He said it,
The three words…
The words I long for,
The words I dread.

He said it,
Again and again…
Why am I self destructing
At his tender caring words?

He wants me to say it,
But these words I just can't say.
They're tainted, now burned…
But lords knows I care.

He wants me to say it,
And I want to too…
But these three words scare me
So a symbol must do.

My babe just said it,
He said 'I LOVE YOU',
And now its my turn…
Brief falter before I respond;
"I <3 U"

3...2...1...SELF DESTRUCT!

She was beautiful.



But not in a Cosmo Model, Megan Fox, or Tara kind of way, not how you would expect. It was strange, her beauty. The kind that has you peering through a crowded room to see what you were really looking at. Her eyes, her smile, the way she held herself; strange how just holding her head up a few vertebrae higher could catch such attention.  And the way she was around people, was a mystery. She would be all smiles, childish and comic at one moment; but the next she would lean quietly, her face relaxed with no thought of expression.



When she smiled, it took little effort to make her smile brighter, and the promise would make her giggle and laugh. Her laugh could make even the saddest man cry out for joy. And sometimes she would sing, and her voice was like the angels from heaven, to get her to sing was just as much a task as it was to make her smile. While, on the other hand, when she was relaxed, her expressionless face dominant,  the task to make her smile, to get her to laugh grew hard and tiresome.



Such a strange beauty, like a well painted piece of art, was rare. She stuck out like a sore thumb in the cluster of thin no bodies. Each girl prim, thin, perky and down to the letter. Each girl barely had a mind of their own, barely had wit enough to keep them. But this girl…this girl could tame the whole room if she pleased. This girl could open her mouth wide and get the whole company into a dance. She had personality, she had spark, she had emotions, she was alive.



That’s why he liked her so much. He loved just looking into her auburn eyes, the almond shape of them as interesting as her topics of conversation. He could listen to her voice for hours, just as beautiful as her singing voice. And she could pull your heart like nothing else. That’s what he liked about her.

Shocked how much you hurt me,
I've pushed you from my mind.
And true a lot reminds me, brings
You back to mind...But now I am
Realizing its hurting less and less.

Its shocking now how little I hurt
At a simple thought of you...
Now that you're gone. You're off my
Mind and out of my head, with something
Small to remind me of who you once were.
But now thats gone, and I've convinced myself...
Dead.

You were never honestly there.
You didn't even really care how
You held me tightly to my fear of being
Left alone, unloved, just wanting to be
Useful you used me to the end.

And yet you didn't use me, you didn't
Care to try, but you didn't pay me back
For my help and always made me cry.
Am lost and confused and your whiplash
Made me sick....

Did you truly feel that you were
In the clear so quick?
You left scars you left memories,
But thank you for what you've done
To me. I'm now much stronger than before
And I wont have to deal with guys like you...
Anymore.

To sit silently in an empty room, sometimes you feel relief and relaxation. But normally you feel trapped, secluded, agitated and annoyed. You get to the point that you start to get frustrated, dying and begging for some one to spend time with you. You know you could do so much with the time you're given...Laundry, homework, anything. but you don't...and you can't get your mind off of the silly things that plague you. Silly things like a software you can't afford that has assignments due in four days, concerts you have to rehearse for and songs you have to pick, classes you keep forgetting and due to sickness you tend to miss, the guilt trips you friends keep pulling and their stupid little tricks. You don't want to be used any more and you don't want to be ******...but you don't want to be alone so you call all you can - does any one answer? No of course they don't.
Worrying about your appearance and worrying about your friends. Worrying about your grade point average and worrying about your head. You sit and ponder how your family now views you and now you're again sick in bed...Your head is simply spinning and you just can't stop the ride.  You want an understanding as you sit there in your room alone, to why you feel so helpless and why the world is cold as stone. You simply want some one else there, just another presence in the room...whether they talk or not is not the problem, but seriously they never come. How much you want the person to climb in bed with you, and wrap you in his arms. You are alone, you don't want to be, you want to do nothing instead of something, you want him to be there and prove that you're wanted, you want to feel needed. If you could simply be worth while or worth anything to at least one person, you think you might not feel so alone... But when he doesn't answer, or denies the attention you're craving...you feel even more alone then you did in the first place. Loneliness... such a double sided blade.

It Glimmers and Shines, this key to the forbidden chest;
A locked chest hidden away deep inside
Where no passerby may look upon its dark wood.
Oh how the key glimmers in the hands of the owner,
Marvel at its simplicity…oh me…
Dare I open it? Dare I try?
My heart is lying recovering inside
Hidden away from the light of love for so long.
Foolish one I let it open, so easily handed over
This brilliant key to one I thought was true.
How horrid is fate to me, tricking me so…
And how this gent so tenderly picked me up
Coddled and bandaged my wounded heart till
No tear could be shed, no blood able to be spilt…
How quickly my heart began to cling to him
As if it were a life line and my red ribbons end.
Yet seemingly overnight this god who revived me
Became a brick wall my heart was ****** against.
What torture was brought to my little heart, being
Healed so well that even the gravest beating didn’t leave a scar.
How bruised it became, my heart over night,
Yet no tear was able to be shed though it’s all it wanted to do
No blood was wasted for he beat so tenderly that it didn’t wound.
Oh but my heart was battered and confused
Unable to tell right from harm…
The man so roughly played that so soon he grew tired.
So bored of my heart from playing every day
He then kept me up on a shelf, there to watch him run free
And leaving me there to rest till next he desires me again.
Once again I’m lifted and roughed up to no end,
But how can I refuse the man who so tenderly cared for
My once broken and bleeding heart?
After his worst places even he would take me sometimes in his arms
And hold me and heal me till I cry and am well.
This viscous cycle leaves my heart so bruised that it can’t even cry
I am left wandering, that even with such admiration for this gent…
If it is still worth the ache and sorrow
Just to feel wanted again and loved if only for a moment, even by a friend.
To put yourself in such a relationship is very suicidal no?
And I can’t open my mouth and say what pain I’m in is his doing,
His hands squeezing my heart till there’s no more feeling…I haven’t the
Heart to say – he’s ripped out its vocal chords and thrown them away.
And the pain to see as he plays with me and then quickly discards,
The brilliant key to my chest of safety dangling so plainly about his neck.
Oh my suicidal heart, throwing myself at his feet begging simply to be held again
To be loved is all I want still sits on that shelf and wonders if the key is still mine.
I sometimes sit alone with my heart, waiting on the shelf till he’s home,
Watching him wander about filling his tastes with others, yet always returning to me…
My heart foolishly hopes and hopes and hopes that maybe this time he’ll stay,
Maybe this time he’ll find that I’m the one he need, the one he wants,
And sees the pain he’s put me through and again takes to healing the wounds.
Oh kiss my face, tell me sweet airs of kindness, and just convince me once again I’m his…
That he is mine….
Oh silly suicidal heart, so willing for the love almost mine,
That I would purposely place myself in such heartache’s hands as his.
I lay silently beside him, darkness surrounds me, and I long for the courage to reach out first
To reach in the dark for that brilliant, beautiful key about his neck-
So careful I will be not to wake him…simply to take back my heart, my poor foolish
My poor broken, suicidal heart.
I long to simply lock my heart up once again in that strong chest of wood,
Maybe then my suicidal heart will finally be at rest...and finally heal loves wounds…
But till then I am lost, lost in the tide of the crashing waves of this emotion filled
Irrationality of his affections, continue to be smashed into the jagged rocks of my
Own self doubt, reality and confusion…too weak to fight and too tired to reach for
The key, the freedom of this heart ache, to my simple safe wooden chest.
The last sanctuary for a wounded soul, for I have such a foolish and suicidal heart.
Alas – I am forever lost.

People are like books,
And unfortunate for me
I am the dusty book on the
Corner of the shelf.
I sit with my soft leather binding
Waiting to be picked up and read.
I'm the Words unheard, The
Stories unsaid...
But no one picks me up.
For I am seemingly too much work,
A book that's too thick,
The writing is too small,
The pictures are nonexistent,
And the wordings too long.
They don't even open me,
Just glance at my blank cover and then
Just toss me back where they found
Me before, simply dying to be opened again.

Broken,
I'm so broken...
I'm terrified and locked inside.
You beckon me out from the
Window tightly shut,
Begging to God I'm still alive.

But some times I wish I wasn't,
That way the pain would numb.
My hearts so broken
So easy to steal, but harder to heal.
How many times those men called me Dumb.

Broken,
I'm so broken,
I'm scared to climb the stairs.
There's one or two missing
Steps you see, scattered through
Out the rest. And I'm so off balanced
I fear I'll fall, harder to the floor...
My poorly beating heart ever weaker

Why can't He just love me,
The way that I love him?
Why can't He just see me,
The way that I see him?

I pray one day He'll understand,
That I'm not as strong as I seem;
So that on that day he'll finally see,
Its of my heart no longer broken,
I long for him to know,
That when my hearts no longer broken...
I will once again be free to dream.

You're in trouble,
Admit it sir.
I am here to help-
So let me in.
Don't worry about me,
I will be fine...
As long as you're better.

I honestly get sicker,
and sicker each day
Just knowing that you're
Feeling ill and uneasy;
So vent, let it go,
Tell me until you're
No longer queazy.

I want you happy,
Just understand-
Give me some thing,
Anything to do.
And I'll lift the burden,
Easily, just for you.

Call me your cross,
For I love you too much.
You're my Best friend,
And I'll sacrifice my heart
Just to be sure you
Feel right again.

Just Catch Yourself

A quick smile, glance down.
Don't get caught, catch yourself.
You can't let them see.
Your face is red? Don't let them see,
Just catch yourself before it's too late.
There is no way this is really happening;
You’re just seeing things – just catch yourself.
Nothing goes the way you want it to,
It’s not what you think it is, it’s not just for you.
Just catch yourself.

Just catch yourself before you’re too late
Before your heart can’t take it back-
It’s jumping out of your chest?
Restrain it before it gets loose,
You can’t have a hopeful heart,
It’s pointless

He smiles, you look down.
Your heart leaps, don’t get caught.
He makes you laugh; your face gets red,
Cover it; hide it, so he can’t see.
He’s being nice, he’s being thought full,
Don’t believe it, just pretend there’s nothing there.
You’re seeing things, he’s not interested-
Stop the avalanche before it destroys everything!

Just catch yourself; you can’t be too careful.
Your heart is only so strong, it will break too easily.
Don’t hope, just catch yourself…
Before you fall-
You’re
Slowly
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
It’s too late…
Don’t you ever LEARN?

Missing Emotion,
I've a rather short temper...
Why can't i be as happy
As I was the time before?

"Shut up!" one said,
"You're so annoying!"
Never mind, I've reconsidered,
I like being void of emotion.

I wish you would be crystal clear,
Just what we are to you.
Am I simply just your friend?
Or do I mean more to you?

You claim aloud there's nothing more,
You act with PDA,
But when we are alone some times
Your emotions and actions start to stray...

Oh kiss and hug thats all just fine,
I'm here and I'm feeling the whiplash
Cause you just drop that on a dime,
Then suddenly we're nothing, seriously ***?

I care too much to loose you,
As a friend or dare I say more...
But be crystal clear to me with what you do...
Or you might lose me for being way to confusing.

Distance knows, as distance grows,
It's short and long
It can raise the stakes and hopes.
It can make you long for the edge,
For the thing at the other side.

Distance doesn't have to be in miles or in feet.
Distance could be attitudes, expressions;
In class, availability...victories or defeat...

You are out of my reach, a distance away.
I can't help but look your way and pray
Praying you would notice me
You may glace toward me, but its not what I want
I just wish to gaze into your eyes
And have you smile at me...only me.

But two inches between us,
Make it as if we have nothing to say,
And we really have miles between us,
And this distance grows each and every day.

You're the king, the prince of hearts,
While I a simple pawn who would melt
to just get a glimpse of your face.

This distance knows, and oh how quickly it grows
At the end of this road...
We'll never see each other again.

Don't you wish you knew?
This secret that I told only so few?
This ring? What it symbolizes?
Don't you wish you knew?

Sometimes I look up at the stars,
wondering what I done right;
even after pain, loss, rejection...
all I have to do is take a deep breath, look down,
then I see this ring and I can smile again.

Such an angel, this man I speak of,
but not just any man,
He watches over me, protects me,
cares for me, loves me.
I wish you knew how it feels to be
protected and watched and loved like that.

I can be myself, and he loves me.
I can look like a slob, and he loves me.
I can say I hate him if he makes me mad, and he loves me.
He would put himself in danger to keep me from harm,
even if it means keeping us apart.

Now I’m down here, gazing up at the stars,
I can see his eyes gazing down at me, just almost,
and he tells me it’s almost time.

I wish you knew how it feels,
to know that times coming up,
that weight on your shoulders would be lifted
soon enough, and your heart captured.

I wish you knew how it feels, this secret,
this lover being so close it makes your heart beat faster.
I sleep and he is there, lying beside me.
He gives me this ring, leads me to it,
he's coming soon, I know it.

After such horror I finally see him,
he's alright, he's ok, he's still mine.
He's alive and trying to find me.
I wish you knew how it feels.

Oh don’t you wish you knew?
This cloud I seem to float on?
When I seem lost in the moment,
who I’m thinking of?
I think of him standing there before me
loving the sight of me, and taking me in his arms
and never letting go,
for he knows that I’ll be his, and forever and always was.


So many guys down here, so many seem to reflect him,
it gets hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Hearts leap, but it’s not him. I'm waiting for him, and he's
coming...

I wish you knew how this feels,
Don’t' you wish you knew?

My head, it's normally flooded. Filled with crazy thoughts, like what books to read, how much longer I have in the three books I haven't finished. Or even the projects I have due in a week, what I have to do to finish them, what I need to do to prepare or present. Sometimes there's a song in my head, and I dance along with the tune until the radio station in my brain picks another melody for me to jam to. I see characters I've created interact, I see worlds of fiction that have to be figments of my imagination simply because they are to spectacular to be real. There are poems dying to be written down, ideas that need to be planted, songs that sing desire and need to be written, and opinions furiously needed to be ranted.

But today my head is empty, nothing seems to be alive. My characters have all gone silent, my opinions are pointless, my project is too hard to focus on, my melodies feel dead. I don't know what to do any more, I don't know what to say. I wish I could simply sleep and refresh and go about my day. But I sit here and write, trying to restart the flow, but the **** dam in my head just wont let my imagination go!

My heart is crying, my eyes are dry, my lips are sighing, while my brain screams WHY! You weren't supposed to leave us, you weren't supposed to die... you should have been with us that night, laughing so hard over game that we cried! You should have created a character, joined in our story line and ruined our themes....but now you're gone, and the only time we will see you is in our dreams.

I guess that's why my mind is empty, why my imagination is dead. I must be scared of forgetting what you looked like, or losing your precious memories in my head. If I could make it right, if I could have been there...none of this would have happened- none of it, I swear.

My head, it's normally flooded. Filled with crazy thoughts. But now it's empty, imagination's gone, for now my head is empty because everything has gone wrong.

I am here if you need me
I'd hate to see you mad.
Please forgive me if I'm upset,
But with the way you treat me
I am always sad...

I am here for you,
But you're never there for me.
I'm spinning, i am drowning,
and you're no where near
to even hear my calling...

The worst part is that you're
Taking this sadness all wrong.
You think I'm asking to be more?
Why when all I want is you,
And your friendship means so much...

I know it shouldn't hurt me,
I know it looks insane,
But you can't simply 'Cold Turkey' me,
My tears will flood the world like rain...
Don't expect me to be fine- no way.

Stop being so selfish and simply understand
Even the greatest ear, has a heart to mend
So why don't you help me rather then hurt,
and simply explain till I understand why...
I am always here for you, but you are never there.

Fair trade?

You were everything I thought I wanted.
Owner of my heart, holder of the key.
But as I look deeper, I see that you are not
all I thought you were to me.

For if you are all I ever wanted, all I needed,
plainly you would love me back.

Now so far apart, you pretend I don't exist.
You promise me silly promises you can't keep,
You make me feel better if only for that moment
only to take that feeling away just seconds away
with one of your foolish comments that rips my
heart to shreds.

You're not what I wanted any more,
you're what I wish you weren't.
We used to be friends, then something happened
to end this relationship I thought we had.
Whether it be time, fate, how we felt about each other,
whether you hated me, acted around me as if you didn't care.

And now I've left you behind.
What ever I thought we had is gone,
so nothing holds me to you any more.
No more broken promises you didn't mean to say,
foolish day dreams that would never come true,

Just now I am thinking about how you would react
when you read my Blockbuster years from now...

and read about what I had hoped happened,
what I wished happened, and what really happened.

You're the final heartache.

Why must everything be so unfair
And why must his fire bloom to love
Why must it form and grow right here?

They play with the fire before my eyes
The heat and embers, the light hurt my sight
I cry to see how much their fire bloomed to love.

Why must they torturer me and blind me
For this fire bloom of love is not mine
Oh, why must the flame burn what isn't even there?

When you Love some one so much
you're willing to give even
your own feelings up to make sure
they are happy...
And that there is no other
substitute for the brilliance
of their smile, the feel
of their arms in a hug, and the light
of their eyes, you know you're
knocked out in the corner.
You're lost Rocky...

And When you Love some one
that much, and you can't be with
them not for lack of trying
nor lack of emotion, but for the written
way of the world, how is one to survive
the ache? The hurt of knowing that they
'just might' be with you 'if things were different'
and if Life was 'just a little easier'...or that
'its not how its supposed to be' or even simpler,
'Its more complicated then that...'

Well I Love you that much, so sorry
to burst your bubble. And I am sad
enough to be fine and ok with being yours
secretly, if you admit to being mine even
if only for an hour. Your lips against mine,
your hands on my skin, your eyes looking upon
my body and my soul as if its a diamond.

I Love you so much that I am here,
willingly offering you myself as a sacrifice if only
for the feelings it brings me - Knowing it makes
you feel better as well brings enough comfort.
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine, just
kiss, touch, talk, be... I'm yours
And I always will be.

My dear love, look what you've done to me,

I pray you will return my love you see..



My songs i sing out loud and clear,

songs heard by everyone far and near.



And yet my heart isn't there,

my tree of song is somehow bare.



My love your wind did tear my leaves

and now I'm felled its true.



For you see....

I gave my songs here to the rest,

My self I gave to you.

Gross, slimy, green, *****, animals....how on earth did they get chosen as the animal to become a prince? The reason make sense... vial creatures to be compared with kings...but in truth why the Frog? Not a Pig? Or would that be to literal for tales to little children? Not a Crow? Oh no those are to loud...  I guess its for a Frog is safe, seemingly a girls best friend. Easy to care for, easy to cherish. Though true Frogs are ugly...but in truth so are you. We are all ugly on the inside when compared to reasonable doubt. And also Frogs are pointless, and indeed you follow- so are you. For with out individuality and personality, you're just another Frog in the pond.  And what they say in fairy tales are true... For once you get your kiss, you or your frog...will finally understand what it is to be human...to be loved, and so once again you become a Prince. But be careful what you wish for, this saying also goes in reverse, for true those that are Frogs to begin with become beautiful and strong...but those who are born Prince's and Princesses, once kissed, will turn into FROGS.

Staring at a photograph,
And I wonder if its wrong.
What the heck were we?
We definitely weren't friends,
We most totally weren't enemies
But still i can't get over the stare
This single photo holds.

Staring at this photograph,
Why the hell did i keep it?
You never talk to me,
You obviously ignore my pleas ...
You probably find me annoying -
Just like the rest of those you'd
Complained about that one night.

Staring at this photograph,
Was that all we were?
Just that one night where
You were human enough
To make me smile and forget.
But how the hell can I pretend
That night simply didn't exist?

Staring at this photograph,
I wonder where I went wrong.
I thought  you were human enough
That you saw through the facade.
I figured you weren't a zombie of the pack
That you thought on your own.
And now here you are joining the herd
That you had complained about that one night.

Staring at this photograph,
Your eyes eat my soul.
How i would have done anything you asked,
Just the idea of you smiling was enough.
But what I would have given to get
Even just a hug from you, your arms
Around me, reminding me that i'm real.
But apparently I am as invisible now
As I felt back then.

Staring at this photograph,
I simply want to scream.
I dont' know why it bothers me,
You didn't do anything of importance
You didn't change my life...Did you?
You came during a weak point
And just two hours with you made me
Even stronger then I thought I'd ever be.

Staring at this photograph,
I wonder what I saw in you.
You are just a painting -
You seem so full of realistic emotion,
So sympathetic and understanding,
Open and kind. But you're a huge lie.
You're just like the rest of them,
Go ahead, conform and belong.

Staring at this photograph,
It all seems silly to me.
You're the book who's cover screams
"I'm the best, READ ME!"
While only to get a chapter in
And find you've wasted everything.
You're that kind of guy.

Staring at this photograph,
I then look at the words i write.
Do I really mean them? Am I that mean?
What do i hold against you other
Then the disappointment of what
Never was meant to be?
You were perfect, you were angelic,
You were what every girl wanted.
Why am I mad at you?

Staring at this photograph,
I'm left realizing...
The thorn in my side of what I
Believe you mean to me.
The fact that you so obviously ignore.
I call out simplistically, just wanting to
Connect to a familiar past time.
But you so Obviously Ignore each echo
And pretend you don't see, or hear.

Staring at this photograph,
I'm choking on the words.
You meant so much to me back then
And now you're just a bruise needing
Tending. Simplistically enough you're
Old news. You're a frustration of the past.
And now I'm realizing that you're
Absolutely nothing to me.

I'm reading once this poem,
On a photo i had obsessed over,
Finding it just a pretty face,
A pair of beautiful eyes that
Used to make me feel whole-
Now make me feel empty inside.
Steal my soul those eyes do...
So while reading this poem aloud
On a photo i had once obsessed,
I hold it to the flame and Burn it away.



Staring at this photograph,
It now bursting in flames.
The past doesn't bother me anymore
I feel released from  its chains.
I might be haunted later,
Truly this i'll admit,
For those eyes do taunt...
For a road not taken, choice not made,
But it's not mine to make, not mine to take
You're the one who missed it
And i just have to get over
The simple idea of you -


A frustration of the Past

Heart ripped out
Gut turning painfully
No smiles now, no pretend

You think I am ok
What a grand performance hu?
Its all an act no one can see
No one can be that happy with out
Dieing inside
Help me I can’t cry any more
Life seems werthless

But I am scared, scared of life ending
I want a purpose. Please show me why I am here
I know no one could ever love a monster like me
Everyone says so, so why am I here?
You don’t love me, you never had
I keep trying to forget the joy I had seeing you, speaking with you
How musical was your voice, and how deeply fallen I am over you

I want to die but fear the end without you
Oh god if you exist, help me get through to him,
Help me sing the song and maybe he’ll hear the music
And know it’s ment for him
Have him speak the truth
Whether it be “I hate you leave me alone,”
Or pray… “You’re my friend…please don’t go.”

Heaven Help us, Lord be willing
We only have till morning then we lose this chance.
When I wake up, you will be gone
We only have so long just to make us.

Very soon you will forget, all the love we had.
And very soon I will forget you existed.

Heaven help us, we’re too broken.
How can we find love when we’re so cautious?
Afraid to be hurt and to bleed,
Putting up the shields just to save us.

If only we could really be.
If only we could have the chance that they all have.
But the sun rises and we are pulled apart.
Night time seems to be the only time for us.
The only time for us…to be together.

Too bad, I love you so much.
Too bad I need you like the air I breathe.
I f only we could be together just for this moment,
We might have a fighting chance.

Heaven help us, I don’t understand.
How we are so close, and yet so far apart.
When you say forever – Then take my hand
How can you break it, then come crawling back?

Can’t you see the pain in my eyes?
How much it’s killing me,
Living in fantasy – just to keep you
And time is flying by, and I will lose you.

Heaven help us, I’m too tired.
I love you more than any one could say,
And yet here I can’t keep fighting,
For something that will only go away.

Can’t you hear my crying out –
In the pouring rain?
Every day it’s all the same…
A sad sad symphony.

Are you not afraid of losing me?
Don’t you love me back?
I’m falling but will you catch me?
I should just walk away –

Too bad, I love you so much.
Too bad I need you like the air I breathe.
I f only we could be together just for this moment,
We might have a fighting chance.

I love you so much it hurts,
But I am on the edge
Spinning round in circles – I can’t fight for this.

Heaven help us, God be willing,
We only have till morning just to make us.

I speak, no voice, to the uninterested ear.
My words, though ill placed, the urgency of my heart.
I long to just be heard, for what words I say
to impress upon the mind of those around me.
Alas...

I speak, to no avail, to the def ear.
Invisible, I am used to being unseen, preferred in fact.
Why let them char my tender heart with evil burning eyes
when they could be blind and cling to my every word?
Alas...

I sing, just as a bird, and my voice lost to the ear
grouped a long with the every day, the birds, ignored.
They walk on by, clustering chatter over my harmony,
Each not tenderly caressing the natures melody in wish to join.
Alas...

I sing, loud and true, my heart open all the while.
Those cruel beings take advantage and push through
write their names along my heart, scaring me of them for life.
They use me till my voice is dry, and then tell me I'm worthless.
Alas...

I know, I'm smarter than they think.
I see my future and it looks so bright.
I, once commonly viewed as an ugly chick, shed my downy feathers
And soon I spring up in joyous song, elaborate voice, as my true form.
Alas...The Swan.

I'm sitting here alone, trying to understand,
But the words said on the phone just cloud my head.
I'm flooded by the past and drowning for the future,
Reaching out for your strong grasp but it just isn't there

I used to be so sure, thought that we might be forever,
So explain to me why this pure love is fading in the mist.
I used to feel so safe with you, Positive you felt that too,
But now I'm not so sure, I don't know what to do…

Please, what is going on?

You woke me up, opened my hear,
But now you're letting go, now you let it go…
You used to be strong, you taught me to be fearless.
But now you're letting go, Now you've let me go…

I used to think that you could be my prince,
But now I see you're playing the fool.
I guess all these plans we had will go to waste,
If you don't bring back the fight you had before!

Please, what is going on?

You woke me up, opened my heart,
But now you're letting go, now you let it go…
You used to be strong, you taught me to be fearless,
But now you're letting go, now you've let me go…

We were doing fine, or so I thought.
But now over night we are falling a part…
Why can't you be a man, and tell me where we stand?
Or do I have to do this by myself?

Please, what did I do wrong?

You woke me up, opened my heart,
But now you're letting go, now you let it go…
You used to be strong, you taught me to be fearless,
But now you're letting go, now you've let me go…

You're spinning circles in a senseless haze,
You're fighting spirit has  all gone out-
Where once you were certain now you're terrified…
What, my dove, must I do to keep this love alive?

Please, I want the pain gone!

You woke me up, opened my heart,
But now you're letting go, now you let it goo…
You used to be strong, you taught me to be fearless,
But now you're letting go, now you've let me go…

I'm fighting to hold on to you, love,
But must you just run from me dove?
Now you're flailing, saying that you're just unsure…
Please, just get it over with…

I'm sitting here  alone, trying to understand,
But your words said on the phone still cloud my head…

"I CAN'T"

We weren't the best of friends,  we didn't talk for hours, we didn't share secrets... No we didn't text all the time, no we didn't laugh at each others jokes. But our Characters did. You were her friend, if you could even call them that. You were the one piece of kindness she saw in that barbaric world. You made sense to her. You also had a bad side, you scared her, she was always afraid of making you mad...but she regretted ever hurting you, she never wanted to see you hurt, she never wanted to make you sad, she would have done everything in her power to not fight you.

She liked you once, until she realized you liked another. She wanted to help you get with the one you liked, even if it meant ruining the relationship of another. She would have given anything to be closer to you, to have been able to tell you how you made her feel. But then the game was over, and the imagining ended.

Months have passed since I last saw you, years in the alternate reality since our characters last spoke. She was heart broken and betrayed, and she screamed for you to help. But help never came. I was too afraid to look strange, I was too afraid to look like I was trying to hard to be your friend...so I never added you on social networks. I never asked for your number, because we rarely talked. You never seemed to want to. You were close to my best friend, and through her I lived out the life of being best friends with you, and that we would talk all day and text... I thought maybe our characters could see each other again, that some thing could start up.

It was only a week ago that my Imagination thought they would meet again, it was only a week ago we all decided to restart the game. Only three days ago you called my friend and said you would join. I thought we could start over, that maybe this time I'd be able to be friends with you, real friends, texting friends, friends who talked, friends who hung out, friends who drank together, friends who laughed together. The thoughts kept rolling through my imagination, the thoughts of being a family again were so exciting...

I couldn't have Imagined this.

The call came, another in the family of friends, another who's character connected with mine, another whose friendship was closer with me in real life. He called, the look on my friends face went blank. She handed the phone to my other friend, his face fell to disbelief. You were gone. We were panicking. We were trying to find a way to figure out what happened. We only just spoke to you! I tried to find out when, who knew, how to prove it wrong. You couldn't be gone, never...and the fact that we had no idea how, why, the fact that no one would talk to us...

I couldn't have Imagined this.

In seconds she came, she overwhelmed me, took me over, I was in shock, but she was fully aware. She cried, she shook, she hugged the others there. Suddenly she wasn't a character any more, and she was all powerful, all consuming, all devastated. And in that moment I wasn't just mourning you...I was mourning him as well. I was hit by the loss of two, and i was flung into a brick wall. She wanted to scream, she wanted to go out and **** things, she wanted to **** herself and respawn and do it again, she wanted to fight, she wanted to find the body you both shared and bring you back to life. She wanted to trade herself for you, if not him at least you. And then she was gone, lost in my thoughts, lost in my imagination.

And now here I sit, in shock once again, I want to be alone, but I want someone with me in my loneliness...I want to cry, to scream, and yet here I am silently writing with only the sound of my fingers typing echoing from my room. I'm cold, my head hurts from all the chaos in my head.

Then it struck me. You weren't really dead. I could bring you back to life, I could honor you, your memory, your imagination.

I could keep you alive some how, by writing about him, for he was you and you were him. And in that thought my mind was calmed, my heart was lifted. And thats where you find me now, writing...

keeping you alive.

No words, none.... I've not heard one.
Its been too long for forgetfulness,
Its long past time for 'just busy'
Or 'no time'. And here I sit
The silence kills me, cuts me.
Why does this hurt so much.

The day you found out,
I was the first you told.
And honestly the only one
You felt trust worthy.
And here I am looking at the
Screen seeing your mothers loving
Congratulations. Its been a week.

You still haven't told me, so I
Gave in and asked. Claimed  I
Saw all the 'congrats' and I assumed
It was true. ***** you! You spoke as if
There was no problem, no hickup.
How on earth could you not see how much
You've hurt me?

You found me important enough to tell
And for me to keep such a weight alone.
But when I've come to needing closure,
You don't even tell me its ******* over?
I'm left to wait for the news alone,
And you don't tell me a thing...
But when you see i'm slightly upset you
Instantly act normal again.

*******. You haven't spoken to me
In weeks, nearing a month. I didn't get a
Simple goodbye. You left me hanging out
To dry and I'm sick of it. Friends talk to friends
And if you're busy you tell them so.

A simple 'HELLO i'm going to be busy,
You wont hear from me in a while!' Is all
That is required of a friendship. But Best friends...
Best friends keep the loop tight, they hide their
Phones from ready eyes and text 'I'm alright.'

They offer words of praise or 'Thank you for helping me
Its made my day.' Simple pieces of **** that
Are normally required in common day ****.
But no you must be special, no you don't need
To follow these rules. Just cut out your 'BEST FRIEND'
And tell all you're ******* Tools. Yeah they care, and
They'll black mail you in a second. But you'll ask for help
And in an instant I'll be becconed. I can't do this Any more

I can't be friends for long. I'm just writing this to say
That the only reason I have to stay is to simply hear you
Say 'I'm sorry, I know what I've done. You're the only
One who helped me through and I'm grateful for you.
You've been there through the thick and thin, you've
Been there when my life line ends. I couldn't have
Survived with out you. Please forgive me, I love you.'

Some times I want you to come crawling back,
To tell me that if you could you'd wish it all back.
But here I would stand and here I am now, knowing
My answer wont turn around. You wont like it, I can
Assure. For we're not friends any more, you've closed
That door. We're not friends any more, because
Honestly....

I can't do this any more.

Yes, foolish me I said it,
I said I loved you.
You took it the way I knew it,
You ran as fast as you could.
'I love you, but I'm not in Love with you,'
If only I had a dime....For the amount of
Times I've heard that line drives me insane.

Well yes, foolish me I said it,
There's no turning back.
And now here we are arguing
Its been four hours already.
I'm telling you it wasn't your fault,
You're telling me its mine.
I'm telling you to stop hurting me,
You say that I'm just lying.

Apparently to you, you're the angel in disguise.
You're saintly you could do no wrong.
HA, you're afraid of nothing? Right.
You're afraid of me proving you wrong,
You're afraid of me telling the truth,
You're afraid you're not as holy as you thought,
You're afraid you're life is over....
But even worse for you?
You're afraid that I will leave you.

Why? You say I am so difficult, I'm crazy to no end.
So why on earth do you try so hard to keep me as your friend?
When I cry you walk away, but return to tease and taunt me more.
But when I know you're no longer listening, I leave and don't come back.
You call, ask me to return. I can't I'll hit you. I know I will.
You have to be seriously joking me. Telling me that you're to blame...
Only because of things that I HAVE done to YOU.

Automaticlly its my fault again. And you stab me more and more.
No sir you weren't using me, and I wasn't using you...
ITS HARD TO USE A *****.

I know the truth, and it shocks me,
How much she's played him,
How vast her confusing web was spun.

I know the truth, and it mocks me,
How he has fallen back to her,
How he has no idea what to do.

I know the truth, and it hurts me,
How now she realizes his feelings,
How she might not be the One.

I know the truth, and it scares me,
How she is tempting him with care,
How she tricks him with sweet words.

I know the truth, and it will **** him,
How she is catching him like the fly,
How he doesn't know how to escape.

I know the truth, and it will hurt him,
How he honestly doesn't know who,
How he loves but can't decide which.

I know the truth, and it scares me,
How can I tell his heart after her?
How can I be sure I understand him?

I know the truth behind this girl,
How she plays him like he his violin,
How easily I can read her, but not him.

I'm getting over it...
This ache within my chest.
I'm tired of you saying lies...
whether you believe them true or not.

You don't love me like you say,
So please stop saying so.
If you loved me, honestly, even as a friend
Well simply, you wouldn't hurt me so bad.

I am very well versed, and used to as well,
In the pains associated with the heart.
I've dealt with dreamers and Demons
And worse, lying Angels before.

I'm getting over it...
The ache within my chest.
The longing heart so eager to cling
With a mind tired as it tries to persuade.

I will build the bridge all in time,
Your river of lies were never mine.
So don't you worry about me
Cause honestly I'm standing over you...

My bridge is high and strong,
Yet yes its incomplete.
I still have a little more growing up to do,
And then trust me, I'm getting over it...

Why can't i read you, Why when you're all i want? Why can't i hold you, when all i need is your touch. Orion - Orion why must you be gone?I am here alone, sitting like a stone,I'm waiting....



Why must you appear, Why when you vanish so?And why is it your voice i hear, when i'm lost and cold?Orion - Orion must you be gone?I am here alone, sitting like a stone,I'm waiting...



You have left me to the wolves.Why when i am so in love...My heart is beating so quickly my love,Cant you hear me calling, my love,I'm singing out just for you.



Why must you be deaf to my song, Why when you are there?Why must you lead me on? Must you never care?Orion - Orion must you be gone? Orion - You've made me wait so long...



My heart is breaking, its broken once beforeMy heart is acheing, you're walking out the door,I am lost here, my world is spinning round,With out you...I'm lost with out you,I'm waiting....



Orion, you are the arms that hold me,you are the warmth i seek.Orion, you are the voice that calls me,you're words are what i need.Orion, you are the very sameI sing to you right now.Orion, yours are the eyes, the lips and the whole,You hold my heart...You hold my soul.



I'm waiting

"It's getting so hard to even breathe, when every word is my enemy. I try and I try but I just can't get to that imaginary throne where you seem to sit. I just want a kind word, I want a soft face...Can't we just Hug and get this over with?

It's getting so hard to even stand, when every word is a new command. I try to do all you wish of me but I'm dying and I can't complete each quest you see. I just want to be happy, I want to be loved...Can't we just apologize and go back?

It's getting so hard to even sing, when the emotion is pushing every string. I let our each note as careful as I can, but you crush them with your furious hands. I just want to continue I want to be heard...Can't you just let go and let me be Me?"

It slowly drips…

It drips slowly from my lips; your neck so pale now scarred. All this just for love that could never be. Two beings from another world, different colors in the spectrum; I red as blood, you white as snow. And yet your heart no longer beats for me. A foolish mistake that I wish only to destroy.

I loved you as you loved me. My life was happy, my life was complete when you were mine. I thought as long as you were mine and mine alone, I believed I could continue my terrible life as it was with only one bit of happiness to keep my going. Ever to be given to me. But I abused it, and now it drips slowly from my lips, and I only long for your eyes to open once more, if only for a small moment. I wish you were alive, I wish you were breathing, I long for your loving arms to hold me close. But it will never happen…you're gone, and it is all my fault, there is nothing I can do any more, it drips from my lips.

I am a vampire; you knew that, such a foolish, love sick human. But I let you come, I let you love me, I let myself love you. And it burned to see you so unhappy. I obeyed, you wished to be just like me, and I obeyed. I sank my fangs into your neck.

But I couldn't stop; I went past the point of no return and beyond. And now you're still and cold as stone, and your blood trickles from my lips.

I went out to a bar one night
Just wanting to forget...
The actions and the words you used
Just the other night left me so upset...
For you I drank the liquor long
More then I should I do admit
And I tossed myself in pieces to the floor
Simply trying to forget...
But then you came and found me
And its me you're starting to reject...
For you came and picked up my tossed pieces
And I am left crying with regret...
I just wanted to be wanted
And respect, love and need are so hard to get...
But you turn away feeling over crowded
Afraid we appear publicly as a set...

I wonder is it such a crime to be
In a pair with me? Why are you so upset...
You'd avoid me so eagerly,
And just the thought makes me want to forget...

I went out to the bar one night
Just wanting to forget....

The car ride is normal, simple and polite. But we smile the whole way, pretending not to care, taking advantage of the light. So here we are on the way to 'LARP', you upset, yet I'm even worse. True the joke was funny, the rest of the group knew...and when they saw you their smiles simply grew. You asked for a fountain, they pointed the way, and once you were out of earshot they couldn't help but say...

''He has no idea does he?'' Kurei asked with a big broad smile.
''He's going to have one hell of a game'' Garrus claimed with a padded blade.
"He'll never know what hit him." Umbrus chimed as he unlatched his swords.
I sigh and smile at them each and said, "Lets just start this game."

How does the line go? Stab me in the face you're **** out of luck... stab me in the back you're.....?

The game begins, I avoid you like the plague. I wouldn't even fight you with in distance of a hand grenade. If I ever interacted with you, it was simply to sing a song. My simple Siren Song paralyzed you and left you to the mercy of my friends. I myself never attacked or 'killed you' I wouldn't even dare...The one time I 'took your arm' you whined like no one was there.

"Why did you hurt me?" you asked foolishly, true with a smile, but why ask at this game?
"You're my enemy," Avexi snapped, not even me. Oh how when I have the chance...I can be so mean.

The game continued, you couldn't keep alive, you still had fun though- some how you tried. You always tried to come at me, you always tried to attack. Thank the lords Umbrus and Kurei always had my back.

Finally the game was over, and the whole team knew the line. They kept back from smiling, kept back every time. 'You stab me in the face, you're **** out of luck...You stab me in the back...

I bring you to LARP!'

Looking up at you, I wonder where it all gone.
Thought you loved me too but sooner or later it all came around
I long to see your face again, long to hear your voice;
How can you blame me, you’re enchanting – there’s no choice.

I want to take you in my arms, feel your heat, your skin.
You kiss my neck and love me the way you did back then.
Lay me in the darkness, keep me from the cold.
Love me the way you did back then.

Unless you don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me
You don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.

I look up to you, long for you, yet you don’t come round.
Feel for you, breathe of you, need you right now.
I feel your fingers in my hair, your skin hot on mine.
We toss in blankets, laugh and chime, love is all we find.

Remember how it used to be, every night was a new mystery
We rediscovered each other, underneath the covers.
Love is all we had there, we were everything we needed.
But one day soon you’d find, you’re tired after the climb.

Unless you don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me
You don’t love me anymore, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.
I’m making a fool of myself, reaching out and singing to you
Out in the middle of the night, cold and freezing in the dark.
The wind chills, the moon hides, why do you stay away?
How can you love me, when you’re so far away?

Unless you don’t love me, not any more.
Please don’t say you don’t love me,
Please don’t open that door.
I don’t think I could get over you, don’t  think I could survive.

For so long you’ve been my world, for so long you’ve been my life
I need you, feel you breathe you in my every vein.
Keep me in your arms, please keep on loving me…

Sitting there in the corner
Empty eyes, broken wings
left to dance for money,
to dance for life.

Lovely angel, lost and fallen
losing all and gaining nothing
Falling out of faith.

You're Lucifer's Angel
Love of a sinner,
Redeemer of Demons
Tempt the fires of Hell.
You grant him his heart,
give him his wings
to be an Angel again.

Motherless child,
Father has gone.
Where are you now?
You're left alone.
Dealing with devils,
working with sin.
Loose are you lips to him,
Weak are your hips
For you know no other way.

You're Lucifer's Angel
love of a sinner,
redeemer of demons
tempt the fires of hell.
You grant him his heart,
give him his wings
Help him to live again.

He flies away and leaves you
beaten and broken,
once again alone.
Lucifer's Angel,
love of a sinner
now turned saint.
Again you're on your own.

But he returns,
your health and heart regained.
Lucifer's Angel,
learn to fly again
and get out of this place.

Lucifer's Angel,
love of a sinner,
redeemer of demons,
beat the fires of hell.
Kiss deep those lips,
beat fast those wings,
Fly off before you're broken again.

Let <3 be Heart and the equation all makes sense...

                                                   1<3 +1<3= 2<3

But make it logical...
                                                   2<3 - 1<3=  1  < / 3

                                                               ­                   And suddenly its all nonsense....*

Mathematics of the Heart
Doesn’t bode well at all.
The statistics say you’ll never win;
Equations’ answer everything…
Math states you never stay
With your first love,
And that marriage is a lie.
Math states that not matter
How hard you try,
it always ends in divorce.

But then again, why trust Math?
Is there really a simple equation?
Think about it hard and long…
For math can’t tell you
The fraction of your heart you’ll lose if broken,
Nor  tell you the percentage
Of happiness you’ll gain when in love.

So Mathematics of the Heart
They sound foolish when spoken aloud.
For truthfully think the matter through;
How can you tell with logic or understanding
When while in love all is illogical
And suddenly…

Math
           no
                 longer
                                exists?

Once I was wronged before my friends,
They all cried out in protest.
'How dare they treat you poorly,'
They all screamed and fussed.
I merely shrugged my shoulders and
With a soft sigh did say 'Doesn't matter,
We will all die some day,'

Now weeks did pass and it's been forgotten,
And my friend was wronged by a similar few.
I then began to cry out in wicked frustration,
And she then too sighed and shrugged her shoulders.
'Whats done is done, the past is past,' my friend
Did admit to me. I shook my head and grabbed a bat
and said 'You mess with me, you get off easy,
Mess with my friends...

You're ******'

I know this might sound over done, or the phrase might be over used; but you my dear, are not who you say you are. King of hearts, you claim...HA! You have no idea what you do. So you claim all these girls love you, while you simply plant the seed in all you desire, waiting for them to bloom, bud, desire you for water. You wait and watch and from those that grow pick the few that interest you the most, or suite your needs, or fit your profile.

God you're such a thief. I was there, watching it unfold and yet I let you plant a seedling in me. I opened my mouth and let you reach down my throat and burrow that seed into my heart, and there it grew into a wild thorn I simply could not remove on my own. I begged and begged for you to take it out, but you simply poked it and claimed 'It wont budge'. I would cry and plea for you to release me, but you said 'Its all out of my hands'.

Oh you lying Thief of hearts. There are so many songs about you now a days, playing on the radio so effortlessly. Leaving me to curse the karma and the world the radio relies on screaming out the window 'CURSE YOU IRONIC RADIO, PLAY SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T RELATE TO MY LIFE!' or even worse, while you drive me about, dragging me behind on your little escapades, as one of the songs pops up... YOU even sing ALONG. King of hearts? No you're the Joker, fooling girls depraved of love into falling for your trap.

I was in your room once, there was a simple jar. When I asked what it was, you simply said it was art. Now I know its your safe. Its the jar you keep the hearts you've stolen, so cold hearted you are, your heart frozen in heartless hell - feeding off the warmth and affection you can steal from those too tender to see through your facade. How ironic, your favorite song being so easily the description of your plight.

Now I can sit here, watching you return to the heart that came back to haunt you, the heart you no longer wanted and threw back away. But you held it so long that here she flew, returning so eagerly to you, finding any way she could to convince you to return. But you want me back? Why do you try so hard? I don't understand. I may love you, but all I wish is you to return my heart to me...or tear your thorny seedling from my chest and set me free.

Though true I love you, I wish nothing but to remain with you, but I want to see if its really me who wishes this, and not this tiny seed that sits in my heart. A charming phrase, a tender moment, a sweet kiss, a desiring touch. Maybe I am just blinded by the wool you pulled over my eyes. So please, Thief of Hearts, return this broken heart to its original state, with out your black rose...

Let me chose for myself.

He was no more than a memory, she would look at his picture and see this. His hair wasn't as long as it used to be, he was much taller, and his style had changed from the youth to the young adult he'd become. But she noticed when he walked past her with his friends and his new girlfriend, that one thing hadn't changed. His smile.

She remembered when his smile used to be just for her, she remembered how she would smile back. They were childhood friends, but it was much more then that for her. He was her only friend for so long...and when he left she cried for weeks. He had changed and out grown her, and she had to accept it. He no longer smiled and looked her way, he didn't even notice she was sitting there. But she couldn't react to it, she had to ignore the pain it evoked.

She sat at the table, picking at the food spread out along the span of the table cloth. It was strange but she didn't want him to see her eat, she felt horrific at the thought. She sipped at her sweet tea, reminding herself that within the next ten hours she would be on a plane back 'home' till the winter vacation. She also reminded herself that this man, no this boy, had been nothing but silent to her for that past five years, only coming out to help her heal at the death of a family member. He'd done nothing to keep in touch, had tried at nothing to be a friend, and he had done nothing to stop her from hurting.

At the finishing of her tea, she asked to be excused and returned to her room in the house across the street. There she quickly took her computer and turned it on to the internet, trying to resist the painful tears in her eyes. What if he wanted to talk to her again? What if he wanted to see what she was up to? No she had decided. She loaded up his page, his picture looking back at her on the screen. His warm smile that used to mean so much to her touched her and let the tears trickle down her cheeks. She forced herself to scroll to the bottom of his page, let her cursor hover over the words 'Remove Friend'. She remained like that for moments that felt like forever, and it wasn't until she brought up the courage did she press her finger down on the mouse and finalized the deed. "Good Bye," she whispered as she closed the computer and turned it off. That was it, he wouldn't hurt her any more. She would treat him as he treated her.

He was no more than a Memory.

Things that don't make sense any more
Seem to enter and exit through the same door.
I try to reach the **** to turn
Only to find there are things you never want to learn...

Things that don't make sense any more
Are coming at me from all sides.
With no shields and no sword
I'm left screaming with no one to hear my cries.

These things relay themselves in over lapping disharmony.
The rules are curving and bending -
What once was set in stone is now molding like clay
And I can't tell what impressions my actions and words are sending.

I'm lost in these things that make no sense,
Drowning like an insect stuck in the slow sap.
But I'm not sure if this will turn to Amber or
It will be my ruin.

I sing a song for you

Can you hear me sir?
Those whom have held my heart?
I feel so transparent, using music
As a form to reach you.
Yet not even you, my love, hears.

‘Jy’, When I Look At You
I am plagued with someone who
Doesn’t exist, someone who was
Meant and belonged only for me…

‘O’, you’re my StoryBook lover,
I long to hold you the way
I hold you in my dreams,
By why must real lovers only
Last as long as your longest dream?

‘A’, we were so close,
But that was Once Upon a Dream
And wont return again. What we
Had was temporary, a gift of Gods,
It wasn’t true, it wasn’t real,
It was just a passing dream.

'M’,  you were my angel
Let Me Be Your Wings seemed
So easy for you, yet you were not mine
Not meant for me, I’m still grateful you gave
Me wings to fly…

Grandpa where did you go?
Please come back you me!
I’m Wishing You Were Somehow
Here Again but I know it will never be.
You were my true angel, watching over me
I look for you now, Flying like an Eagle…

‘J’, why must you hurt me?
Please Don’t Make Me Love You!
I can’t handle the pain of loving you
Not again, never again. You hurt me so
Much, yet you don’t seem to care.
You’re just a passing memory to me.

Longing to find you my love,
I look into all of them, deeply
In His Yes I search for you till you
Find me and grab me and save me.
I need someone to heal my heart,
How broken it is and needs to be mended…

‘C’ , if only you could see…
It’s Only Love don’t run from it.
I know you’ve been in pain before,
But so have I, and we can heal each other
So  afraid am I, terrified of not being what you want.
Its only my love…

Phantom of Your Heart
I am the presence that surrounds you,
That dark phantom in the night.
I am that shadow that sits by your bedside,
And catches the nightmares and monsters that disturb your sleep.
I am the phantom that watches you sleep
And kisses your face and longs for you to love me.

Though I might not be seen when you wake in the night,
I am there, though you walk right through me.
You may not realize how close I am, or even how dear you are to me.
Even as you sing yourself to sleep, cry, or even weep…
I’m there to make you feel better and calm you.
I would embrace you and take away any pain or sorrow, and let you sleep with a smile on your face.

As you grow older, and your dreams begin change,
I remain there beside your bed, protecting you, loving you.
And when the morning comes and the suns begins to rise
I’ll slowly slink and hide in your wildest daydreams.
You’ll think of me everyday and as you grow, and I’ll change for you.
I’ll be whom you will me, to care for you forever.

I am perfect, everything you long for.
My hair is blonde, brown, black as raven pitch,
My eyes are green, blue brown; my skin light, tan, dark, pale.
I am Male…I am Female.
I am what you wish and long for, what you want me to be.
I am your Wildest Dreams.

But I know, one night I’ll enter your room,
And find I can’t take form, and remain the wispy shadow.
And I’ll flow to your bed and see you are no longer alone,
And as you start to toss and turn, your partner slowly wakes you with the kiss I could not give you, the envy…the jealousy it would cause in me to see you there with IT.
You’ll wake to ITS touch and fall asleep in ITS arms,
The way I’ve longed to do so every night I watched you.


But tonight, oh tonight you’re alone; no one is at your side.
And as I enter, I take the shape of your hearts longing.
I will walk to your bedside, sit on the cloud, your bed,
And caress you with my phantom fingers.
I’ll kiss your face, and love you the way you deserve to be loved.
But when you wake, you’ll remember it only as a dream, and discard it all.

I love you more then life itself.
I’d give my very life for you,
And even thought I don’t live, my soul belongs to you.
Despite the fact that you discard my presence,
And pretend I don’t exist.
You still talk to me as you talk to yourself.

And you know I’m answering and some how hear
For you speak as if you hear my voice, and know I am there.
Even though you deny my existence, I’ll always love you.
Even to the day you forget me,
Even to the day you break my heart.
And even after, I’ll follow you and watch you for I can’t keep away.

Many nights I sit and pray,
Just to become one with you
Others I just sit and long to live, to be real
And be the one you want beside you.
Some times I dream of eternal life with you,
And I long for the mortality so I could die with you,
And be buried beside you.

My god…I love you,
I want you,
I’ll miss you,
I’d claim you,
I’ll kiss you,
I’ll hold you.

Just as you wish me to
For I am YOUR Phantom,
your Dreams,
your Wishes,
your Desires,
I am the Phantom of your HEART.

Bubbly, hyper, makes you happy,
always handing out smiles, always charming,
I'm the girl you always want to be around.
But recently you see that my actions
Seem strangely turned upside down.

I'm calmer now you realize,
my smiles gone or faded.
You try to slap it back on,
Ha! You're so ******* Jaded.

I'm always the girl to make you feel
As if you're one of the best.
But now you're sitting here confused
Because I no longer try.

Your silly, funny, joyful friend
Was faked all from the start.
And how you're all confused to why
We're not friends any more.

I'm tired of being fake, of pretending that I care
I'm sick of all the lies I'd take and believe
When I knew you weren't all true...
I'm tired of faking to be friends With YOU!

I'm just tired. Tired of the lies, tired of the stakes
I'm tired of the fool hardy mistakes.
I'm sick of dealing with those that I hate,
ALL because i don't want them to feel like i did..
Left alone, unwanted, rejected...... Think Eve's snake.

I refuse to crawl on the floor any more,
I refuse to miss use my limbs. I'm tired
Of going 'Ok Sir you win' when there's
No game to play, no song to sing.
You want me on my belly so you can twist
My arm...well ******* dear 'friends'
No need to alarm but I'm not this easy push
Over like I was before. I'm not wasting all
That energy on faking to you any more.
I've got back my energy and i'm ready
To ******* defend, so if you start to **** me off
HAHAHA

Lets put it this way.
You were never my friend.

Inspiration can come from the strangest of places. But here I am looking around seeing things in a new light. I dress differently, I speak differently, I walk as if people watch. I like this feeling, its new from what I'm used to. Compliments, I'd love to take them, Give me the boost i need.

Salv mon Crear.

I sing with new words, new voice. If only every one could see me the way I now see myself - so full of life, so hopeful. I feel happier, lighter than air, and I see it floating up in my step my life.

Salv Mon Crear.

Its the new me that's finally breaking out to say I finally understand. 

Silence, some times its welcomed; simply to hear the hum of the computers, the sound of footsteps outside, opening and closing doors...But after a while it gets lonesome. You sit in silence and wonder why its still there. You try to fill it, try to find any and every possible noise to make the silence go away. The clicking of your fingers, the ringing of your cellphone, the roar of the music you play absently from the computer.



Silence, sometimes its welcomed; the gate way to new ideas, of thoughts you'd never hear, visions racing past your eyes as you close them in appreciation...But after a while your thoughts run away with out you, you start to think twice, double guess, hurt yourself. You try everything you can to calm the thoughts that make you paranoid simply to make life slow down, make sense, to understand.



Silence, sometimes its welcomed; but not today. I don't want to be alone, I DON'T want to sit in silence and feel forgotten. But what else to do? Listen to the blaring of the music, think of random ideas and write, fill the silence with my coughs from this sickness and hope it will get better soon. I can't help but think of all I still have to do and how I can't do it ill, I think of the guilt i feel for calling out of work BECAUSE i am sick, I think of how I let myself be used to keep from feeling guilty...and end up killing myself in the end. I am sick because i work to hard, I work to hard because i am sick and need to catch up. How does this help?



Silence, sometimes it is welcomed; right now i would willingly break my ears to stop hearing the voices in my head telling me to stop thinking, to continue to be horrid to myself, to stop complaining, and to sit still. I don't want to. I hate them. Music blare to i DON'T have to hear them.



Silence, sometimes it is welcomed.......

You don't understand what makes me so upset. You honestly seem to think that nothing's wrong. When have I ever, and I mean EVER, gave you a short answer to anything?

You are simply blind.

Best friend? Best friend!? Can you ******* hear me now? I'm screaming out in silence until you hear a sound - and you don't figure that there's anything wrong.
'How are you?' you ask 'Been K' i answer. WHEN HAVE I EVER ANSWERED LIKE THAT? Cant you see there's something wrong? Why wont you ask? Why don't you care to know?

You are simply blind.

I know you have a child, I know you think you're busy. But even if I had a child, even if I was busy out of my mind - I would make time for those who are important to me. I might not try to keep in touch with my mom and dad, but if you mean that much to me I will do everything I can to get in touch.

You are either simply blind.
Or you don't give a ****.

Some times I wonder if I can write without having something to inspire, as stupid as that sounds. You can write…but then there are times when you can WRITE and the world bows at the beauty of the language you compose. You sit and type for hours and hours on a reseeded brain where you wait out the little moments of your inner mind and place them on paper so meticulously that they seem like they belonged there. ***** secrets, inner dreams…many things that could never float to the surface are stirred in a little *** until they pop up at the tip of your typing fingers. You sit and think about nothing and get so much melodic forms that its incredible. Other times you find your heart lies in the strangest of places, or that your eyes see the weirdest things, or your sleep hides in the funniest of hiding spots. But like before you can’t write like this without inspiration – my inspiration tonight is the strange feeling that seems to turn my cheeks to flame. Or the strange fuzzy sensation in my stomach that seems to cause my cheeks to flush. It’s not as painful as it used to be, the gnawing agony of a heart being torn…not even close. It’s just the simple flutter that just makes a pleasant tickle to remind me it’s there. What I would give to have had this years before, how much I would have saved me – pain, crying, heart ache and humiliation. But this feeling is liberating, like alcohol, and my tongue seems to have a mind of its own as well as my fingers. The things I say under such tickling emotions is strange to me. I talk of hugs and embraces, possible touches and **** should I dare say a brush of a lip? God this curse never ends? But do I want it to? The only fear is of writing to much, talking to loud.  Fear of rejection can only wound so deep…it’s the fear of not really being wanted that gets you the most…but the tickling feeling helps you forget about that fear..if only for a moment.
If only I could write like this forever…instead of in the middle of the night, sleepless , half on my way to falling head over heels to much?