I am the greatest liar I know.
Watch as I pretend to
stand for something.
Purity?
Listen as I tell you,
I've never kissed a girl
or even held her hand.
I'm saving everything for my wife,
isn't that grand?
Maybe physically modest I've remained,
but the confines of my mind are rotting.
Witness the perversions unveil
on my search bar as I fail to abstain.
My bathroom is a battleground.
Countertops stained from failed
attempts I longed to call victory,
shower rugs withering from endless moments
on my knees, begging you to forgive me.
Darling, I wish I could
love you as you deserve.
But the depictions flicker
behind my eyelids in every
blinking moment,
and despite the constant
praying, I can't stop preying,
the craving screams my name
through bleeding lungs
and a parched tongue.
I've lost all control.
Demons are clawing their
crooked fingers through the cages
of my heart, of our heart,
and my ribs are cracking
as our romance is shattering.
Love, I'm so sorry.
I have tainted all you were,
my nightmares have mutilated
your innocent perfection.
I am not worthy to hold you
in my arms, even if you're the first,
these stains cannot be erased.
I have left cobwebs in your corners,
they'll never be clean again.
It's my fault,
I am a vicious poison.
I don't know how to change.
I've lost the power to say no,
I don't have a cast for the broken bones,
the bodies are still littered beside
my personal porcelain Hates.
I hate me. You deserve better.
I can't perform an exorcism on myself,
and I can't wipe the webs off the shelf,
I can't even reach the top without help.
I wish I could say I love you.
But love is sacrifice
and the only thing I've
sacrificed is my commitment
while betraying my integrity
and slaughtering the promises
I stole from you.
In this moment of brutal honesty,
I'll admit my inadequacy
but as soon as morning
I'll forget about reality.
Watch as I fight to become
the best failure I don't want to be.
*m.w.
4/11/14