it all came out at once.

an avalanche of emotions
so powerful it consumed me.

I did not experience pain until that night.

all I wanted was you,
to hold you, touch you, kiss you.

but you weren't there for me that night.

my friends say it was terrible
and that I was inconsolable.

I let everything out that I was holding in that night.

I wish it happened differently,
or not at all.

but I wonder what would have happened if you were there that night

I wonder about this a lot.

what if we met a month later?
what if you were ready?
what if something else hadn't just ended?

what if
what if
what if

I guess what they say is true. . .

timing really is everything.

why is it that so many people struggle with this concept?
including me.

wondering if you will ever be enough,
for someone else,
or for yourself.

what does it take,
to be happy. . . enough,
to be pretty. . . enough,
to be good enough.

tell me,
what does it take?

the end had to come eventually.

my friends warned me from the beginning
that it was coming.

who knew my heart would break
on the eleventh day of the second month.

they say sooner is better than later,

but I wish we had more time.

would it have hurt more or less,
if it happened in the third or fourth month?

things changed that night,
but I thought for the better.

I thought we were moving forward,
not erasing everything we've been through as if it never happened.

the eleventh day of the second month.

the day everything ended.

so many different meanings
and so many people.

girlfriends who gossip
and share intimate secrets.
friends from home
who I miss more than anything.
new friends
who know about me than anyone.

I told you about everyone.
I just never thought I fit into this category for you.

is this how you treat a friend?

I warned you about this,
I said physical stuff mattered.

so do you not care about your friends feelings?
that is what it seems like.

friend is not the word I would use to describe you,
ever.

Especially now.

I tell myself
that I have not fallen for you.

I tell my friends
that I have it under control.

Do I though?
Tell me,
is it a lie?

I place barriers
to avoid getting hurt by you,

but what hurts the most
is that someone you broke through.

the barriers I place
are a lie.

it's too late
to try and relocate them

because the truth is
it's been a lie the whole time.