I tell myself
that I have not fallen for you.

I tell my friends
that I have it under control.

Do I though?
Tell me,
is it a lie?

I place barriers
to avoid getting hurt by you,

but what hurts the most
is that someone you broke through.

the barriers I place
are a lie.

it's too late
to try and relocate them

because the truth is
it's been a lie the whole time.

no one understands it
my friends say that you're wrong for me
my sisters say you don't deserve me

but no one knows the whole story,
not even you,
only me.
I'm by myself.

I'm on my own
struggling with these feelings.
I wish I had know what I was getting myself into
when I started things with you.

but let's be honest,
I still would have done it.
you draw me in
and I can't resist.

they say that they would always be there
but now I need them more than ever
and they shut me out because I chose you,
again.

when I go to them
they don't tell me what I need to hear
but to be honest
I don't know what I need

all I know is that I want you back
but I can't let you in
so I'm by myself
trying to figure this out

I gave you so many
how much more do you want
because the scary thing is
I know that if you ask for another
I will give it to you

I told them.

you should have seen the looks they gave me
you should have heard the things they said to me

if you did
then you would know how much I am sacrificing for you

I guess these are the consequences of falling for you.

you said I brought the light back into your life.
but ask yourself this. . .
why is the darkness suffocating me now?

why is it that so many people struggle with this concept?
including me.

wondering if you will ever be enough,
for someone else,
or for yourself.

what does it take,
to be happy. . . enough,
to be pretty. . . enough,
to be good enough.

tell me,
what does it take?

the end had to come eventually.

my friends warned me from the beginning
that it was coming.

who knew my heart would break
on the eleventh day of the second month.

they say sooner is better than later,

but I wish we had more time.

would it have hurt more or less,
if it happened in the third or fourth month?

things changed that night,
but I thought for the better.

I thought we were moving forward,
not erasing everything we've been through as if it never happened.

the eleventh day of the second month.

the day everything ended.

so many different meanings
and so many people.

girlfriends who gossip
and share intimate secrets.
friends from home
who I miss more than anything.
new friends
who know about me than anyone.

I told you about everyone.
I just never thought I fit into this category for you.

is this how you treat a friend?

I warned you about this,
I said physical stuff mattered.

so do you not care about your friends feelings?
that is what it seems like.

friend is not the word I would use to describe you,
ever.

Especially now.

something we do for ourselves,
no one else.

it made me nervous to show you me without my protection
but I did it
and you told me I was beautiful.

but tell me one thing,
am I beautiful crying on the floor
with makeup dripping down my face
all because of you?

everyone makes mistakes,
it's how we learn.

the hard thing is to not let them define you
but this seems impossible,
especially now.

my friends said you were a mistake from the beginning,
but I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I am giving you another chance,
please don't make them right again.

something happened

I thought I was getting better
but the thoughts of you consume me even more frequently than before

now I want you even more
now I thing about what we could be if I hadn't said that one thing
now I wonder if there's someone else
now I don't know if I even have a chance

no one has said the words,
but it feels like it is over.

the space between us keeps growing wider and wider.

I am wondering what you're going to do to stop it,
if anything.

no one has said the words,
so why does it feel like it's over?

it all came out at once.

an avalanche of emotions
so powerful it consumed me.

I did not experience pain until that night.

all I wanted was you,
to hold you, touch you, kiss you.

but you weren't there for me that night.

my friends say it was terrible
and that I was inconsolable.

I let everything out that I was holding in that night.

I wish it happened differently,
or not at all.

but I wonder what would have happened if you were there that night

it was so easy for you to walk away from the idea of us.
I wish I could say the same.

when I'm with you
all the fear goes away
and all I want is you.

but when you're gone it is unbearable
I feel empty
and the fear comes crawling back in.

now you've left for good
and all I am left with is
this feeling.

one
two
three

I count three.
but only one meant something.

now that one is gone and the number is irrelevant.
just that one matters to me.

I wonder about this a lot.

what if we met a month later?
what if you were ready?
what if something else hadn't just ended?

what if
what if
what if

I guess what they say is true. . .

timing really is everything.

writing.
it's just words on a page.
how can something so simple be so powerful?
I guess I have you to thank for this
because without the pain you caused,
I never would have any words to put on the page.

one word
two syllables
so much meaning
so many emotions

a little piece of me shatters every time someone says it
even if they are not talking about you

who knew a name could have such an effect on me