So tell me did it happen?
Are you real or make believe?
I keep thinking it didn't happen,
but then I hear your shadow whispering:

"Follow me into the bedroom,
kiss me here, and make me sigh,
please don't stop, i want this to happen...
let me hold you in my eyes"

So tell me did it happen?
Are you real or make believe?
They tell me it didn't happen,
but still my heart, it does see
my mind longs to lie to me,
to make me see what
my heart wants me to see.

So tell me did it happen,
are you real or make believe?

There is a sadness inside of me, that threatens the core my being. It lives and breathes inside of me. I try to stamp it down, to pin it's spiraling tentacles here and there, leaving them set to infect only very small areas. But this sadness and I are one of the same organisms. If I move, it moves, It wiggles it's way free and starts creeping up on me, first in my dreams and then it works it's way into my reality. It settles in my chest and expands, leaving me slightly gasping for breath as it won't let me breathe...the panic builds and slowly consumes me. And I'm lost. Lost to the sadness. Lost in the sadness.










And then I find me. I pull myself up, and lock the sadness down, encase it in concrete inside of me, inside of my heart. And I harden. Slowly the sadness is turning my heart to concrete. Beat by beat it slows. Until the transformation is complete. Strong to the core, stronger than ever before, my sadness and me.

youve caught me between a hello and a goodbye,
right in the middle of my incessant high.
wait. no, thats a lie.
youve got me between a goodbye and hello,
where your scent still lingers on my pillow,
fueling this high that keeps me on this rollarcoaster ride.

Would you walk a mile?
Just to make someone smile,
Give anything just to make their while?


Would you cry for them,
To ease their pain?
Would you change all your ways?
Sit in the car and yell at the rain,
For them?
.

Would you travel all over the earth,
To prove their worth,
Or wander the world,
To tell them of your love?


Would you forget all wrong?
And know only love,
Be courageous and strong,
When they've had enough?


Would you sit there and listen,
When all they can do is yell?
Would you sit there and help,
While they walked through their own hell?


Would you love them forever?
No matter what?
Through hate and mistrust,
Could you survive, or would you rust?

I could tell you my hopes,
I could tell you my dreams.
But you'd just sell me some story,
take my money, and leave.

there's a light that shines upon a tree
in the garden of Eden,
and under this tree there's a marvelous bench,
carved from stone,
just one bench, standing alone.

upon this bench their soul's will wait,
until the other is calling from the garden's gate.
that's where they'll stay together forever,
in eternity.

there's a light that shines upon on a tree
in the garden of Eden,
and underneath the tree there's a bench,
a marvelous bench carved from stone,
a marvelous bench standing all alone,
upon this bench our souls will be known,
hand in hand, awaiting their journey home.

it creeps upon her now,
so cold and unwilling to let down.
mercy is not in its wake,
and i dont know how much of this i can take.

ive hated her as long as i can remember,
and ive awaited this week for two years come December.
but days have passed,
and the time is here,
and right now its for my mother that i fear.

im not so sure how i take this.
i don't know yet if im hurt,
or if i am to be saddened.
ive hated this woman for as long as i can remember...
but that was before death stole her picture.

shes been his target for quite some time,
even been willing to offer a helping hand,
but now shes the victim, now his fight has begun,
and shes to weak, to small, to fragile to ever say she's won.

realization has settled in now,
and im not nearly as cold as i once was,
but do i show care, compassion and love,
to a woman who never showed it to me?

i guess ill wait until her death day,
and see what emotions that brings.



her death day has come and passed,
and emotions i felt at last.
July 21, 2007
tears filled my eyes as she entered into heaven.

a lifetime wasted,
for the last few years of her life
it was my hate she had tasted.

saddened my heart is now,
that i didn't try to forgive her somehow.

listen to this and take heed,
a life full of hate is not what you need.
find some way to forgive,
and you'll have found a new way to live.



don't harbor hate,
once they're gone
you'll only end up
hating yourself
for your ignorance.

i want to be like a river,
beauty at every depth,
i want to be like the wind,
a mystery in every breath.
i want to be like the sun,
a smile in every ray,
i want to be like the stars,
a promise at the end of the day.

i want to glow like the moon,
and illuminate your life.
i want to be like the tide,
helping you through your strife.

i want to be trusted like a shadow,
with you every step of the way.
i want to be a rainbow,
a promise at the end of a rain.

i want to be an ocean,
with secrets hidden in my depths.
i want to be the cold,
making you catch your breath.

i used to feel like you were deeper than the ocean
and i could hide my secrets in you darkest depths..
and you would protect them...
and make sure no body saw them


you were my ocean...


with waves so powerful...
over time they break the hardest things down...
and form them into something new..
sometimes something prettier....

you were my ocean...


you spread over vast spaces
and knew no end
but now...now
i feel like you have..you have become my river
now im so scared that your my river...
fast and shallow...
my secrets are the pebbles and rocks on you floor...
easy to see...your currents are swift and fast...
but no obstacle for the strong,
who can stand your currents and easily touch your river's bed
to steal my rocks..my pebbles...to analyze and break them...
you said you did all you could...
but the truth is there;
you didnt care that your current wasnt strong enough
or that your water's bed was within their reach.

you were my ocean...
but now, your just a river...

Its late tonight,
and you just got here,
or maybe I just got there,
it doesn’t matter.
This is so different,
but its slowly becoming the same,
in our awkward relationship,
its like our own secret little game.
You take your place,
as I crawl awkwardly into bed,
but you, you hold no trace of awkwardness,
only pure comfort lines your ever-present grace.
I envy you, and your cool calm, intellect.
Where I am nothing but nerves and fear,
you fit in like you belong here.

I am careful, lying next to you,
keeping inches between our exposed flesh.
I want so badly to embrace you,
but I know better, and give you respect.
Timidly, I wait for an invitation,
or shyly ask to scratch your back,
anything to get my hands on you,
to touch that warm flesh…
you know you belong to me,
and that’s a fact.
After you’ve had your fill,
you open your arms,
or pull me to you,
and my heart, my body, my emotions spill
into your arms.
You hold so much more,
than just my body,
I often wonder just how much…
can your arms feel it?
As I lie there, in your arms,
I trace slow, lazy circles…
on your side, your ribs, your stomach.
The movie plays,
and we lie there,
tension builds…
finally the credits roll.

And I find my sweet release,
as soon as our lips meet.
There’s no room for the makeup,
no room for the mask.

The world is forgotten,
all is left behind,
there’s nothing here,
but you and I.
I am in heaven,
and all is right.
I am yours,
and you are mine.

The clock ticks time away,
not even we have the power to stay,
and we drift asleep,
tangled together in bed sheets.
The sun rises, the clouds part,
sunshine spills across the room,
bathing you in gold,
and spilling straight into my heart.
You open your eyes,
and I know it’s gone.
I touch your arm, your face,
I try to pull you back into the night,
to our last embrace,
but its no use, you hide from the light.
Friends again, or something more,
that’s something of which I am never sure.
a quick peck on the lips,
a mere echo of the night before,
and your gone.

Off, speeding away,
into the streets,
into a new day…

As I sit and wonder,
whether I am a fool.

ive tried to find a secret
an unknown to harbor in my soul
to keep something from you,
to lock it up in some black hole.
i want to know your secrets,
and all your lifes mysteries,
but you have kept some things in the dark,
creating a journey my heart wishes to embark.
i want to hide a secret,
like you have hid yours.
but you know all my secrets,
have opened all my doors.
omissions are betrayals,
i have once been told.
for when in love,
all secrets seem to unfold
no matter how dark or cold,
for when in love
one should want all secrets told.
fear not my love,
for in my world omissions are not betrayals.
they are the saviors of pain
that needn’t unfold.
of stories and pasts that needn’t be told.

but on the contraire,
you should want to share,
of all secrets from our start,
so no unknowns can tear us apart.

Silence,
There’s nothing around for miles, and miles,
The light breeze tangling her long golden brown hair
As she sits in the grass, hugging her knees to her chest; she’s waiting.
The cool breeze ripples her dress,
As the soft, low murmur of an old truck rumbles down the old dirt road off to her left,
She gently raises her head to acknowledge its passing,
And suddenly, she’s flooded with memories…
Fears and tears that are long gone.

Off in the distance she hears the bells,
Calling her back to her childhood hell,
Hidden out in the open,
So far from somewhere that no one can hear her calls, her screams,
As her daddy magnifies the scene…

His strength over powers her ten to one and the fights already begun,
She’s scared; she doesn’t know how to get out, or where to run.
But there’s nothing left out here for her,
Nothing but memories and fears…

She takes off, the wind whipping her face,
Her dress lost in tangles behind her.
She has to get out but how?
There’s nothing around for miles and miles…

She’s running,
Her bare-feet picking up speed, one foot in front of the other.
This is her escape, leaving the place she’s lived all her life…
The sound of her daddy’s shot gun fires in the distance,
Adrenaline joins with rage; she knows this is her last chance…
If he catches up, she’s dead.
She cuts through the tress, her childhood memories flying past her…
Tears fill her eyes, she crying, she doesn’t want to run anymore,
She can’t leave the only place she’s ever loved,
But she’s already started running, she can’t give up….

Her chest tightens, wincing in pain,
Her muscles can’t keep up with her mind…
She’s been running through these trees for hours, and

Silence,
Nothing but the sounds of her labored footsteps on the ground,
Alone in her memory, lost in her fear,
Tears sweep down her cheeks like summer rain on hot Georgia hills,
Leaving is wrong but it’s never felt so right,
She can’t stop running, not tonight….

Questions whispered,
in the early morning light.
Like all wrong-doings
have been made all right.

What happens when forever,
has come and gone...
when never showed up today,
and decided to use you as its pawn?

What happens when good enough
became tough luck,
and romance nothing more than a good ****?

What happened to Romeo,
White Knights on horses,
and prince charming?
Since when did men get so alarming?
So disarming, so NOT charming?

i feel...trapped.
i'm locked in a box,
in my very own mind,
and i cant get out.

i cant escape,
cant leave, i hold the only key,
but there's no convincing me,
i wont give it up.

i cant. not yet.
i wont give away my sanity.
i wont give it away,
cant let it free,
cant let go of what makes me, me.

it builds up, all this depressive creativity,
longing to break free,
to bursts through the cracks,
and bubble up from beneath.

to leave me feeling...empty.
empty, and relieved,
that my eyes can see me for me,
and not who my captors want me to be.

i want to be free.