I never had            rose petals
placed in my head
or a *******
                         sappy romance
just concrete
bricks
scraping my back
every time your
body
tensed up and swayed
the thoughts
the dead leaves
left alone
to wash down
the drain or
sink into the Earth

I often wonder how
it would've been if
I had
tried to say no
instead of not saying
yes

Giving blood
to make
sense
of letting you
go

Sweat pooled behind my knee
Do bees need to sting?
And didn’t you ever love me
Even if only for a second
I just wanted to know

Why has love become so obsolete?
She asked as the forest floor pierced her feet
Broken homes and collar bones
Never known

A lush land burned by empty beings
To build fire escapes
And something attached called homes
Boxes and rows of superficial success
And fraudulent faces

Your chances are 50/50
maybe less
so why should I be a part of this mess?

Fraudulence
That seems so real
Like the feeling on my finger tips
Brushing water on your cheek

Smile lines
Thick from fake
Please have my heart to take

melting
in warm waters
wasting away
to sin and bone
with you
and letting
life ebb
out of my mouth
gasping for
air
in the most
passionate
of ways

I've never told anyone
About the boy
That lived on the edge
Of my street
Growing up
He was about 4 years older
And
Whenever we'd play
Manhunt in the neighborhood
He'd find me
First and
Shove his tongue down
My throat
And touch me
I was four
He was eight

And I saw him on Facebook
Today with
His three year
Old daughter
In his arms
And now my
Throat hurts so much

Your heart ticked like
               an open time    
                        bomb
Beneath my swollen finger tips.
                I gazed into  
                        your star filled
face and smiled.

I couldn't help it  
           Your body was singing beneath my grasp
                       and your heart beat shook mine
We're in tune
         In time
            you said.
I'll believe you
                                       Until the record starts to skip

this morning
i tasted
purple and white
as the sun rose
and i watched
a coworker
pour 4
sugar packets
into their coffee
by 11 my veins were pumping
yellow
and black
i was buzzing
i was electric
driving home
at 90 miles
fueling flames
and taking names

by 3 my breath
stood idle
in red
dancing around the
start
waiting
waiting
and then by 4 my eyes
turned green
in pure bliss
bending
twirling
kissing
then with your
face to her ear


by 8
i dove into blue
i dove into black
when I remembered
sometimes I feel
there aren't any bridges here
for this gap

by ten
I turned off the lights
and sat
with the wings
you gave me
in my hand.

Achy
Like when I chew my nails
Too short
Bursting blood vessels
At the tips
The pads of my fingers
Sensitive to
The touch
And my heart
Gently
And painfully
Beating underneath

I say this because
I noticed you bite your nails too
And maybe
One day you’ll meet me
Where I am

I guess it starts as a flame
Burning,
Bursting with energy
Melting the wax
Deterioating skin cells
Sick cells
Emotion and mind
It makes you stupid
Makes you insane
Makes you love
Makes you black, white, and a sickening red
And when the symptoms of infection start showing
When the blisters start oozing
And when the pain is unbearable
Put out the flame
Let your wax return to a solid state
But I warn you
Love leaves deformities
Leaves loving deformities
Puckered lines that are painfully friendly and painful reminders.

sometimes
i dip my
hair in herbal
soaks
in hopes
of turning
into
crumbly
man made
nature
and putrid
performances
of morals

when birds begin to
lose feathers
they sit
in red
they wallow in home
in nettles
and leaves
and hair from brushes

they bathe in
bones
and rosewater

Have I ever told you about
my wax heart
Melting at the sound
of your half
smoked
slightly ******
Soul
I drip
I trickle
all the way down
your scarred chin
Hoping
that you
might-
one of these days-
     let me
win

I killed you but I never touched your soul
I never drilled that hole
I never even wanted to take that kind of toll
You came to me
You made us one, two, three
And then I was out
We were through
And I never meant to bring this all to you.
Time was up
You were done
And I,
Myself,
Handed you the gun.

Love seems
that it's half way
unconscious
like
burn on my cheeks
whenever I see
my lover
smile
and
halfway a choice
to be respect
the other
and their emotions
even if that
means
accepting the
fact
they may never
really ever love you back.

we were emaciated; ruined  
much like the twisted silence at the foot of your bed
a hollow battle field where our hearts would lay
and in nooks of tangled legs and distraught blankets
our secrets would hide

then at night fall they would dissapate
into the cage we called a home,
to poison the atmosphere already swollen
with ambigious thoughts and supressed dreams
  
we wait for rain
and we wait for the sun
but never reach into the atmosphere

so like our secrets we lay dormant
in our monotonous routines
and our open eyed sleep

sometimes
i'm reminded
about the mineral
mounds within
my brain
and

sometimes
those reminders
are me running
off of the road
in hopes
to
die a
little bit
again.

God isn't a face
isn't a finite place
no bird by mouth
or word by flight
quit trying to fit the universe into your shoe box
darling and          

through energy in the simplest of ways
started light in days.

you tell me
that we should
take things
slow
and I hope slow
is sweet like
how your words trickle
out of your mouth

I hope it's
lasting like
the smell of smoke
on your jacket at 3 am

and I hope
it's honest like
how it feels
legs tangled up in each other
and I'm awake counting shadows
on your ceiling

thinking that I've heard
of slow before
but it didn't quite feel
anything like you.

i like the way
your face creases
creep out from under
your glasses
around your eyes
when you smile

I'm a waste
(More or less just breathing space)
Florescent bulb
Midnight pulp
Synchronized sinking
And one brain gulp

Our time is short, sweet,
And something bitter in between
Scratched glasses
And a baby soft sixteen

If I could I'd
walk away
And I wouldn't even
think
twice
if I could I
would let go of
my heart
Because I know it
feels too much
For every
dying being around
Me (they are really just
Pests)
But for some
Reason I like
Malnourishing
My heart
for some reason
I like
to hurt
And maybe
Just maybe
In 23 hours
I'll be able to
Leave
To walk away from
You

Its more likely
that I wont

ruffled curtains
and thousands of
cigarette butts
inside carved containers
lined up
stacked
in rows
crumpled into
callous faces
swept up
and uncovered

pusillanimous
hearts
and heavy lips
skinny coke
cheeks
and art
degrees

this performance
has been
your best
piece yet

There is a light trapped in her room
Where old cigarettes stain
the yellow walls
With a putrid
placidity
Not natural
not her own
like the rows on her hips
that wont fade
or the love stuck
to her already puckered lips
she can talk
but wont quit

It's deeper than that
she says
yet the atmospheric
pressure is still
and her mind

chaotic

  calm

      chaotic

             calm



                       crash

my teeth crumbled
                        and
                      tumbled out of my mouth
      moon mask
why do you
bleed     green                blood?
              manifested
                lumps in my veins
    time can only tell
how    long        death              might                              take

Void
Without any contents; empty.
Falling asleep feeling under my skin
Subsistence
The state or fact or existing.
Or nothing at all

It's far easier
to believe
that you never really loved me at all
than to drown in the fact
that I just couldn't
keep you
or maybe I just
didn't deserve you quite
like I had imagined

For some reason tonight I feel depressed
like there is a dark nebula forming inside of me.
I know that sounds stupid,
but it's how I picture it in my lungs,
asphyxiating me from inside,
melting my solid structure,
then gently pressing me into the earth,
and the whole time my heart is beating,
                                                        ­  beating,
                                                      ­      beating,
                                                  ­            until it just comes to a slow halt.
And I wonder what it's like to die alone?

Even equilibrium
and equal weight

right brained
and left minded

light feet
but heavy hearted

tragic beauty
with uniform grisly grins

stuck
moving too quickly

poetic justice
and lyrical sin

I balance

the yin
             the yang

the pure
               the soiled

the fertile
                 the barren

the empty
and full






well...
at least I try

"I understand that your skin was soft and this is how it was supposed to be
but I'm still sorry" he waded silently through the crushed velvet waves
This made me think of all the skeleton keys
and the flowers just inside my walls, things buried too deep
I thought about how I wanted those things to stay hidden
Probably until my late 20's when I'll look back on my teenage years
And see every mistake in brightest light I can
And the corners of my mouth would feel warm, I'd smile.
"I take responsibility for what I've done... For what we've done.
I don't hate you, but I don't think we should really have any sort of relationship.  Just because I've accepted what happened doesn't mean
I don't feel my heart sink when I think about it, and it's been
What, two years? I don't know when that's going to change... or even if it will."
I replied struggling through quicksand that was far too familiar, but for some reason completely different this time.
He understood why I wanted things this way
We parted with a few simple words wishing each other the best.
And that was all.
But oh how badly I wanted things to change.

How simple would it be if I were a tree?
My only worry would be growing
And bathe in sunlight one should see
How simple would it be if I were a tree

Tall and beautiful; aesthetically bright
For who sees trees and sticks their nose in the air?
Who shouts at the top of their lungs
"How awful! God did not want that there!"

How simple would it be if I were a tree

It's not a slow descent
It's a rapid
Fire
Fast drop
Swift sinking
Where
My heart
Is thrown into
My feet
As soon
As I set
My eyes
On you
My brain
Bubbles over
And a huge grin
Blooms

It's funny too
It's the same
Heart dropping
Feeling
I have
When emptiness
Takes hold
Only it's not slow
not too much
Aching
Just toasty waters
And fear
Of green eyed
Grief

Sink teeth
like ships         in my hands
                             one moment
                                with you
                                   d r i p s
              through conscious
coughs and
carefully
                climbing
                carbon

i want you
to drink me
   like smoke
      ribbons
through
your straw
in my neck

won't you
carry me
until you
forget?

i don't want to be
your inbetween
but i don't mind
staying in between
your sheets
skinny
loveless
laying in
spoon fed
lover's lies

i don't want to be
your inbetween
but i don't mind
keeping your company
on cool nights
cold lights
i don't want to be
your transitioning
queen

and just because
you don't want to
lose me
that doesn't mean
you get
to keep me

tiles
stacked in rows
of 3 or 4
dust and hair
collected
in a gallery of
memories
like finger
prints on the wall
from the time
you touched
so much more than
the front gates
and with love
lost
I cannot find
comfort
no safety of warm fires
and no protection from rain
just

my empty stomach
full hands

a window
with finger prints
and nose prints
from kids who
press their faces
to glass
and write novels
in the condensation
that collects
from your display
your body
their home
the place
the endless
question and answer
they want to know
your anatomy
your brain
they want to pick at it
like the three
day old scab
that sits just above
your brow
from being
attacked while
walking home from
the bar

but no!
oh god no!
they don't care about that.
they care about
whether or not you'll keep your *******.
as if they are their ******* to decide
they complain you're unnatural
they complain
that god made you this way

What I want to know
is where the
     *******
in the bible
does it say your body is a
                                             cage?

someone stepped on my neck
while I was asleep
and pushed
until my veins
to my brain
were nothing more than
pressed flowers between
chapters of some book
butchered

no blood in the pages
just oceans of emotion
and empty words
to be swallowed
swished around
tasted
spit out
and extracted to ultimate
pretention

my fire is back
whirlwind
wanderer
wistful
whisper
wonderful
woman
my fire is back
and my feet
won't fail
me
this time

i'm a waste
more or less just breathing space
and if you can't tell
by the exhausted look
on my calloused face
i've been here
and i've been there
songs so sweet
so soft like summer
air
subaqueous slumbers
in hell so bare
looked in the face of
love and was told
she did not
care

i told you

I've been right here
and I've been over there.

Crawl through clouds
watching
carbon carrier
sheep
Stumble through
designated dreams
timely turns
at at least
45 degrees

thick smoke
stacked in rows
behind
white fenced faces
and feigned
spaces
There are
two heads here
in four odd places

Cover cracks
with coils
heart tangled
royals

still
      bleeding
like the Earth seeps
carbon carriers
losing air
and trying to fill my
lungs deeper
fuller
trying to
take a look at what
love means
just to catch a glimpse
just to feel
the clutches of
a warm-hearted
half ***
idea of forever
to whisper
3 words
3 syllables
to actually mean it

to hold it in my hands
and watch the warmth melt
freeze
repeat

what is it like?
to hold this
fraudulent thought
in your head for so long
what is it like to
find that forever just walks
                                                                             away?

Perfection.
A sun my wax wings won't reach.
                How?
Struggle and pain and all gain.
                Now?
Ok.
         Find my body washed up on the beach.

umbrellas in bloom
a city rushes like
water down to the bay
my hands sit still
on the coffee table
cupping my drink
watching the canopy
of covered swarms
make their way to
work
it reminds me of
the schools of fish
i used to watch
race around at the aquarium
because
occasionally
there will be one
that seems a little
                                      lost
                      or                             out of place
in the way
they move

It’s 8 am
And I was writing
Poems in my sleep
Perfect prose
If every
Mundane minute
Was at least
A year
Coffee stirrers
And reaching
Into the glove box
For ribbon

8 am and it’s
The third morning I’ve had today

For a moment
My skin fell off of my bones
And the
Warm water clutched by
Your fingertips flickering
Across my form
They send people
To rivers to wash
Away their sins
You sent me to the river
And accidentally
let a little piece
of me in
Locked away

But bare to my bones
For just a moment
It seemed that you're
All I would ever know.