when you fall asleep
is it quiet or loud
when you wake
and the birds rise
do you hear silence
or does the noise consume you
what haunts you
what keeps you
on your toes
who are you
and do you even know
do you believe every thought
or do you swipe them away
did the trauma steal your light
or do you glow dimly and


did the darkness take over
or did you welcome it in
was the light or your darkness
the path you chose to walk in
did you know there's more
than dark and light
black and white
I didn't always believe that
yin and yang
balance
beauty
in both
there is no
all good
all bad
there,
just.
is.

one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight...
oh big eight, there you are.
my brightest sun
my little number one
my astronaut
my artist
my curious one
how far you've come.
how much you've grown
how beautiful you are
to all the laughter
you are my greatest treasure
I love you Maisie
happy birthday

"speak"
they said
but I couldnt
I was drowning
in the static.
it was really
loud.
so everytime
I tried
the static made me stutter
and stumble
and fall
and the words "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
was all the reply
I tried to swim
but the current carried me
and I became lost
for years
I let the static own me
I let the static control me
but who was I?
what had I become?
so I didn't speak
I screamed
I yelled
I yelled until they heard me
or I thought they  might.
because the speaking didn't work
so maybe if I yelled
they would see my years of
all the times I tried
to speak
and all the words they
never heard
I screamed
I shouted
but they never heard me.
so they
will never
hear me
speak
again.

the urge to create
to become something great
seeking validation from the external
opinions seen through
a notification
or a typed search
to be seen is to be loved
they say
but
I think
maybe it's not the most important
anymore.
the urge to create
for yourself
for people that see you
see your growth
your pain
your love
your heart
they see you
and
appreciate the value of you
the urge to create is not
for yourself or
for the world
but maybe yours.
the little universe
its all yours to hold.
yours to grow
to build
to shine in
so shine bright

create a life you're proud of.

the urge to create

There is an aching in my bones.
An itch I can’t scratch.
Something inside I just can’t reach, or figure out.
So I walk.
I walk to the woods, snowy covered pine crackling right beneath my feet. I swing my arms, feel the chill as the tallest true looks down at me, my eyes only reaching the trunk.
A doe meets eyes with me, swiftly, for a split second for at one point, she was me and I was her.
Scared. Naive. Fear.
These things come into me so easily.
Like some sort of pull, you wiggle the fear button and there she goes, scared again.
“What’s to come?”You may ask.
“Just the unknown” I reply.
And that’s the fear isn’t it?
Of what’s to come…

I’m all giggles and in love with you.

Last night
You bought me a new beanie because you thought I would like it and would keep me warm, plus you know how much I love them.
A Reese’s chocolate lava because they’re my favorite at the corner store you stop at.
To be loved is to be seen.
Last night you picked me up, high in the air, me giggling while you held me close to your chest high in the air.
We play wrestled and I giggled. I giggled. And I giggled.
Last night we spoke about my fears & you gave me reassurance.
Last night we had a slim jim war and I nearly died laughing.
Last night you taught me a wrestling move.
Last night you felt my heartbeat through my wrist and you rubbed it because my heart was beating so fast and you wanted to slow it down.
Last night I cried because how sweet you were saving all the notes I’ve written you and how close you held them to your heart.
How you carry me with you wherever you go.
Last night you danced with Maisie and I as we all laughed and smiled.
You’re a dream come true.
Thank you for last night.