if you should ever be so lucky to experience a heartbreak
you should know the feeling is excruciating
it is two pieces of velcro ripping apart
it is sinking
and shredding
it is screaming at the top of your lungs
and sobbing in the same sentence
it is brutal and you will not come unchanged
you will cry for 100 hours when he leaves you
you will feel reborn every 4 days for the rest of time,
but on the 3rd day it will always be rock bottom
it will always be shaking on the bathroom floor
and voicemails and nausea
youll learn to let the feelings pass

For 5 years you fed me
With a silver spoon
At least 3 times a day

I didn’t know how good I had it
Until I was hungry again

When I was 19 with seven dollars to my name
You brought me grilled cheese
And donuts with sprinkles
And other sweet little nothings
For me to digest

You filled my plate
You left space at the table
I was nourished
I was was never full

I was greedy
I wanted every last bite

When I was 24 and full enough
You fed me your dreams
You said eat it up baby
And I did

I swallowed them whole
I felt them slide down my throat
They’ve been sitting at the pit of my stomach ever since

When you swallow bubble gum
It doesn’t leave your gut for years
I still feel the heaviness inside me

The cotton candy artificial flavoring
Bright pink and nostalgic
But really just an accumulation
Of all the parts that had gone to waste
The remnants of a carcass

I still full
Still thankful to have had this meal

When I try to feed you
A returning of all the favors
I crush up my favorite parts of me
Hoping to sit inside you for years to come

But you take the spoon into your mouth  and wince
Your face turns red
I can see you’re not breathing
Not reaching for help either

I try to give you the Hielmlic
To get back what I had given way
Maybe had I presented it better
Red and shiny and sweet
Maybe then we wouldn’t be here
Choking
Empty
Alone

We had been at sea for what felt like decades
In a tiny boat the size of a life raft
we sat for weeks on end in silence
just staring
hoping to see land before insanity
the incessant picking has always been a problem
my thumbs, his downfalls
and now, this boat
almost unconsciously I began to pick at the lining
until tiny little holes started to let water in
I tried to avoid it
sit on the holes
fill them with fabric
I took the shirt off my back to try to save the ship
he looked at me as if to say, good luck with that
instead, he said he had to get to work
he stood up in the boat like getting off the train
and walked straight into the water
I've lost track of how long ago that was
But I'm still here, clinging to what was once mine
to what is drowning me slowly

In the event that you don’t leave me
I will always make the bed
I will wash the dishes,
hang the t-shirts,
match the socks
I will throw out my receipts
I will memorize all your freckles
I swear by my ability to remember the lyrics that
I will always give it my all
Which is to say that sometimes I forget the lyrics -
And while, yes, I am chronically lazy
I vow to never waste another moment in your sunshine -
A morning at your side
Or a midnight half asleep retainer kiss
I will save the episode
And the last cookie
I will always be saving your place.
I will celebrate you
I will look at the photo next to my bed
as I have for the last half decade
And say
“thank you
Thank you
I’m sorry
Forgive me
I can do better
Don’t leave “
A mantra

no one has ever seen me like this before
actually seen me
not just looking
and just thinking
you see me
like i can only barely see myself
you know
and i see you
and I'm no longer afraid

i stripped myself down
i stood there naked and cold
you looked at me and smiled
but then you turned around

i keep trying to tell myself
that i don't need you
and you were wrong
im stronger
please god say I'm stronger
than this