i'm guilty.
i have the world expecting so much of me
but all i want to do is run.
i'd never claim status as a full blown addict,
but i have an overwhelming urge to go numb.

i know, it's dumb.
silly me, i lost a brother not a son
so it shouldn't be as hard for me.
at least that's what is implied,
what the world makes it seem.
I am supposed to endure my pain
while being strong for dad and mommy.

**** it, fine. I'll be strong this time.
So when you're all feeling fantastic
I'll just destress alone in the backseat
of a car filling discreetly
with carbon monoxide, i'll goto sleep
as it creeps into my lungs slowly.

maybe I'll run off to the carolina's,
with a recently seperated married man.
commit myself to a tragic relationship.
See what ******* drama comes out of it.

Or I could participate in the norm and
go use my insurence cards.
meet a good doctor to
Explain my anxiety's and get a script written up,
.50 Xanex and self adjust my dosages.
float myself into bliss.
It'd be just like old times...
Slow me down enough to see the beauty in it all,
until i run out and have to come back up.

I expressed my intention
I explained my desire
I stressed how this wasn't going to change.

I said all this then
I shared my secrets, let you in.
I let you cuddle after ***,
I answered your phones calls every night.

I watched you fall in love so
I flirted with your friends for fun.
I got ****** when you got jealous
I got bored with your "possesiveness".

I sat you down and said stop bothering me.
I was pleased with my "assertivness".

I laughed behind your back
at your reaction to a broken heart.
I justified my cruelty quite beautifully.



I havn't slept in a week....
I'd like to say I had a revival of conescience
but I know i just got lonely.
So I called you, got you drunk and let you touch me.

I just spent an hour wrestling a dead man.
After the family held him and cried “oh, how unexpected!!”.
I poked him in the stomach and gave him an indian burn.
I got yelled at by the nursing supervisor
and told to take him to the morgue.
Before you go, I was told, " keep the eyes moist.",
Family will be giving these to the gift of life.
So I poured on some saline, in a less than respectful fashion.
I guess I was trying to rally a response,
I knew he was dead, what did I expect to happen?

I can’t really figure where I was going with this…
But at the time, my mind was filling-
Being witness to  a pronoucement isn’t new.
Dead bodies I’ve seen plenty.
I’m almost used to hearing family members cry,
but I haven’t felt right since I doused those eyes.

good intentions never guarenteed good results.
good intentions never guarenteed good
good intentions never guarunteed ****

it's what you say during an apology.
it's what you tell yourself so you can lessen guilt.

I singled you out
under the guise of a friend.
I let you trust me
because we all want to believe.
I let you love me
because I needed the raise in self esteem.

I stayed at your house cause I hate sleeping alone.
I went to dinner because I couldn't afford food.


You started to trust me
and I felt ashamed

You said I was beautiful
I felt ugly


You said you knew me
and I felt like a liar.

You said I was acting strange
and I called you crazy

You said I was pushing away
I told you "so what?"

You wondered what happened...
I felt disgust.

In a moment of guilt I told you it was me,
I told you I was crazy.
I admited I was playing head games with the weak minded
and like a fool you
accepted my apologies.

i have 4 friends,
solid in shared history.
and no matter how much i try
they won't make new memories with me.

i have 4 friends,
solid in shared history.
and no matter how much i try
they won't make new memories with me.

The coca-cola truck was outside today.
I had some free time so I stole it.
I rolled through the streets of my ****** island,
causing some well deserved destruction.

I may have killed a ******
but it was probably for the best.
Who wants to live with one leg anyway?

I had swerved into a hydrant,
freezing water pounded a ferel cat into a storm drain.
But I had too!
Otherwise my neighbor Russ would have become a pancake.


When I finally learned how to control the truck
I stopped at the local liquor store.
I grabbed a sixer of Rolling Rock
and payed with 28 quarters.
I told big Pat to please keep the change,
I Knew she saw the damage I had done on the way.
But she's an old timer,
These things don't phase her.
She just smiled and asked if-
I wanted a brown paper bag or plastic?