My head, it's normally flooded. Filled with crazy thoughts, like what books to read, how much longer I have in the three books I haven't finished. Or even the projects I have due in a week, what I have to do to finish them, what I need to do to prepare or present. Sometimes there's a song in my head, and I dance along with the tune until the radio station in my brain picks another melody for me to jam to. I see characters I've created interact, I see worlds of fiction that have to be figments of my imagination simply because they are to spectacular to be real. There are poems dying to be written down, ideas that need to be planted, songs that sing desire and need to be written, and opinions furiously needed to be ranted.

But today my head is empty, nothing seems to be alive. My characters have all gone silent, my opinions are pointless, my project is too hard to focus on, my melodies feel dead. I don't know what to do any more, I don't know what to say. I wish I could simply sleep and refresh and go about my day. But I sit here and write, trying to restart the flow, but the **** dam in my head just wont let my imagination go!

My heart is crying, my eyes are dry, my lips are sighing, while my brain screams WHY! You weren't supposed to leave us, you weren't supposed to die... you should have been with us that night, laughing so hard over game that we cried! You should have created a character, joined in our story line and ruined our themes....but now you're gone, and the only time we will see you is in our dreams.

I guess that's why my mind is empty, why my imagination is dead. I must be scared of forgetting what you looked like, or losing your precious memories in my head. If I could make it right, if I could have been there...none of this would have happened- none of it, I swear.

My head, it's normally flooded. Filled with crazy thoughts. But now it's empty, imagination's gone, for now my head is empty because everything has gone wrong.

We weren't the best of friends,  we didn't talk for hours, we didn't share secrets... No we didn't text all the time, no we didn't laugh at each others jokes. But our Characters did. You were her friend, if you could even call them that. You were the one piece of kindness she saw in that barbaric world. You made sense to her. You also had a bad side, you scared her, she was always afraid of making you mad...but she regretted ever hurting you, she never wanted to see you hurt, she never wanted to make you sad, she would have done everything in her power to not fight you.

She liked you once, until she realized you liked another. She wanted to help you get with the one you liked, even if it meant ruining the relationship of another. She would have given anything to be closer to you, to have been able to tell you how you made her feel. But then the game was over, and the imagining ended.

Months have passed since I last saw you, years in the alternate reality since our characters last spoke. She was heart broken and betrayed, and she screamed for you to help. But help never came. I was too afraid to look strange, I was too afraid to look like I was trying to hard to be your friend...so I never added you on social networks. I never asked for your number, because we rarely talked. You never seemed to want to. You were close to my best friend, and through her I lived out the life of being best friends with you, and that we would talk all day and text... I thought maybe our characters could see each other again, that some thing could start up.

It was only a week ago that my Imagination thought they would meet again, it was only a week ago we all decided to restart the game. Only three days ago you called my friend and said you would join. I thought we could start over, that maybe this time I'd be able to be friends with you, real friends, texting friends, friends who talked, friends who hung out, friends who drank together, friends who laughed together. The thoughts kept rolling through my imagination, the thoughts of being a family again were so exciting...

I couldn't have Imagined this.

The call came, another in the family of friends, another who's character connected with mine, another whose friendship was closer with me in real life. He called, the look on my friends face went blank. She handed the phone to my other friend, his face fell to disbelief. You were gone. We were panicking. We were trying to find a way to figure out what happened. We only just spoke to you! I tried to find out when, who knew, how to prove it wrong. You couldn't be gone, never...and the fact that we had no idea how, why, the fact that no one would talk to us...

I couldn't have Imagined this.

In seconds she came, she overwhelmed me, took me over, I was in shock, but she was fully aware. She cried, she shook, she hugged the others there. Suddenly she wasn't a character any more, and she was all powerful, all consuming, all devastated. And in that moment I wasn't just mourning you...I was mourning him as well. I was hit by the loss of two, and i was flung into a brick wall. She wanted to scream, she wanted to go out and **** things, she wanted to **** herself and respawn and do it again, she wanted to fight, she wanted to find the body you both shared and bring you back to life. She wanted to trade herself for you, if not him at least you. And then she was gone, lost in my thoughts, lost in my imagination.

And now here I sit, in shock once again, I want to be alone, but I want someone with me in my loneliness...I want to cry, to scream, and yet here I am silently writing with only the sound of my fingers typing echoing from my room. I'm cold, my head hurts from all the chaos in my head.

Then it struck me. You weren't really dead. I could bring you back to life, I could honor you, your memory, your imagination.

I could keep you alive some how, by writing about him, for he was you and you were him. And in that thought my mind was calmed, my heart was lifted. And thats where you find me now, writing...

keeping you alive.

Heart ripped out
Gut turning painfully
No smiles now, no pretend

You think I am ok
What a grand performance hu?
Its all an act no one can see
No one can be that happy with out
Dieing inside
Help me I can’t cry any more
Life seems werthless

But I am scared, scared of life ending
I want a purpose. Please show me why I am here
I know no one could ever love a monster like me
Everyone says so, so why am I here?
You don’t love me, you never had
I keep trying to forget the joy I had seeing you, speaking with you
How musical was your voice, and how deeply fallen I am over you

I want to die but fear the end without you
Oh god if you exist, help me get through to him,
Help me sing the song and maybe he’ll hear the music
And know it’s ment for him
Have him speak the truth
Whether it be “I hate you leave me alone,”
Or pray… “You’re my friend…please don’t go.”

Broken,
I'm so broken...
I'm terrified and locked inside.
You beckon me out from the
Window tightly shut,
Begging to God I'm still alive.

But some times I wish I wasn't,
That way the pain would numb.
My hearts so broken
So easy to steal, but harder to heal.
How many times those men called me Dumb.

Broken,
I'm so broken,
I'm scared to climb the stairs.
There's one or two missing
Steps you see, scattered through
Out the rest. And I'm so off balanced
I fear I'll fall, harder to the floor...
My poorly beating heart ever weaker

Why can't He just love me,
The way that I love him?
Why can't He just see me,
The way that I see him?

I pray one day He'll understand,
That I'm not as strong as I seem;
So that on that day he'll finally see,
Its of my heart no longer broken,
I long for him to know,
That when my hearts no longer broken...
I will once again be free to dream.

Staring at a photograph,
And I wonder if its wrong.
What the heck were we?
We definitely weren't friends,
We most totally weren't enemies
But still i can't get over the stare
This single photo holds.

Staring at this photograph,
Why the hell did i keep it?
You never talk to me,
You obviously ignore my pleas ...
You probably find me annoying -
Just like the rest of those you'd
Complained about that one night.

Staring at this photograph,
Was that all we were?
Just that one night where
You were human enough
To make me smile and forget.
But how the hell can I pretend
That night simply didn't exist?

Staring at this photograph,
I wonder where I went wrong.
I thought  you were human enough
That you saw through the facade.
I figured you weren't a zombie of the pack
That you thought on your own.
And now here you are joining the herd
That you had complained about that one night.

Staring at this photograph,
Your eyes eat my soul.
How i would have done anything you asked,
Just the idea of you smiling was enough.
But what I would have given to get
Even just a hug from you, your arms
Around me, reminding me that i'm real.
But apparently I am as invisible now
As I felt back then.

Staring at this photograph,
I simply want to scream.
I dont' know why it bothers me,
You didn't do anything of importance
You didn't change my life...Did you?
You came during a weak point
And just two hours with you made me
Even stronger then I thought I'd ever be.

Staring at this photograph,
I wonder what I saw in you.
You are just a painting -
You seem so full of realistic emotion,
So sympathetic and understanding,
Open and kind. But you're a huge lie.
You're just like the rest of them,
Go ahead, conform and belong.

Staring at this photograph,
It all seems silly to me.
You're the book who's cover screams
"I'm the best, READ ME!"
While only to get a chapter in
And find you've wasted everything.
You're that kind of guy.

Staring at this photograph,
I then look at the words i write.
Do I really mean them? Am I that mean?
What do i hold against you other
Then the disappointment of what
Never was meant to be?
You were perfect, you were angelic,
You were what every girl wanted.
Why am I mad at you?

Staring at this photograph,
I'm left realizing...
The thorn in my side of what I
Believe you mean to me.
The fact that you so obviously ignore.
I call out simplistically, just wanting to
Connect to a familiar past time.
But you so Obviously Ignore each echo
And pretend you don't see, or hear.

Staring at this photograph,
I'm choking on the words.
You meant so much to me back then
And now you're just a bruise needing
Tending. Simplistically enough you're
Old news. You're a frustration of the past.
And now I'm realizing that you're
Absolutely nothing to me.

I'm reading once this poem,
On a photo i had obsessed over,
Finding it just a pretty face,
A pair of beautiful eyes that
Used to make me feel whole-
Now make me feel empty inside.
Steal my soul those eyes do...
So while reading this poem aloud
On a photo i had once obsessed,
I hold it to the flame and Burn it away.



Staring at this photograph,
It now bursting in flames.
The past doesn't bother me anymore
I feel released from  its chains.
I might be haunted later,
Truly this i'll admit,
For those eyes do taunt...
For a road not taken, choice not made,
But it's not mine to make, not mine to take
You're the one who missed it
And i just have to get over
The simple idea of you -


A frustration of the Past

I am here if you need me
I'd hate to see you mad.
Please forgive me if I'm upset,
But with the way you treat me
I am always sad...

I am here for you,
But you're never there for me.
I'm spinning, i am drowning,
and you're no where near
to even hear my calling...

The worst part is that you're
Taking this sadness all wrong.
You think I'm asking to be more?
Why when all I want is you,
And your friendship means so much...

I know it shouldn't hurt me,
I know it looks insane,
But you can't simply 'Cold Turkey' me,
My tears will flood the world like rain...
Don't expect me to be fine- no way.

Stop being so selfish and simply understand
Even the greatest ear, has a heart to mend
So why don't you help me rather then hurt,
and simply explain till I understand why...
I am always here for you, but you are never there.

Fair trade?

I went out to a bar one night
Just wanting to forget...
The actions and the words you used
Just the other night left me so upset...
For you I drank the liquor long
More then I should I do admit
And I tossed myself in pieces to the floor
Simply trying to forget...
But then you came and found me
And its me you're starting to reject...
For you came and picked up my tossed pieces
And I am left crying with regret...
I just wanted to be wanted
And respect, love and need are so hard to get...
But you turn away feeling over crowded
Afraid we appear publicly as a set...

I wonder is it such a crime to be
In a pair with me? Why are you so upset...
You'd avoid me so eagerly,
And just the thought makes me want to forget...

I went out to the bar one night
Just wanting to forget....