rockingham Street
to where she lived
with her gran
in an upstairs flat

and she blew you
a kiss from the balcony
and that
was pretty much that.

In keeping with tradition, stranger,
we will walk past one another and
not say a word.

I’ll glance nervously at converse on the
weedy walk; you’ll distract yourself
a nearby bird.

I’ll never know how you’ll cry alone
between linens tonight because you
realized you feel nothing.

You’ll never know how I pacify myself
with myths and lies just to keep
my composition.

We’ll both be lonely and never know
why. We both will always ache for
something we can’t name.

I spoke to the sky today
a steel plate pressing me
I have not heard from her
something about the absence of sun
weighs too much
so I spoke to the sky today
I know all the reasons
the patterns and formations
and permutations
chaos theory
the science of highs and lows
explain to me
attraction to the sun
the way a leaf turns to it
by what will
she decides when she appears
I hugged my coat
by its pockets
I spoke to the sky today
and I told it to depart

So I heard once that there’s always
some gnarly looking carrot
in every bag of carrots
and you’re supposed make a wish on it
if you get it.
But I didn’t have a bag of veggies
I had a jar of Gumby and Poki
shaped gummies.

Finally the day came when there
were only two Gumbys left.
One was bent in half and
smashed together
and the other looked as all the rest had.
I pulled out the sad little gummy and
made a wish
like it was some ugly carrot.
I wished my crush would kiss me,
And giddily I walked to a coffee house
because I was hoping he would be there
even though I sternly told myself that
he had no reason to be there.
I found the coffee house closed and knew
my wish wasn’t happening that night.

I talked with a friend about my woes
and she confessed her heartache.
We smiled and laughed and died
just a little on the inside.
We had hoped that in college we wouldn’t
feel like middle school girls
with unrequited crushes.

The next day he dropped off a fish
(and this is no euphemism
or pretty poetry slang,
I opted to fish-sit while
he went home for break).
After he left, and
feeling more than silly
I took out the last Gumby
and pretended.
I pretended that it was every wish
on a boy I had made
since I realized boys weren’t
completely disgusting.
On my way to class
I held the little gummy in my
frozen, clenched fist
and wished
that’d he’d kiss me before he left.
I made it really specific
because every movie I’d ever seen
with genies in it had taught me that
specifics were key to avoiding
mishap and mayhem.

Obviously, it didn’t come true.
And I feel like I’m back in middle school,
wishing on ugly carrots and stars
that look suspiciously like airplanes.
Everyone has crushes,
and still more wishes.
Why I thought
at the age of nineteen
when the glamour of Disney-endings
and romantic-comedy plots
had tarnished to realism,
that a Gumby gummy prayer
would come true,
well I’m not entirely sure.

Maybe it’s no matter how old you are
there are always ugly carrots
and shooting stars
and fast airplanes
and romantic comedies
and gummies in the shape of
kids’ show characters.
Maybe no matter how disappointed I am
there will always be unrequited crushes
and genies for wishes
and God for prayers
and heaven forbid
hope.

We build bridges.

Like links of hope

between strangers

who wish to have known each other better.

Like ways to write a letter

even if we are lost out and within the sea

when she is not so calm.

Waves break against my edges.

Solid, crash filled, and lighter than none.

When the stillness is all we are after

I clutch to the shipwrecks we made;

shifting through memories

and trying to find anything that still matters

left floating on these scattered life raft tatters.


Way out, away from the centering moon

I call to you

between dark waves and

stretched out in all ways and directions

with every bit of space for breath I have

just to see if you will long for me;

bent breaths with loose lungs expand and

Call to me, just to tell me,

“I Love you too."

Because that’s all it takes to pull me through

the icy shadows that lunge for me.

Part the space between the waves and run for me

so that I can watch the sunset

ignite spirit and burst fire in your eyes;

a cosmic light to burn through the lies.

Again for the last time.

Until the next time

you come home to my lips

and the way they crash waves with yours.

Enough that we build bridges

to find our way back to the shores

that made us wish so much for the ocean.


Right now,

I’m acknowledging the fact that

I may be just some dock that your heart can find home in for a little while.

While you’re in the gravity of my soul

Like the tides our lips pull together.

Far away from forever,

but I know it for a measure,

in your cyclical return...