Lately I've been
Thinking about this little girl
That was in the room next to mine
At the state rehab
Facility when I
Was 13
She was always
Crying
And being
Told to wash her face
Use her coping skills
She was 6
And her parents told
Her they were going
Out for
ice cream
Then they dropped her
Off
And she hasn't seen
Them in two weeks
So she's crying
And she's scared
And she's telling this
To a drugged up
Hospital gowned (they took all my clothes at check in)
Preteen
She's scared
I've got scars up
And down my arms

She's scared
And she's crying
And this isn't the ice cream parlor
Down the street
From her suburban home
And this isn't her bed
These aren't her friends
And I don't know why
But I promised her that everything would be ok
And that it was fine to be scared
         her parents were coming back

Everything would be fine
And perhaps there would be pudding
With sprinkles at lunch
Which is pretty close to ice cream.

I wrapped my pinky around
Hers
Half the size
And I promised her all of these things
None of which I really knew
To be true
A nurse came barreling down the hallway
And screamed at me
For interacting with a younger
Girl in a different program
Then they moved her to a different room

I never saw her again
Heard her cry
And I forgot about her
Little blotchy
Swollen face
Crying to me
Throughout the years

Then a few weeks ago
I remembered that you had promised to me
You would always be here
Which you couldn't possibly know
And I thought of the girl
And the ice cream
All of the promises I made

I wondered if I had lied
To her
And I wondered
Why we so often
Make promises
We aren't entirely sure
Will be kept?

long drives are good
for counting
short lived
love letters
lasting
laying waste
In some landfill on the border of
Northern Georgia
dreaming of
three four
crushing concrete columns
and shaking out
some of the weight
you may have left
me in the backseat
of my car.

lips curled in
tucked beneath your
feigned half smile
fraudulent face


if there's anything
i feel i know
it's that always
& forever
consistently find
another place to go

I've always been
stubborn as hell
just like you
and I know we don't
share blood
but we shared
christmas fires
and a fickle set of ****** tires
we made up
a home together
my dad
you and me
one two and
three

I'm stubborn as hell
just like you
and
I'm never going to
be able to get
how you looked at me
the last time I saw your face.

I want to write
A book of poems
But lately words have been
So scarce
However precise
And so painful

All you are
Is a sweet sting
Of everything that
Might have been

i could be a mirror
i could be a mountain
i could be trees above
a 45 foot fountain
i could be a time bomb
tick tick ticking and then
snap

i could be
anything you needed
and everything i'm not

i need to carry

heavy
               things

so i wont feel the


emptiness


of my own weight

I'm going to need
three more chimneys
and a lot of wood
to burn all of
the silver tongued
horse ****
that floats out of
your mouth

i'm a waste
more or less just breathing space
and if you can't tell
by the exhausted look
on my calloused face
i've been here
and i've been there
songs so sweet
so soft like summer
air
subaqueous slumbers
in hell so bare
looked in the face of
love and was told
she did not
care

i told you

I've been right here
and I've been over there.

Feeling your
Fleeting interactions
Freeing my
Foot path
From my heart to yours
Feeling your
Fleeing song birds
Fearing myself
Forgetting your words
Fighting my
Forseen
Future for
I have the world pressed to my palms

Drunk in a DUI checkpoint
And I'm counting
How many drinks I've had
And the hours I've taken
I'm counting breaths
And prose I've written
How many of my own
Words I've bitten
I'm counting how many
Times I've felt this sort
Of hurt
And how many times I've felt as reasonable
Is worse

I'm counting how many stars there are above
And the city of fireflies that I almost wish I'd never heard of

Right now
I feel like
I want to fall asleep
And never wake up

I love
laying on park benches
and breathing
heart beating
watching the sun flutter
from the leaves
casting shadows
and trickling
down her
light to me
I love walking
gratitude in each step
feeling the earth
hug my feet
toe to heel
time to heal
banana bread
banana peel
I love pancakes
and you
more than
I ever thought I might

my arms feel heavy
like lead in my vein
from lust
loveless lasting
on my tongue
from far away
thoughts
I've tried to bury
beneath my bed
winding up
whispering around
my music box
head

hey there little chicken bone
you were left all alone
on the street
with no meat
no piece of me
i know you’re only four years old
not feeling very bold
and you don’t want to go on believing in
love when its not enough
it’s not enough

hey starry eyed
with your sideways smile
and your sharpened teeth
ready to meet some flesh
cause your so **** tough
so **** tough

put em up
pull em out
with your way word dreams
and all the demons
you sing about
put em up
oh pull em out
on the nicotine fiend
and the fighter in your sleep
you drink em out
put em up
root them out
all those demons you sing about

You make me
want to lay on
park benches
and watch the
sun flutter
down through
the leaves
casting shadows
on the ground
which is only familiar to me
the moments you
are not around

he said he's just a man
with teeth tearing God's back
he's running on putrid plaque
fate can't control
a foriegn face
in any unknown
place

Seven
Six split
I keep telling myself
That I'll quit
Eight
Nine
And ten
Somehow I'm back
In bed with you again
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Tell me how to
Surface
Tell me how to be clean
Eleven twelve
And thirteen
I loved you at just a baby soft nineteen

For a moment
My skin fell off of my bones
And the
Warm water clutched by
Your fingertips flickering
Across my form
They send people
To rivers to wash
Away their sins
You sent me to the river
And accidentally
let a little piece
of me in
Locked away

But bare to my bones
For just a moment
It seemed that you're
All I would ever know.

There are no windows here
cold body
mind so near
sink like summer time
sink don't fall
No, no windows
not here

Just empty pages
to be written
and voices to be heard
Plenty of doors to be broken
thoughts that scream
but you dare not say a word
lay on the floor
sweet child
and hope to hear the rain
lay on the floor
and hope you'll see day again
cast away into your cave
into the night
where you cannot be saved
force yourself awake
and force yourself to create
force yourself to love
the day
and force yourself
just not too late

I know there are no windows here
and sunshine seems so strong
but please I'm begging you to
get up and head outside
I'm begging you
to stay strong
No there are no windows here
but you've been deeper in
darkness than this.

Today it
Occurred to me that
I could dissect your dialect
Savour every breath
And take notes
Of when and why
I thought
Your heart was
Pounding out of your chest
I could pull meaning
From your lips
Like lust
Or
Lovers
Maybe?
I could try and understand
Why I felt some days
So soft like summer
Sun and others
Are as if I've been
Frozen all along
I could fight
The fact that I'm
Always afraid
of your
Fleeting
fingertips

Today I realized
That if I did all of this
I wouldn't get the chance
To know the flashes
Of light that sometimes
Fill your face
Or hear tales
Of dancing shoes
Hallways of birds or
To count the freckles on your shoulders

Today I realized
that tomorrow you
could get hit by a bus

and you'd never know
that I love you

Some
days all I want
is to be
the sun
that kisses
the freckles onto
your shoulders

There's a hole in
The roof
Of my house
Although
The hole isn't
Directly above my bed
It leaks
Into the second layer of roofing
And funnels itself
Right to where I lay my head

My room is
A puddle
And my heart is
Torn wide open
Because love doesn't look
Like lies
On grapevines
Whispering willows
That climb
Crawl past
Cranes
And crows in the sky
Blocking out the sun
Making night the only
Thing that shines

Love doesn't look
Like bruised bones
And paranoid telephones
love doesn't seem
Emotionally estranged and
So incredibly alone

It's lips
Are warm
And soft like home
the pretty
And the ugly
Are both grown
But love stays through
Winter snow

My room is
Puddles
And I feel so alone
But that doesn't mean
Your love lips
Will ever be home

Last night
You visited my dreams
You wrapped
Your fingers
Around my heart
And told me
That you really did Love me

I don't
Think I've ever
Been so upset
To open
My eyes

This morning
I woke up
I had three
cigarettes for breakfast
and I went back
to bed
crucified
by my comforter
my arms
really just anchors
but at
least I ate
breakfast.

Some days it's difficult to
Escape
The clutches
Of my bed

I know
That
I'm not
Actually alone
And that
Dying won't
Really solve
Anything
So I'm just
Stuck
******* thinking
About it

All I can
Hope
Is that
Soon
I'll be over
The edge

you've
given me enough
love notes
that I could
fold an
army of
cranes

spider hands
with your whispering
webs weaved
in place

cold carbon
carrying
songs of
somber souls
sick sickle
someones

spider hands
you wrap yourself
in your own
mesh

Giving blood
to make
sense
of letting you
go

It's not a slow descent
It's a rapid
Fire
Fast drop
Swift sinking
Where
My heart
Is thrown into
My feet
As soon
As I set
My eyes
On you
My brain
Bubbles over
And a huge grin
Blooms

It's funny too
It's the same
Heart dropping
Feeling
I have
When emptiness
Takes hold
Only it's not slow
not too much
Aching
Just toasty waters
And fear
Of green eyed
Grief

Cigarettes are expensive
but I need a reason
to stand outside of parties
and avoid
interaction.

There is something
about your
fleeting fingertips
and the way
your mouth curls
resembling
how i
curl myself around
you

and your hands that
Are full
of doubt and
apathetically
****** dreams

There's something
about the way
Your smile
makes me feel

And the
way you hold
your cigarettes
to your lips
that reminds me
of how
you
sometimes
hold
    me.

i miss cherry blossoms
and that time of the year
where life seems
to sprout from my ears
i miss waves

and most of all
i miss you

I keep dreaming
of crushing
concrete columns
and
wondering
if I'll
ever
feel like
I'm not alone?

tie smoke in
knots
and watch the
stars
fall faster
than
anyone will
ever
fall for

you

take my hands
(don't forget
to cut at the
joint)
i don't need them anymore
crash my car
on the interstate
flip over
fragments of
rose blood
clots
and tireless
time bombs

take my hands
and cut at the joint

Sink teeth
like ships         in my hands
                             one moment
                                with you
                                   d r i p s
              through conscious
coughs and
carefully
                climbing
                carbon

i want you
to drink me
   like smoke
      ribbons
through
your straw
in my neck

won't you
carry me
until you
forget?

Your hands
    cleaner
than my
sunday
shirt
and
I've collected
quite a bit
of dirt

Adopt my heart
Its been
passed
kicked around
has over 300 likes
Heart felt messages
about giving it
a forever home
a place to love
to be loved
a place safe
And dry
Let me be
the "crazy people lady"
you never used

Crawl through clouds
watching
carbon carrier
sheep
Stumble through
designated dreams
timely turns
at at least
45 degrees

thick smoke
stacked in rows
behind
white fenced faces
and feigned
spaces
There are
two heads here
in four odd places

Cover cracks
with coils
heart tangled
royals

Have I ever told you about
my wax heart
Melting at the sound
of your half
smoked
slightly ******
Soul
I drip
I trickle
all the way down
your scarred chin
Hoping
that you
might-
one of these days-
     let me
win

and what a flower
you've picked
crushed beneath
imperfections of the human hand

knowing
that I don't know anything
about you is
nice
it's new
exciting
I want it to stay that way.

I want you to always be
that surprise around
the corner
I somehow
never make it to
because you're
almost too beautiful
for me to see

Loving you is like wanting to know the softness of an exceptionally beautiful cloud. One can only know its touch in the form of rain.

condensation formed on your cheeks
and you told me you didn't want to hurt me

****** lower lip

you curled into my chest
and i held you

****** upper lip

i counted the waves in your ceiling
and watched how the shadows
cast seemed to ripple like

the ringing in my ear'

I couldn't look at you without smiling
my cheek ached
my emotions on shut down
and I was ******* smiling at you
with ****** lips

and you said you didn't want to hurt me

shivers
like the three day old knot
thats grown into my back
just above
my four month old
spinal tap

and i hope
i pray
that you might
stay for
one more night
of my chaotic
and calm
coaster ride