Stabbing small ordeal
Betrayed chills clinging
Dependent
Remember
Threatens, turns, tongue
Destruction piece
Bliss loving,
Crave,
Fading features
await despite circles
ungracefully snap--
Caressing loneliness
Read, dare, try
apology--
stained.
Starry rush
composure probably
nagging,
closed slightly,
fighting.

I'm imagining
the pavement blurring beneath
your brick heavy eyelids,
middle of the road
becoming more of a guess
than a goal,
grasping at thoughts
to keep the monotony from
monopolizing what memory
you have left.

That sound, that awful sound
that sometimes picks up
the second you've silenced it
in your mind,
is back again and driving
you insane,
the bane of the trip
on which you've been
for far too long
already.

So let me tell you how to quell
the endless feelings
you can't escape
before they suffocate
the essence of
your heart -
I have auburn hair
that glistens in the sunlight
and hazel eyes
you won't be able
to fight once you're
a few too many
drinks in

I wish I could fall in love again.
When I'm falling,
the way my heart beats
amazes me.
It sends blood pulsing through my veins
and adrenaline coursing through every nerve.
It makes me feel lighter than air
but worth my weight in gold.
I want to feel
like that again.

And at this point, I don't mind
where that feeling comes from.
I don't care
if I find it in the same place
I've been prying it from
for the past twenty eight months,
or if I find it
somewhere new.

I keep thinking about
all the things I forgot.

Your phone number -
long deleted -
started with a 3.
Or was it a 6? Maybe 2.
The only thing I'm sure of
is it had seven digits
and made my heart race
when I saw it on my phone.

Your smell
and how it lingered
now escapes me.
It was unique and spicy.
Or was it sweet?
I keep thinking I've found it again
but end up second guessing myself.
If my eyes were closed
and you were standing
right in front of me,
I wouldn't even know.

Your smile
I can't quite picture.
I don't think you showed your teeth
unless you were really happy
or laughing.
But even in those cases,
I don't remember
what that looked like.
You probably had perfect teeth.

The dates
of all the events whose memories
used to stop my heart
are fading.
When I stop to think,
I can remember them,
but when those days pass
I'm always preoccupied
and forget to remember.

Your favorite color was black,
I'm sure.
I remember because
Your car was black.
Your hair was black.
The locked compartment of your heart
that I tried to open
for two long, painful years
was black.

Endless
Ceaseless
Perpetual
Constant
Arguing
Sickening
Frustrat­ing
Exhausting
Unnerving
Fighting
Hatred
Anger
Fury
Pain
*Done

**** these nights.
**** them.
**** these feelings of anger, abandonment, fear, and jealousy--
but mostly anger.
**** the way I know I'm not going to like what I find
but keep looking anyway.
**** these memories that follow me around to this day
and keep finding ways to reinvent themselves.
**** the way I torture myself like this
over and over again.
**** that fluttering in my heart that could be mistaken for love
if I weren't so sure it's hatred.
******* for making me so ******* weak
by giving me the world and then taking it away, little by little.
******* for making me so ******* dependent
that I can't even go to sleep without a perfect goodnight.
Yeah, *******.